Page Rutledge, LCSW, CHt

09/16/2025

What’s behind your conflict?
Fights often have deeper meaning. Here are some common underlying issues couples can have:

A fight about chores may really be about feeling unappreciated.

A disagreement over spending might reflect deeper worries about security.

An argument about screen time may really be about longing for more attention and connection.

A conflict over parenting styles might reflect fears about not being respected or supported as a parent.

A disagreement about social plans may actually be about wanting to feel like a priority.

Tension around intimacy might point to deeper needs for affection, closeness, or reassurance.

A fight about being late may really be about one partner’s need for reliability and trust.

According to Gottman research, every conflict has “dreams within” it. These dreams are the values, needs, or fears hidden underneath.

When you slow down and ask, “What’s really at the heart of this for you?” you can move from fighting to understanding. Find out more at www.pagerutledge.com

09/09/2025

Curiosity is one of the most underrated tools in a healthy relationship. If I can help a couple shift to this mindset, I consider it a great success, and it is not easy--for them.

It is not easy because big emotions swallow them whole in a conflict.


When challenges come up, it’s easy to slip into judgment, defensiveness, or shutting down. But choosing curiosity changes the conversation.



Instead of asking, “Why would you do that?,” curiosity invites, “Help me understand what this means for you.”



Staying curious keeps the door open for dialogue and helps you discover the emotions and needs underneath the surface.



It will strengthen trust and connection, because when you feel heard and valued, even conflict can bring you closer.



So remember…

Ask questions.
Stay curious.
Really listen.

If you need help with this contact me at

Anxiety Therapy J. Page Rutledge specializing in general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, attachment anxiety, and mid-life change.

07/30/2025

Most arguments aren’t really about what they appear. If you are stuck in repeated fights that go nowhere, contact me at www.pagerutledge.com

06/16/2025

Why do humans kiss?💋
1. Biological and Evolutionary Reasons
• Chemical exchange: Kissing allows for the exchange of pheromones and other chemical cues. These can help humans subconsciously assess genetic compatibility, especially related to immune system genes (like MHC).
• Oxytocin and bonding: Kissing stimulates the release of oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”), dopamine (pleasure), and serotonin (well-being). These neurochemicals reinforce pair bonding, attachment, and romantic desire — all helpful for keeping mates together long enough to raise offspring.

2. Developmental Origins
• Mouth-to-mouth feeding: In some ancient and traditional societies, caregivers fed babies by passing chewed food mouth to mouth. This intimate behavior may have set the stage for affectionate mouth contact.
• Comfort and safety: Infants associate the mouth and face with safety and nourishment, so adults may retain some of this imprinting in romantic bonding.

3. Cultural Influence
• Not all human cultures kiss in a romantic way — anthropologists estimate about 44% of cultures engage in romantic kissing. So while it feels universal to many, it’s partly learned.
• Where kissing is practiced, it often becomes a social script — a symbolic gesture that conveys love, desire, trust, or commitment.

4. Do Any Other Animals Kiss?

Not exactly like humans, but some come close:
• Bonobos (our close relatives) kiss mouth-to-mouth — often with tongue — as part of social bonding and conflict resolution.
• Dogs and cats may lick faces affectionately, which can serve similar bonding purposes.
• Birds like parrots sometimes touch beaks in a way that looks like kissing, often as courtship behavior.

05/24/2025

https://pagerutledge.com/navigating-retirement-as-a-couple/

Retirement: more time for love… and more time to notice how loud your partner chews. 😅

Retirement: more time for love… and more time to notice how loud your partner chews. 😅

05/15/2025

When should you go to couples therapy?

Anytime- if your thinking about it, it’s worth it. A Relationship doesn’t have to feel catastrophic in order seek counseling. It can provide reconnection, learned intimacy skills, improve communication, help manage external situations, etc.

And say yes to your partner the first time they ask you to attend together. So many wait until they are so deeply stuck in negative cycles, it takes longer to unwind them.

If you need help, or a friend is asking you for recommendations, I will have a couple of openings beginning in June

Anxiety Therapy J. Page Rutledge specializing in general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, attachment anxiety, and mid-life change.

