19/11/2025
I was assigned female at birth, but I was always a q***r child. My mother named me Judith after a woman from a Jewish tale who beheaded a foreign conqueror and saved her city and people. Perhaps she thought that my name would help me rise through the trappings of my assigned gender. True to my name, I was fierce, writes Judith in this personal essay.
I still felt imprisoned, growing up as a ‘girl’. The world taught me that girlhood meant confining yourself to the kitchen, keeping everything neat and in order, and being obedient. Boyhood, on the other hand, represented, to me, the great outdoors where I could be messy and free. So, I broke away from these gendered expectations, cutting my hair short and naming myself John.
But this endless summer of q***r joy didn’t last very long. At a church camp, I got to know about the Biblical end of the world, when all sinners would be left behind and suffer God’s punishment. Even though I didn’t have the language to call myself ‘q***r’, I knew that I’d be one of those left behind. From that night on, I prayed to God for forgiveness, for salvation. I swallowed pieces of my old self.
When I went to college in another city, I hesitantly embraced some parts of my q***r self. But the pandemic threw me back into my unsupportive household. I became a ghost of myself—anxious, depressed, sleepless. Going back to my ancestral home in Manipur didn’t help me either.
After I reached out for help and started therapy, something began to shift inside me. I realised that I did not need to split myself into parts or be someone I am not to make others happy. I did not have to please society, my family, or the church, says Judith.
How did Judith make peace with their faith and q***rness and find healing in people who saw them for who they are? Find out in the complete essay on our website.
This essay is a part of Stories Within, a campaign by It’s Ok To Talk and q***rbeat that features personal essays from young people about their experiences with q***rness and mental health.
Art by Amaaya ()
Edits by Anmol (.ha)
