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Andrea Kinnaugh, LMFT, Wake Forest, NC (2025)

09/04/2025

Whether it's the friend who seems to always make a bad choice, a family member who wants you to be their therapist, or an extremely discombobulated colleague who never has their work sorted, sometimes we just need to know that their mess is not ours to fix.

Caring about or even loving someone doesn't mean it's your job to prevent them from experiencing discomfort or dealing with the consequences of their own actions. Also, and maybe the most important part is that it doesn't make you selfish / a bad person / lacking empathy / narcissist / etc. to set a boundary around what's theirs and not yours.

Humor me if you will, and think of the most time and energy sucking adult in your life. Now I want you to think of all the time and energy of yours that you've given them. Lastly, think about what you could do with all that time and energy back.

Like, sit with that for a minute.

How good it would feel to have even a percentage of what's yours going towards you??

08/27/2025

I believe the saying goes that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. As someone who assesses such things as institutional level of care, I don't think this will meet the criteria for a psychiatric hospital stay, but it is still 💯 frustrating. So why do people want things to be different but continue to do the same things??

There is the slot machine effect, also known as operant conditioning. We see someone else "winning" and build routines around what worked for them in hopes we will get the same wins. Or maybe something worked for us before, and we keep doing the same things in the hope of recreating past results. Sometimes, you could see all writing on the wall to just try something new, but unfamiliar feels so unsafe that you misread it as proof not to do something different.

When we hold the possibility of creating the life we want there is this balance of accepting some things are out of our control, letting go of old beliefs and patterns that no longer serve us, and allowing for all the new. All of those carry some Oof! To exercise the neuroplasticity that makes change feel safe, you have to start working it. So here is your gentle nudge to start small and lean into the unfamiliar and allow your body to feel the possibility of it working out.

08/21/2025

Happy August baskings! By the time this month rolls around, I'm ready for the seasons to change. It's quite difficult to be in the moment when you want to be in a different moment - am I right?? Most of us find we are in two places at the same time - a past memory while hanging with a current friend or grieving the loss while beginning something new. Instead of constantly reminding ourselves to be in the present, I invite you to allow your present to be a combination of memories, current needs, and future wishes. They're all part of present you.

The playlist this month is for last-minute road trips, hopes for new connections, and getting closer to those who give you all the good feels. Enjoy!

As for the baskings..
So much of being a therapist is balancing caffeine intake, hydration, and finding ways to get food into your system between sessions - so here are my current go-tos. I must say, this instant espresso was a happy, frothy surprise.
I love a journal, but this one is my life. It's part planner, diary, notebook, and wishes. Needless to say, I would be horribly embarrassed if anyone ever read this, but also, don't steal my ideas.
This fancy little bottle is a laundry scent booster that just makes everything smell wonderful. This one is called old money, and I have a patchouli one too - they both give me joy.

I hope you have moments of fun and ease ✨️

08/14/2025

At some point during a relational session, I like to remind folks that their relationship is a choice. It's meant as an invitation, but I also know it's an oof! It's a humbling and, for some, an unsettling truth that we are not stuck with anyone - we are a choice. Either way, it's the moment I welcome people to experience who they are in their relationship and how they're choosing to show up.

A post like this is just as tricky as when I discuss it in a session because the sentiment is not about proving to someone they should choose you or making someone prove themselves worthy to be with you.
To be clear - nothing in this is about asking you to be a pick-me.
This is about how each person is taking care of the other. Are you choosing to show up with kindness, respect, and genuine curiosity? If you are not doing those things, why should someone continue to choose to keep you in their life?

Part of taking care of a relationship is making sure our hurts and complexities do not sabotage the connections we want. If you struggle with pushing people away even when you want them to stay or you find yourself staying with people who have you chasing them, see this as a sweet nudge to do your own work so your relationships can feel fun and secure.

08/07/2025

I'm a toe-dip girl who enjoys the company of the jump-in folks. My risks are usually calculated and less spontaneous, so the perspective of "we'll sort it as we go" can feel like a freeing approach. I do have some observers in there, too. I'm in awe of how they take the whole thing in and the room they create to breathe with their steady moves.

