05/07/2025
I CUT OFF ALL MY HAIR! ✂️ Here are some of my reflections on grief after an ED…
I dreamt about this haircut for months. I was so excited for the novelty and practicality of having short hair.
But once the hair was gone, I started grieving. Not the hair – but my past identity. The person I had presented to the world for the past 25 years.
The grief I felt about my hair was the same grief I felt when I recovered from my eating disorder.
I had spent YEARS planning for the day when I’d say “F it, I’m going to recover!” I was so excited by the prospect of freedom, so excited for the sweetness of infinite possibility. But, ironically, it was this possibility that prevented me from actually making a change.
Deep down, I knew the whole ED stuff would end one day. So if it was going to end anyways, why not continue a little longer?
Once I committed to the whole “recovery thing,” I realized I could never go back. I realized I could never go back to the person that was so immersed in the ED story that they were’t even aware of what was going on.
What makes quasi recovery so painful is that you can never go back to full-blown ED. It’s like when you learn to read, there’s no way for you to unlearn it. You see the truth, which, once you’ve seen it, can never again be unseen. The real suffering, even more than the eating disorder itself, begins here: when you’re torn between the possibility of discovering a better life and the impossibility of returning to your illness.
That same feeling – the awareness of not being able to put my long hair back – occurred when I first looked in the mirror.
In fact, I found myself asking the exact same questions as when I was stuck in quasi recovery! How will people perceive me? How will I handle this new body? What if I CAN’T handle this new body?
To be expected, I did a little coaching on myself! I reminded myself of why I had decided to cut off all my hair. I wanted a change, a new experience. And well, I definitely got both.
Do I miss my long hair? Yes. But, for now, that’s out of my control. So, for now, I choose to embrace all the benefits that the short hair life has to offer.