08/30/2025
Long vulnerable post.
So, in a couple of weeks, I’m going to be doing an interview for a podcast called Secret Grief to Sacred Grace. I titled the podcast that because it’s about my journey of not being able to have kids.
So I’m sitting here and I’m just reviewing my story, writing in my journal, reading some things that I’ve written before about the experience, listening to some prophetic words that I got about having children and I’m pausing as I’m writing. I’m screaming as I’m writing. I’m saying I’m OK God, I’m OK God, I know mentally I know cognitively I’m good, But my body and my emotions are not and I can’t control it and I’m experiencing something that I tell my clients all the time, sometimes in life we’re gonna experience things where we have a mental, intellectual knowing and understanding but just because we know it in our cognition, doesn’t mean that our body, our emotions are always gonna line up with what we know.
So I’m screaming. I’m OK I’m OK God I know it. I know it but my body but my emotions you know I got tears coming and I’m feeling the intensity of the loss that I experienced the journey that I went through and I’m good and not good at the same time and that’s OK.
I’m glad that the Lord can hear my yelling, he can. He knows what my body is feeling and even as I’m writing this, I’m saying, God we good we good. As I’m remembering, you know the disappointment, the feelings of betrayal, the anger that I had at God because this loss was a loss that I experienced because I chose him and even when I’m listening to these prophetic words, hope comes and I’m I’m living in the manifestation of the prophetic words cause I have children, I have grandchildren. It’s not what I thought it would be. It’s not how I thought it would manifest, but it’s so good and God said that it would be so good. He said that I would be happy and I am. I know this, I am but yet and still my body remembers, my body feels, my body creates these emotions that are so real but yet and still, I’m happy but I had a loss experience of grief.
Grief is something that we don’t get over. It’s not a problem to be solved. It’s a journey. It’s an experience that we make room for in our heart, in our life because what we lost matters. My babies they mattered even though I never got to hold them, even though I never got to see them, they were mine so that’s a loss. That’s a significant loss that I’ll have for the rest of my life even though I’m good and I’m OK and the plan of the Lord has worked out perfectly, but I am human so that means I’m gonna feel and that’s OK.
My Journey~Secret Grief to Sacred Grace. 😭🥹 🙌🏾