It's going to look different for each of us, but the goal is to be a combination of all three - to know when to observe, test the water, and when to jump. And as much as we like to think we are independent thinkers, we do still look around for what is considered normal. The thing is, normal is relative - which is why the company we keep is so important.

What your inner circle has normalized creates its own unique system of expectations, values, and ethics. When we are truly aligned with our community, they can be the anchor when you need grounding or the drive when you need to be chanpioned but if they are misaligned with our own needs, we can feel quite disconnected.

So when you take a step back and look at who you spend the most time with or which group chat you ask the most advice from, do you feel authentically aligned with that group??

07/31/2025

Is it care, or is it control?? Well, here's a quick and easy thing to remember:

care allows where control restricts

Most adults get that we are not allowed to control another adult, but I've seen it on full display under the guise of care. But care should not stop someone from going somewhere, talking to people, from wearing things, or from feeling a certain way. These are all acts of restriction and therefore control.

Care allows for trust and respect in your relationship. It allows each person to have autonomy and freewill to be their weird, hot self. It creates the space needed to have intimate conversations around those hard topics like anxious attachment and what you both need to feel cared for.

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship is the vulnerability that comes with caring so much about someone we don't ever want to lose them. But control never stops someone from leaving - it usually starts the process of them pulling away.

07/23/2025

Happy July baskings! Besides finding ways to manage the heat, July reminds me of days and nights of just hanging with people. When I was much younger, I used to hang at a skate park for hours that, to this day, the sound of a skateboard is instantly soothing. There would be long days at the beach that would turn into nights looking at stars or cookouts with friends filled with good music and fun vibes. There's this magic that happens when you're having a good time, that the heat becomes more tolerable. That's the sneaky trick of dealing with discomfort - allowing for ease while also making sure it doesn't stop you from having fun.

This month's playlist has it all - songs you can sway to, songs that make you want to get sweaty and close, and songs that make you happy that a certain person is far, far away.

The baskings ✨️✨️✨️

Mini tarots for a daily, self reflection pull and they travel easily, a favorite t-shirt that sports a great, local label and looks cute with my favorite skirt, in season tomatoes are just a requirement and I never make enough sauce to last me but I do try, chilies because when it's hot you have to eat hot food (I don't make the rules, I just follow them), hair gel because it works so much better than a hair cream, I promise, I'm getting into layering scents and deodorant that smells good is undoing all my powder scent scars, and these textured glasses are perfect for iced americanos in the morning and iced beverage in the evening.

I hope July has been sweet to you so far!

07/17/2025

One of my favorite parts of my job is when I get to witness someone sharing their weird with their person in a relational session. The moment is so beautiful to see a person ready to be fully seen by someone, and, for many, the therapy room can be the first time they let their true selves out. So what gets in the way of us allowing ourselves to be truly seen??

Fear.

Fear of judgment, rejection, embarrassment, being excluded, etc.

We humans like the concept of uniqueness but actually lean towards conformity. Oof, right!? But the need to be accepted and feel like we belong to a group of people is primal and part of survival... and this is where we learn to dim our beautifully weird, little lights.

The remedy is to be that authentic, hot, safe space for those you let into your world. Be the person they can shed all those masking layers and breathe freely around. When you hear them say, " I know this is weird..." lean into that moment like you are being invited to the most exclusive club. Real intimacy, friendly or romantic, is showing someone that you want all of them and that you'll protect and celebrate each and every part. In return, you're living a life that holds truth, creativity, and a healthy dose of risk. That's so hot.

07/10/2025

I ask you to read this next sentence, knowing it is coming from the kindest place of curiosity...

Have they lost interest, or have you become less interesting?

Overall, I'm sure you are lovely, but being interesting to a person over a long period of time takes some intention. Remaining interesting in intimate ways, well that takes perseverance. There needs to be curiosity, connection, and the ability to change all for the sake of pleasure. This can be quite humbling for those learning their old tricks are no longer treats.

