09/01/2025
I was talking with a couple of older women the other day, sisters, who have come to the conclusion that it’s too late to leave the toxic relationships that they have spent the majority of their lives in as the wife. One of them commented that she didn’t even know why they married these men to begin with. They weren’t love bombed into thinking they’d found the love of their life, they didn’t “have to” get married. So Why?
EXPECTATIONS! Family expectations, societal expectations. And on the heels of expectation comes judgement.
Fifty years ago, when these women were in their early 20s, there were common expectations of women and how their lives should go. You were expected to find someone suitable, who checked all the boxes and who you liked well enough. Then you hoped that they liked you well enough to ask you to date. The whole point was to “snag a husband”, have children and live the rest of your life happily ever after. It was expected that you would be married and having children by 25. In fact, I realize now, that I went through with my wedding because of what I perceived as other people’s expectations.
Why do other people’s expectations or what we believe are other people’s expectations, have such a strong influence on how we go through life? Why do we care so much about what other people think of how we are living? When did other people’s comfort become more important than our personal happiness?
Don’t get me wrong, there are some common expectations that keep our society running that are probably necessary. Being at work as scheduled and decent personal hygiene are just 2 that are accepted as part of how we function as a society. If either of those expectations are not met, there can be unpleasant consequences.
But what about perceived expectations. These are what we think other people expect us to be doing or how we think they expect us to behave. How are these perceived expectations developed? Let’s go back to the two women I started out with. How many times do you think they were asked if they were dating anyone and if they weren’t, asked the follow-up, why not? If they were dating someone for an extended period of time it was inevitable that they got asked when they were getting married and what were they waiting for? What does this lead to?
JUDGEMENT! Judgement of self and the fear of being judged by others. Thoughts like “everyone else is getting married…I must be “less than” the other girls if nobody wants to marry me”. Comments like “if you don’t hurry up and get married you’re going to end up a crazy cat lady” make it seem as if life will be a disappointing disaster and not worth living if you don’t follow the path that society has laid out.
That leads me back to my question from the beginning. When did other people’s comfort become more important than our personal happiness?
When we make a different choice for ourselves than what is expected by our family, friends or society we make those people uncomfortable. They don’t know how to respond. They don’t understand why if a particular choice was good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you? Maybe the choice that they made is wrong! In order to make themselves more comfortable, they send out judgement and since nobody likes to be judged, it is easier to follow along and succumb to the expectations of others.
Why does this matter? When we act based on the expectations of others we are giving them our power. The most fundamental right we have upon choosing to incarnate is that of free will. Our free will is our power. When we decide that another person’s comfort is more important than living our best life as we see it, we are handing over our power to others to allow their comfort to control how we live our lives. And when we have done that and then can not live up to those expectations, we start diminishing our self worth. Diminished self worth then leads to the creation of limiting beliefs which become the operating systems by which we live. This incongruent way of being can manifest physically as symptoms of anxiety, depression, chronic unresolving pain, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, cancers and a host of other health concerns.
Maybe it’s time to think about taking back your power.
