11/22/2024
This is pretty powerful... Itâs a modern phenomenon that we have âmy truthâ and âthe truth.â
And even beyond thatâthat thereâs an expectation for âmy truthâ to be seen as 100% valid while âthe truthâ has become harder to determine.
The truth: behaviors or occurrences that an objective outsider can observe and measure
My truth: how I feel about the truth OR how I perceive and interpret the truth OR the meaning I assign to the truth based on my assumptions/psyche/personality
In relationships, understanding your personâs âmy truthâ is an important way of knowing them and feeling connected (aka in making love maps). And also, that has to go both waysâeach person may have a very different âmy truthâ in a situation! And also (just one more), sometimes it CAN be helpful to agree on what the truth is before trying to understand my truths. We have to be able to acknowledge my truths as a personal reaction specific to the person.
Let me give an exampleâŚ
The truth: On Tuesday morning, A and Z agree that Z will pick up the grocery order on the way home from work. On Tuesday evening, Z arrives home without the grocery order.
Aâs truth: I canât rely on Z for anything. Z doesnât think about our family as much as I do. Z doesnât understand how much this is going to mess things upâI canât make dinner and I canât make lunches for tomorrow. Why does it feel like I have to do everything around here for it to function well? Z doesnât appreciate how much I do. Z doesnât care about me or our family in the way I need.
Zâs truth: I had one of the worst days at work. Iâm worried Iâm going to be let go, and then what will we do? Iâm so consumed with worry that I drove right past the grocery store. Now that I see the disappointment on Aâs face, I feel like a failure. Even though this is fixable, A is going to be upset all night. A will use this against me in the future to prove Iâm unreliable. A will never understand the pressure Iâm under.
How do they resolve this?
1) Z acknowledge the truth. âI didnât pick up the grocery order like I said I would.â
2) A agree with the truth. âYeah.â
**we already have the beginnings of connection!**
3) Both A and Z get curious about the otherâs truth and state it to them. This is stepping outside oneself; itâs going away from explaining âmy truthâ and going toward deep knowing of your person. Z might say, âI bet the worst part about this is that you feel like you canât rely on me. Iâve heard you express that before.â A might say, âI wonder if something else was on your mind and thatâs why you forgot?â
4) They confirm or add to the otherâs attempt to understand. A might say, âYeah, itâs mostly that, and also that we donât have what I need for dinner and the kidsâ lunches.â Z might say, âYou got it; my mind is racing with anxiety about work. I donât remember anything about my drive home.â
5) The calmness of this exchange would allow two important things nextâŚ
a) For Z to apologize for the mistake, and for both to then problem solve how to get groceries.
b) For A to ask more about Zâs work and give emotional support/reassurance
Thatâs the ideal scenario, right? It takes time, effort, emotional regulation, humility, and being cooperative over competitive. Itâs well worth it because the alternative sounds like thisâŚ
A: Where are the groceries?
Z: Huh?
A: You were supposed to pick up the grocery order!
Z: Oh my gosh. I forgot.
A: Are you serious!?! I canât believe this! What are we going to do?
Z: Relax, itâs not that big of a deal.
A: Yes it is!!! I relied on you to do that, and now we donât have dinner or lunch ingredients!
Z: We can get takeout and they can buy lunch tomorrow.
A: Thatâs not the point! I make the meal plan, I do the cooking, and you couldnât even just pick up groceries! This is ridiculous! You donât care about our family. Youâre so selfish.
Z: I canât do anything right in your eyes! Iâm trying to fix this, but youâre determined to be mad at me tonight. (Leaves room)
The first scenario is harder in the short term, but allows for a great rest of the evening. The second scenario is easier in the short term but creates an evening of disconnection (and a need for a recovery conversation).
While we're being honest with ourselves... đđź
