01/11/2022
Dear Reader,
Welcome to Lentz Letters! It’s time to catch you up on what has been happening since my last letter. 2021 was certainly an action-packed year for Lentz Counseling. Many of my readers took advantage of groups offered at 223 Jersey Street Westfield, Indiana. As a result of positive response, I have increased the opportunities that are available for Trauma, Codependency and Addiction Groups in 2022. I plan to keep those group sizes small so that everyone can get the most out of it. Please contact me if you have interest in claiming one of these seats. I plan to begin all 3 of these opportunities in February. As we put a close to 2021 it is important that we start to consider if anything that is causing problems in life is left in our blind spots. Blind spots can leave us in the dark. They can be so obvious to everyone around us, but they have become our old familiar way of coping with this or that. For example, consider how much your inner critic intrudes into your life. If you were walking by a mirror, would you expect to see your inner critic staring back at you while whispering those “not so sweet nothings” in your ear? You know what I am talking about! Inner Critics are way too common and not something to joke about. They have grown to be the part of our psyche that attack us due to performance fears, writer’s block, self-doubt, low self-esteem, guilt, obsessive- thinking or addiction. They try and are sometimes very successful at creating a box that they want us to fit into. We often give this part a lot of personal power and it often seems like a little person with its own feelings, memories, goals, and motivations living inside our heads and directing traffic. Our “reward” from this critic can be silence if we succeed in this project or that task. But if we don’t succeed, prepare for the attack. I can clue you in on a little unknown secret, they have no power to act. Therefore, they must judge or push us to enforce the way they want us to act. It is true that they feel so scary with their big tough act. The reality is that they are more scared about what might happen if they don’t do this job.
Here's is the facts. Usually, the inner critic has been around for years. They are younger parts of yourself that took on the burden of protecting you when you were much younger. Were you judged frequently or harshly as a child? Was that judgment accompanied by anger, yelling or physical abuse? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, consider how your judgment was defined. Perhaps you were expected to perform at a high level, not show emotions, be proper, or take care of your parents or siblings. You experienced some validation only if you met certain standards. If you didn’t meet the standard, you were criticized or judged. Maybe you only heard about your shortcomings and never your successes? Maybe you had an outgoing, beautiful mother and you are an introvert that “looks more like your father’s side of the family”. This led you to believe that something was wrong with you as you compared yourself to your mother. Perhaps you packed your bags with your parent’s shame when you left home for good. You have been carrying that same luggage which has been weighing you down with shame for far too long.
Perhaps the punishment didn’t’ fit the crime. You heard your mother’s screech at you, scold you or s***k you while calling you “bad” for any number of behaviors we can normally expect from a child. If you were attacked frequently your inner critic turned to anger that is now internalized. (The anger had to go somewhere, since it is not safe to be angry at an aggressive parent, self-sabotage begins.) Perhaps your family of origin added rejection to their criticism or abuse. This part was created to shape you into becoming what your family wanted. (If this part attacks you before your family member does then it won’t hurt so bad.) Ok, not rational but it was created in the moment with the tools this younger part had at its disposal.
Can you believe that this part is trying to help? Its attacks were really distorted attempts to protect by keeping you safe from failure, judgment, abandonment, and humiliation. For example, If the inner critic part prevents you from ever trying anything difficult. It accomplishes it by constantly judging and discouraging. Some critics are primarily trying to get approval, attention, or admiration from people who are important to the individual. Perfectionists and task masters believe that if you are perfect or very successful, you will gain the attention you have always wanted. Molders believe that if you fit the mold of just who your parents or culture want you to be then you will finally get the love you so desperately need.
Even though they are trying to protect they end up causing far more pain than they are trying to prevent. They are stuck in the past where there was real danger or harm. They only know how to criticize, and they have no real idea that they are contributing to the problem. We can stop the cycle of pain by making this inner critic part of you aware of its impact. This part of you may not so easily give up the lead but it needs to be convinced that it can learn a different way of responding to the situation. The critic may need to understand how you can help. Tell the critic that it doesn’t have to use its judgment strategy to protect you because you don’t need as much protection now that you are an adult, and you have a better way of handling difficult situations. Explain that you as an adult self are less vulnerable and dependent like you were as a child. You are autonomous and are no longer under the power of your parents. You have many strengths and capacities as an adult that you didn’t have as a child. You are more grounded and centered. You may be more assertive, more perceptive about interpersonal situations, better able to support yourself. You are an adult with much greater ability to handle yourself. You have support to rely on. This means that you are not in danger like you were as a child. So, your critic can relax and allow you to handle things.
Okay, okay there might be some steps in between that help the inner critic be motivated to release control and have a willingness to step aside from the position right next to your ear or taking up residence inside your brain. Plus, you must learn how to use the support of your Inner Champion. I can almost sense your inquisitively asking me right now, “what is an Inner Champion?”
The Inner Champion is the part in each of us that supports and helps us to feel better about ourselves. It encourages us to be who we truly are rather than fitting into the mold our Inner critic created for us. One way to think about your inner champion is to see it as the ideal supportive parent that you always wished you had. It helps you to see the positive truth about yourself instead of the negative lies from the inner critic.
Everyone needs an Inner Champion to support them in feeling good about oneself and moving forward in life. Plus, everyone needs an Inner Mentor that can help to see where you can improvements need to be made. The Inner Champion supports your capacity for self-esteem, and your Inner Mentor supports your capacity for self- improvement. All of this is be in self- control so that you won’t be blindsided.
If your inner critic’s voice seems to be on speed dial in your life contact me today and learn how to gain back control in your life.