So, who's more likely to lose interest? It truly is anyone's game, but for the Esther fans out there, she often speaks about the misconception that women just lose interest in s*x overall and don't desire affairs or opening up the relationship. I'm utterly confused by this misconception when so much of pop culture highlights a woman's desire for these exact things - romance novels, TV series, podcasts, etc. The thing is, it's not a gender thing, just a very human thing for our brains and bodies to desire newness.

Does that mean affairs are inevitable or that monogamy is settling for basic?? Absolutely not! It does mean that we have to work at holding our person's interest by being both interested in them and staying interested in ourselves. This isn't about being performative but about taking responsibility in our role of being pleasure givers. Notice how their body responds to you, what makes them moan, what didn't get a reaction, and what made them grab for you. You can also do the hottest thing ever - ask them what they want and really listen to them.

Reminder ** Being interesting is not just doing what is asked of us. If you're not open to certain things, that conversation is just as interesting and intimate.

07/03/2025

I recently heard the song "last goodbye" by Jeff Buckley. I have a very 90's memory of driving into Red Bank, NJ with my friend listening to this song on repeat while she was going through a first love break-up. So much of what we learn about relationships comes from those teen years of dating and heartbreak. Learning how to navigate the unknowns, the big feelings, the missed connections, the taking chances, and ugh, the rejections.

But has your adult self evolved, or are you still going about your relationships like your teen self?

One of the best ways to assess this is how you handle the end of relationships. Break-ups will happen, and who you are during the break-up and after says so much about your character, maturity, and the respect you have towards those you date. Like, are you the person hanging with your friends and doing what you need to work through the feels, or are you the person bait/rage texting your ex and posting cryptic messages on social media??

We are all allowed to leave what isn't working, just like we are allowed to be devastated when it happens to us - but there is no reason to add to the hurt by acting a fool.

06/25/2025

Happy June baskings! June always feels like the beginning of summer break. A time to lean into more fun - hanging at the pool or beach, seeing live music, catching a new movie, or just warm nights, driving around, and listening to tunes. Something I've done since I was a teen was to make a list of activities that would make me feel like I had a good summer. I invite you to make your own summer wish-list of 10 things (that are accessible) that if completed, you feel like this summer was a gem! May I suggest including things like a nap during a thunderstorm, an afternoon of cloud shape guessing (did you know that's called pareidolia?), and catching fireflies.

This month's playlist includes songs enjoyed with friends, road trips, warm night kisses, and shaking off the stress of the world.

The baskings✨️✨️✨️

It's a yellow, stripy beach lounge that comes with a side table for that fridge cig - mousse that helps these curls fight humidity without getting stiff- flavor enhancer for when you don't want to drink water plain (also great in seltzer)- cherries because they're sweetly in season and a cherry pitter is a lovely stress reducing activity - comfy, slip on shoes that are super cute - water bottle from my favorite self-care spot

I hope June is being sweet to you!

06/12/2025

An ex checked out a post of mine, and without thinking, I threw my phone. Bodies are funny that way - they can somatically show up as a truth meter with a pinch of protection. This tends to happen whenever this person does a toe-dip into my world, but I didn't always read my body's cues as negative. All the unknowns of what will happen next mixed with my attraction towards them had my body constantly on edge but made me think all those signals were passion. Yeah....oof!

So much plays into what makes us desire someone. Some of it is truly magical stuff, and some of it is wrapped up in the trickery of what feels familiar and the fantasy of what we desire. Our body often gives us some powerful clues, but if we romanticize the negatives into positives, not only are we confusing ourselves in this relationship, but it can become a pattern in future relationships, too.

Here is the gentlest of nudges to fully see and feel the relationship as it is to help you move from limerance to is-this-worth-it? Do you feel at ease with them? Does your body feel all those sweet/hot/fun tingles when you're together? Does it feel consistent? Chemistry and attraction on their own can make for a fun time, but if you have to pretend they're doing more to stay in this relationship, that is some toxic stuff, my dear.

Andrea Kinnaugh, LMFT

09/04/2025

08/27/2025

08/21/2025

08/14/2025

08/07/2025

07/31/2025

07/23/2025

07/17/2025

07/10/2025

07/03/2025

06/25/2025

06/12/2025

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