08/31/2024
This is the essence of cognitive behavioral therapy! An example of Reframing a challenging situation includes learning to respond rather than automatically reacting.
The 90/10 Principle
Consider a situation: You're eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter accidentally knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You curse and harshly scold your daughter for the mishap. She breaks down in tears.
After scolding her, you turn to your wife and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal argument follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your wife must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 80 km an hour in a 60 km/h speed limit zone. After a 15-minute delay and paying a $60 traffic fine, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs to the building without saying goodbye.
After arriving at the office 30 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terribly, and as it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to going home. When you arrive home, you find a small wedge in your relationship with your wife and daughter. Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning.
Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the traffic policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?
The answer is D.
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened:
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "It's OK honey, you just need to be more careful next time." Grabbing a towel, you rush upstairs, change your shirt, and grab your briefcase. You come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You and your wife kiss before you both go to work. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good a day you are having.
Notice the difference. Two different scenarios. Both started the same but ended differently. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 secret:
If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly, and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out, etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound the steering wheel? Curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the blue car ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it! If you are told you lost your job, why lose sleep or get irritated? It will work out. Channel your energy and time into finding another job. If the plane is late, and it is going to mangle your schedule for the day, why vent your frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to read, get to know the other passengers, etc. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90/10 secret. Apply it, and you will be amazed at the results.
✍🏻 Worth Sharing
