
13/08/2025
đŒBack to School Without Back to the Sickbed: A Totally Serious (Not Really) Survival Guide
đ«đAh, September (or August, or whenever your school calendar cruelly decides). The air smells like sharpened pencils, the hallways echo with the distant squeak of sneakers, and the brave soldier march into the germiest place on Earth!
đ¶âđ«ïžNow, you could spend the year coughing into your elbow and stockpiling tissues like some sort of snot-prepper⊠or you could follow these completely foolproof, 100% scientifically-questionable tips:
đ§Œđ«§Step 1. Treat Your Desk Like a Crime Scene
Before you sit down, wipe it with enough disinfectant to make CSI proud. Bonus points if you wear sunglasses indoors while doing it.
I just realised that kids will never understand this joke...parents please give context.
đ„·đŒđąStep number 2. Master the Ninja Sneeze Dodge
The moment you hear someone inhale sharply, execute a perfectly timed sideways lean. Yes, you will look suspicious. Yes, itâs worth it.
đ«đ«Step numba 3. Donât Share Drinks, Snacks, or Pens
Your friendâs water bottle may look innocent, but itâs basically a Trojan Horse for cold viruses. Bring your own snacks unless you enjoy âsharingâ the flu.
đ«¶đŒđđŒStep 4. Become a Hand-Washing Influencer
Wash your hands like youâre auditioning for a medical drama. Lather, rinse, and look dramatically into the mirror as if to say, Not today, bacteria.
đ€đđŒStep 5. Sleep Like a Champion
Late-night TikTok binges are the gateway drug to weakened immune systems. Eight hours of sleep beats any âmiracle vitaminâ you can find.
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đđŒStep 6. Maintain Your Bubble
Itâs called âpersonal spaceâ for a reason. Pretend youâre a rare collectible figure: look, but donât touch.
Remember: surviving the school year healthy isnât about luckâitâs about being alert, hygienic, and just a tiny bit paranoid. And if all else fails, at least your dramatic âI fought the germs and lostâ story will get you sympathy homework extensions.