11/06/2024
I was tired after a long day of work. My daughter was playing with her soft toys. I watched her, half-smiling at how content she was to play imaginatively by herself. It was a calm and contented moment.
I took out my phone to make a recording. Then, I saw the red "notification" icon. It demanded my attention, and I had to give in. I opened and quickly read two emails. Then, I quickly checked my Facebook notifications and watched a short video about a woman swimming with dolphins. Finally, I pressed the record button, only to capture a few seconds of my daughter playing, followed by her becoming fussy and asking me to fetch a toy that had been missing for a few weeks.
I realized that I had not only I failed to record the moment, but also failed to be present with my daughter. I suddenly felt even more tired and frustrated. My daughter picked up on my feelings and became even fussier.
I tried to look at the situation from her point of view. She saw her dad sitting two meters away but in some faraway place she could never reach. She saw me focused on whatever was on my screen, even though I was too tired to join her or at least observe her game. My heart sank as I realized I had missed a potentially wonderful moment of connection with her. I put my phone away and tended to her but it was too late. The opportunity had been lost.
I try not to be too hard on myself about it. These things happen. But I know I have to be more mindful of what I'm doing with my devices, especially in front of my daughter. Everything about my phone is designed to keep me using it: its sleek physical design, the bright and intuitive apps, and, of course, the simple little red notification button on the top right corner. Our devices and most of the apps on them are designed to keep us hooked, and it's so easy to become addicted to the dopamine hits they provide.
I needed to be intentional about what I was demonstrating for my almost 3-year-old daughter. I also wanted to model appropriate device usage for her. So I came up with the following rules that I try to stick to as far as possible (not too rigidly. I'm only human but I try):
• No devices at dinnertime
• No devices while playing with my daughter (anything that needs to be looked up can be done when she is asleep or otherwise occupied)
• The 2 hours before bedtime are sacred. Play, talk, build puzzles, connect. No screens (we usually watch TV after our daughter's bedtime)
• Leave the phone in the kitchen during the aforementioned times.
There's a ton of research on the effects screens have on the brains of developing children, but even if there wasn't, I've personally noticed the impact it has. The distraction alone is a break in emotional connection. I will admit, it is hard to stick to these rules - I'm sure I will not always succeed - but I think its worth trying as much as I can. The question I ask myself is: do I want my daughter to remember me as having my face glued to a screen, or looking at her, smiling, laughing, engaging, or teaching?
