Page Rutledge, LCSW, CHt

Anxiety Therapy | Page Rutledge - Anxiety Therapist, Wilmington NC

Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. It often occurs later in the relationship when the partner who does this on the regular pre-decides they know exactly how the fight is going to go, so they stonewall to avoid.

Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Stonewalling during conflict leads to…

A decrease in the ability to process information (reduced hearing, reduced peripheral vision, problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture).
An increase in defensiveness.
A reduction in the ability for creative problem-solving.
A reduction in the ability to listen and empathize.

It never leads to any kind of compromise or resolution. If you want to know what to do instead, I can help with that. Contact me at www.pagerutledge.com.

Anxiety Therapy | Page Rutledge - Anxiety Therapist, Wilmington NC Anxiety Therapy J. Page Rutledge specializing in general anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, attachment anxiety, and mid-life change.

If you are experiencing anticipatory grief because a loved one's death is fairly imminent, you figuratively put on your mask by making sure your basic needs are met. Are you sleeping well? Eating well? Hydrating? Are you caring for your own physical and emotional health? Have you reached out for help?

And please know that once your person dies, you may feel much less sorrow than you are ”supposed” to feel. And that is perfectly okay. Whatever you feel is perfectly okay.

Contempt—the deadliest emotion for your relationship.
Contempt goes far beyond the first horseman, criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. It is a form of disrespect.

Contempt includes mocking, eye-rolling, sneering, name-calling, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt is poisonous to the relationship because it conveys disgust. It leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation.

Contempt, simply put, says, “I’m better than you. And you are lesser than me.”

The contemptuous person feels superior to their partner and openly expresses it in words and actions that leave their partner feeling despised and worthless.

If contempt is present in your relationship, ask yourself: is this the way you want to treat the person you love? — Gottman Institute

I'm Sorry. Estrangement Is Heartbreaking. -

The work you do on your part in estrangement is the most important and the most difficult you may ever do.

I'm Sorry. Estrangement Is Heartbreaking. - Estrangement is one of the most heartbreaking issues I treat. It can leave either you feeling guilty, "hanging" or angry. Or all three.

You may have complaints about the person you love, but complaints are different from criticism. Complaints usually contain a feeling about a specific situation and an accompanying request. Criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about another person’s personality or character. Criticism often contains words like “you always” or “you never.”

“If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.”
– William James

It’s Twos-Day!

If you want to see what this looks like, look no further than Rupert, ex-husband of Rebecca on Ted Lasso. Prime example of what to avoid.

What's your attachment style? Take this quiz to find out : Life Kit

If you’re curious, take the quiz.

What's your attachment style? Take this quiz to find out : Life Kit According to the field of attachment theory, each person has a unique attachment style, which informs how you relate to intimacy: secure, anxious or avoidant. We talk with Amir Levine, neuroscientist and co-author of the book Attached about how your attachment style can impact your relationships.

It’s true.

Here Is The Secret To Having The Best Relationships -

A little Valentine prep for you that happens to apply to any relationship you value.

Here Is The Secret To Having The Best Relationships - Three skills that comprise the secret to having the best relationships. Learn them and create more satisfaction with yours.

Do you know the 5 love languages? Here’s what they are — and how to use them

Worth a read.

Do you know the 5 love languages? Here’s what they are — and how to use them The concept of love languages expresses a simple truth: We don’t feel or experience love the same way. By knowing another person’s love language — and knowing your own — we …

It’s a hard sell in our culture where anger is the only acceptable emotion for men to display and women are expected to be sweet peacemakers, derided the moment they show forcefulness for, ironically, being too “manly.”

Repairing after arguments with your partner might involve making promises to adjust your behavior in the future. You are agreeing to a positive change in your relationship.

This can look like any of the following:

“From here on out, I will listen to you more.”
“I can work on my tone in future conversations.”
“Next time we have an argument, I will take a break when I see you’re flooded.”
“No more phones at the table during dinner. I want to be more present when we’re together.”