04/17/2025

It’s natural to want your partner to act a certain way—listen more, be more affectionate, help out more often. But here’s the truth: you can’t control your partner’s behavior.

What you can control is how you express your needs, how you manage your emotions, and how you choose to show up in your relationship.

Instead of demanding change, focus on sharing your positive needs. Express what you would like to happen (positive) instead of what you want to stop (negative).

“I’d love it if we spent more one-on-one time together this week,” is more effective than “You never make time for me.”-Gottman Institute.

If you and your partner struggle with this or other issues, come see me, or contact me at www.pagerutledge.com to set up an appointment.

Anxiety Therapy J. Page Rutledge specializing in general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, attachment anxiety, and mid-life change.

04/03/2025

Stating A Need In A Way That Can Be Heard

Imagine this: after a long, stressful day, you finally walk through the door—only to be met with chaos. Your partner has questions about bills, your kids need your help, and you’re running on empty. You snap: “Please! I need everyone to stop bothering me!” Suddenly, the room goes silent. Your family looks hurt. And now, you feel worse.

We’ve all been there—completely overwhelmed. But instead of expressing what we want to stop, what if we focused on what we need?

That’s the power of a positive need. Rather than saying, “Stop bothering me,” you could say, “I need a few quiet minutes to myself.” It’s clearer, kinder, and more likely to be respected.

Try it in other moments too. Feeling distant? Instead of, “Stop ignoring me,” say, “I’d love a hug.”

When things like this happen, try to pause, breathe, and turn your frustration into a positive need. It helps you connect—and feel heard.—Gottman Institute

Picture for attention.
If you need help with this as a couple, contact me at www.pagerutledge.com

03/29/2025

https://pagerutledge.com/why-is-assertiveness-important/

I hate confrontation. I wish I could give every woman who thinks that a lesson on assertiveness and why it can feel uncomfortable, but is so necessary.

03/06/2025

Are you bad at communicating your needs, especially when you need space? It’s important to communicate your needs to your partner, but it’s also important to validate yourself.

Positive self-talk can help you communicate boundaries with your loved ones, and it’s a way of giving yourself permission to take a break... not that you need one!

Here are some ways to talk to others—and yourself—about your needs:

Communicating your needs to yourself:
I know there are a million things to do right now, but I’m feeling so disconnected. I need to dedicate some time to my friendships. I am craving a fun dinner with friends. I'll be able to tackle my to-do list when I've done some self-care and nurtured my friendships.

Communicating your needs to others:
“I need to spend tomorrow with friends so that I can release some of this tension and return more relaxed, energized, and loving with you.”

Communicating about space to yourself:
It’s okay to need time alone, and it doesn’t mean I’m distancing myself from others—it means I’m prioritizing my wellbeing. I can feel that I need some quiet, uninterrupted space to recharge. Giving myself this space isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. When I honor this need, I return to my relationships feeling more present, patient, and connected.

Communicating about space to others:
“I'm looking forward to having a home cooked meal with you tonight, but this afternoon I need to take some time for myself to relax from this stressful week. Let's reconnect later when I've finished reading my book.”
—Gottman Institute

02/15/2025

https://pagerutledge.com/what-do-people-want-from-therapy/
So do you know what people actually say they want from therapy? If not, here it is, in a nutshell. If you're not getting it, contact me at www.pagerutledge.com

Anxiety Therapy J. Page Rutledge specializing in general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, attachment anxiety, and mid-life change.

01/30/2025

Couples: Do you take the time to really feel your emotions? When they run high, we tend to run past them and say things we can’t take back.

Do you take the time to communicate these emotions to each other?

With the constant stressors and distractions of everyday life, it can be difficult to find moments to truly connect with what you are feeling. And if you can’t even take time to figure out your feelings, forget about communicating those feelings to your partner in a way that can be heard and taken in w/o getting defensive.

But sometimes, your emotional life might spiral out of control and the emotions you’ve ignored might bubble to the surface, negatively affecting your relationships.

If you cannot identify your own emotions, you cannot understand them or process them nor communicate them. Subsequently, your partner cannot be a source of comfort and support.

This week, First tap into your feelings, name them to yourself, THEN try putting your feelings into words with the stance of curiosity, not dumping or attacking. If you need help with this, contact me at www.pagerutledge.com