Ginger Sullivan PC, Psychotherapist, Author & Fumbling Human Being

11/14/2023

Honored to be quoted in this Washington Post article:

Divorce lawyers, therapists, contractors and homeowners on the ways remodeling can tear down a relationship — and how to survive a renovation with yours intact.

06/03/2022

10/12/2021

Are you promotion focused or prevention focused?

Promotion focused refers to seeing a carrot, desiring it, and going after it. We recognize our need for nurturance and care. We admit our hunger as a human being. We lean in and intentionally execute by turning our time, energy, and attention toward the treasured prize. We want to feel better, more, and alive.

Prevention focused refers to preventing loss. Our basic security needs are not met. We are not okay or fear that we won’t be. Thus, we focus on our duties and obligations toward safety and protection. We remain vigilant as to have nothing bad happen. We are concrete as opposed to curious. Our primary target is the absence of a negative outcome. We want to avoid feeling bad.

Once we accept life on life’s terms, the inevitable good and bad, we grow tolerant of a wider range of feelings. With the bottom no longer feeling eternal, we develop trust in our ability to withstand pain. This emotional expansion births room for greater freedom to want and have more, resulting in joy.

Promotion or prevention?

Yours for the choosing.

For the rise of your life …

09/22/2021

One of the many reasons I love doing couples therapy is that I get to meet many “therapy virgins.” Folks that have never darkened the door of a therapist’s office because they never knew they needed to. And here they come. Begrudgingly, of course. Being dragged by a partner that is not happy with how they are showing up in the relationship.

“You go see someone or I am out!” A little leverage goes a long way.

They walk into my office. Sit as far away as they can from me. And always have that look. You know the one that has written all over their face – just get me out of here as fast as you can and make this as painless as possible.

I always start with that person. Seeing if I can crack their defenses with a little interest, human love and validation. And more times than not, the magic takes over. Some small part inside their well-practiced outside responds to the safe setting.

“Maybe this is the place and time I can get your attention,” the small wounded child whispers to the practiced functioning adult sitting as far away from me as they possibly can.

“Welcome to the sick bus,” I say.

That’s the one I am on. Much better to be on the sick bus and know you are sick than on the alternative – the sick bus and not know you are sick. We’re the fun bus. We keep it real. We know that no one escapes childhood without a few scratches and bruises. Better to face the truth and do your work. That way, everyone wins.

Here are a few signs and symptoms of unhealed trauma – both a “T” and a “t” ~~

Depression
Rage
Addiction
PTSD
Pain
Guilt/Shame
Flashbacks
Sleep Issues
Fear of abandonment
Fear of closeness
Grandiosity

Don’t wait until someone gives you an ultimatum. So many ways to skin a cat. All you have to do is show up with your hand raised high. Life is too short to not squeeze it for all its juiciness. Welcome to the sick bus.

09/20/2021

One of the three necessities for a healthy relationship is emotional regulation. When one is being triggered into an escalated state of fight, flight, freeze or fix, one is not capable of being relational. In fact, when one’s amygdala has taken over due to a perceived or real threat, one is anti-relational. It is all – and only – about personal survival.

During this phase, it is best to give yourself and your partner time to cool down or de-escalate. Because if either or both of you stay engaged, it will get ugly. And relational connection erodes with chronic and unchecked injuries.

Do you know when you are flooded or escalated?

* Heart speeds up to more than 100 BPM;
* Adrenaline starts to pump;
* Unable to focus on the issue;
* Speech becomes pressured and volume increases;
* Non-responsive to your partner’s questions or commentary;
* Tunnel-vision and/or tunnel-hearing;
* Breathing becomes rapid and shallow;
* Either/Or thinking;
* Muscles tense or tighten;
* Feeling hot, flushed, dry mouth, shaky or sweaty.

Study yourself and study your partner. The more one can know when you and your partner are getting triggered, the better you can protect your beautiful, co-created relational space. It might feel “good” to react, act out or rant, but once your adult functioning self is back in the driver’s seat, you will regret your recklessness. Emotional regulation protects your intimate investment for the long haul.

07/28/2021

Children are gifted as natural feelers.
Let them keep that gold.
The only thing you gotta do is help them attach a label to the emotion before taking the elevator to their mouths to use their words.
Keep the feelings. Just move them from action to words.
And in the meantime, we adults get to unlearn our own shutdown. Words, words, words.
Then, we all win.

For the rise of your life …

07/27/2021

Everybody gets a voice. And, everyone needs to be heard.

Whether you agree, or not.
Whether you experienced it differently, or not.
Whether you think you partner is crazy, or not.

If you signed up to be in long-term relationship, you signed up to make sense of your partner’s perspective.

End of story. Or, it will be the end of your relationship’s story.

Make the psychological and relational space for each of you to be understood and validated.
Such for a good relationship makes.

For the rise of your life ...

07/02/2021

Shuffle, my friends.
It's your turn.

For the rise of your life ...