Promises like these, especially during conflict, allow you to take responsibility for your behavior and show your partner that you consider them and their feelings.—Gottman Institute

PSA
Signs you might need therapy from the NYT:
Are you struggling to get through the day or feeling persistently sad, irritable or anxious?
Have you withdrawn from your loved ones or are you arguing more often?
Have you thought about harming yourself?
Have there been changes in your sleeping or eating patterns?
Are you using drugs or alcohol to cope? If this is you reach out. Look in the Psychology Today directory, and if things feel desperate call the Suicide Hotline at The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

The Crisis Text Line: Text TALK to 741741

Anyone at immediate risk of harming themselves can go to the nearest emergency room or call 911. Don’t give up until you get help!

Just 6 hours a week doing these things will improve your relationship with your partner. It is the mindset of being intentional about it, and prioritizing that makes the difference. If you want to understand more about how to improve things with your partner, contact me at www.pagerutledge.com

Is this you? Join the club!🤣

Yeah.

I Don't Feel Like It! -

Maybe it's past time to take down those decs! But if you don't feel like it well, read on!

I Don't Feel Like It! - "I don't feel like it" is a common thought or mood. Overcome it by thinking in opposites. , and defeat the gremlins of avoidance.

There is no big mystery to practicing self compassion. Do you know what the simplest question is to do this? It is to ask yourself “What do I need to do right now?”

Five Finger Tracing is very helpful to calm yourself. Here's how:
Hold one hand in front of you, fingers spread. Now, slowly trace the outside of your hand with the index finger on your other hand, breathing in when you trace up a finger, and out when you trace down. Move up and down all five fingers. When you’ve traced your whole hand, reverse direction and do it again.

Give Your Mental Illness a name. Example:
While Lily Burana had always been candid about her depression and anxiety, getting a third diagnosis this spring — for A.D.H.D. — made it harder to discuss her mental health clearly, she wrote. So Ms. Burana gave “the whole bundle” a nickname: Bruce. As in Springsteen, a public figure who has been open about his own struggles with mental health. “The nickname allows me to efficiently keep people apprised of my status, as in: ‘Bruce has really been bringing me down this week,’” she wrote. “The nickname helps me lighten up about my own darkness.” NYT, 1/3/22

What therapists do.

Timeline photos

This time of year isn't always "merry and bright" for everyone. If you or someone you know is dealing with some tough thoughts or emotions this holiday season, reach out. We're here for you, 24/7/365, at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 💚

📸: .joan.short on Instagram.

Yeah, this.

It's that time of year when I close to rest and replenish. The office will reopen January 10, 2022. Here's to a peaceful, healthy holiday season!

Grief Speaks
Love this beautiful response from an older person on reddit who responded to this heartfelt plea: “My friend just died. I don’t know what to do.”

A lot of people responded. Then there’s one old guy who gave a comment that stood out from the rest…

“Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

~I/GSnow

Have shared this before and someone asked me to share it again. It’s perfect.

ci5.googleusercontent.com

Understanding must proceed advice. That means that unless your person feels heard and understood, any suggestions you offer will fall on deaf ears.

ci5.googleusercontent.com

When you have a fight, or a “regrettable incident” as Gottman likes to say, knowing how to properly repair it is the best way forward to doing it better next time. In any healthy relationship, there is likely to be a next time😊

How do you know if you can really trust someone? Dr. John Gottman found five criteria for trustworthiness in his research:

5 Criteria for Trustworthiness According to Dr. John Gottman

1. Honesty: Does your partner tell the truth to you and to others?

2. Transparency: Does your partner invite you to meet family, friends, colleagues? Do they confide in you about major stressors, ambitions, and goals?

3. Accountability: Is there proof that your partner keeps their promises?

4. Ethical Actions: Does your partner display just and fair conduct with consistency?

5. Proof of Alliance: Does your partner have your back? Are they on your team?

It's true. And within your power to say it.