08/15/2025
The Truth About Anger:
What It Really Means and How We Manage It
Anger has a reputation. It's seen as explosive, destructive, and often dangerous. But here's the truth: anger isn’t the enemy. It’s a messenger. Whether you're a teenager slamming your bedroom door or an adult stewing in traffic, anger is trying to tell you something.
Most people don’t know what to do with it. They weren’t taught how to sit with it, speak from it, or understand it. Instead, they’re told to calm down, be quiet, or “stop overreacting.” So, it builds. It comes out sideways. It gets them in trouble.
Anger isn’t always what it looks like on the surface. For a lot of people—especially men—anger is depression in disguise. For others, it’s a trauma response, a wall built to survive years of vulnerability. Some feel it when they’re anxious and overstimulated. Others when they feel invisible, rejected, or powerless.
We need to stop asking, “Why are you so angry?” and start asking, “What happened to you?”
In teenagers, anger is often their only safe emotion. They’ve been told not to cry, not to care too much, not to be dramatic. But anger? That gets respect. That gets attention. Underneath it, though, is usually heartbreak—about not being chosen, not being heard, not being enough.
In adults, it shows up differently. They might not scream, but they’ll seethe. They’ll ghost you. They’ll withdraw, make snide comments, or try to control everything around them. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re angry. They just know they’re resentful, exhausted, or quick to snap.
Is it gendered? Sometimes. Society teaches boys to channel pain into rage and girls to turn it inward. But regardless of gender, the truth is that people act out when they don’t know how to act through it. The problem isn’t that they feel anger—it’s that they don’t have the tools to express it.
Here’s what I tell clients: It’s okay to feel angry. What matters is how you move with it. If you’re screaming, throwing things, shutting down, or hurting people with words, that’s not “just who you are.” That’s an emotional vocabulary gap. That’s a skills issue, not a character flaw.
When someone says, “I lost it,” what they really mean is, “I didn’t have the skills in that moment to handle what I was feeling.” And that’s something we can change.
So where do we start?
First, recognize where anger shows up in the body. A clenched jaw. Tight fists. A pounding heart. Shoulders to your ears. These are warning signs that your body is preparing to fight. Learning to spot these signals early is key to catching the emotion before it explodes.
Second, understand the consequences. After an outburst, many people feel guilt, shame, and exhaustion. They replay what they said, the damage they caused, and beat themselves up with self-talk like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why can’t I just stop?” This spiral keeps them stuck. Anger has now done double damage—first to others, then to themselves.
Third, name what’s underneath. Anger is usually a cover for sadness, fear, rejection, or feeling misunderstood. When we can say, “I felt dismissed,” instead of, “You made me mad,” we shift into ownership and connection.
Fourth, ask for help. Therapy, support groups, or even trusted friends can offer space to unpack patterns and build new tools. It’s not weak to ask for help—it’s wise. Anger isn’t a solo sport. It impacts everyone around you, so healing it often means involving others.
And finally, practice regulation. That might mean stepping outside, splashing cold water on your face, going for a walk, breathing deeply, or writing things out before speaking. Regulation isn’t about stuffing your feelings down. It’s about learning how to ride the wave without letting it drown you or the people you love.
Anger doesn’t need to be eliminated. It needs to be understood, redirected, and respected. We need to give people—especially teens—the emotional education they never got. Teach them how to recognize their triggers. How to name what they’re actually feeling. How to breathe, pause, and speak without causing harm. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about getting better at handling what’s hard.
Because underneath every outburst is a person trying to cope. Let’s help them do it differently.
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