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Monday 09:00 - 16:00 Tuesday 09:00 - 17:00 Wednesday 10:00 - 17:00 Thursday 09:00 - 17:00 Friday 09:00 - 16:00

Klara de Villiers Counselling

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South Africa
Cape Town
Klara de Villiers Counselling

🌿 Specialist Wellness Counsellor [SWC22/1489]
📍 Cape Town [online]
🗣️ English | Afrikaans

🌵Life is full of cactus but we don't have to sit on it 🌵

As a mental health counsellor, I provide support and guidance to individuals facing emotional, psychological, or behavioral challenges. I help clients navigate feelings of constant stress, low moods, relationship struggles, and difficult past experiences. Through talk counselling and various counselling techniques, I create a safe space for clients to explore their emotions, develop coping strategies, and improve their overall mental well-being. My goal is to empower clients to set and achieve personal goals, build resilience, and enhance their quality of life. I'm dedicated to promoting emotional balance and mental wellness.

11/03/2025

Feeling overwhelmed? 🌿 Try Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) + Grounding to calm your mind and body. ✨

🌱 PMR: Gently tense and relax each muscle group to release built-up tension.

🌱 Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) mimics how animals naturally release tension in the wild through physical discharge of stress.

🌱 In nature, when animals experience stress—like escaping a predator—they instinctively tense up their muscles for survival. Once they reach safety, they shake, stretch, or tremble to discharge the built-up energy, returning their nervous system to a calm state.

🌱 PMR works similarly by tensing and then releasing different muscle groups, helping the body let go of stored stress. This process signals to the brain that it's safe to relax, reducing overall tension and anxiety.

🍄Grounding: Use your senses to reconnect with the present—notice what you see, hear, and feel.

🍄 Naming things in your environment helps with grounding by shifting your focus away from overwhelming thoughts and bringing you into the present moment. By actively identifying objects around you (e.g., "blue chair," "wooden table," "ticking clock"), you engage your senses and reconnect with your surroundings. This simple practice calms the nervous system, reduces anxiety, and reminds you that you are safe here and now. 🌿✨

06/03/2025

Unhealthy or relationships can be very confusing. On the one hand, your partner (or family member or friend) can be the most caring, wonderful, and considerate person. Other times, they are horrible. On paper, you know you should leave.

But in reality it is much more difficult than simply getting up and saying 'this is enough now'.

So, let's look at what a 'trauma bond' is, and why breaking all contact is so effective in breaking the bond.

The term 'trauma ' often casually gets thrown around in everyday conversations. The most common one I have come accross is when two or more people 'bond' over their own traumatic (or difficult or uncomfortable) experiences. In this example, it is when a supportive conversation is happening in a safe space. Or, less serious version might be when you are tipsy in the club's bathroom and you borrow someone's lipstick and you vent together about how sh"tty your exes were. This isn't trauma-bonding.

Another way in which I have heard people use the term is to describe the experience that people had when they went through the same distressing event - e.g., witnessing a car crash. Although this can genuinely be traumatic, it also isn't a 'trauma bond' as referred to in .

A trauma bond (or 'trauma-coerced ') is a strong, often unhealthy emotional attachment that forms between a and their abuser due to a cycle of , abuse, and intermittent positive reinforcement. This bond is reinforced through a pattern of alternating mistreatment including the following:

1. Love Bombing
2. Idealization
3. Devaluation
4. Gaslighting
5. Intermittent Reinforcement
6. Isolation
7. Trauma Bonding

Abusers often use emotional manipulation, such as , to distort the victim’s perception of reality, making them question their own judgment and further deepening the attachment. As a result, breaking free from a bond can be extremely difficult, as the victim may feel emotionally trapped despite the harm they are experiencing.

Going 'no contact' is not a dramatic response, in fact, it is crucial to help you break the trauma bond. Swipe through to read more about it's importance.

12/02/2025

PUBLIC SERVICE REMINDER:

🌿Self-compassion + honesty + accountability will ALWAYS get you much further in life than self-hatred + denial + avoidance.

Honestly, many people are a**holes. There, I said it. We couldn't be bothered to be honest with others, because it is awkward or uncomfortable. We aren't concerned with how other people feel, because if we acknowledge that our actions hurt them, it means we need to face inwards and call ourselves out - face the fact that actually I have some ugly characteristics, that I am flawed, that I need to work on myself.

Broadly speaking, I'm going to go ahead and say most people don't want to be seen as deceptive or manipulative. Honesty and integrity are seen as good characteristics to have. But that doesn't mean it's always easy. We've all told a white lie, we've all put off having a difficult conversation. But that is different from avoiding a conversation because the current structure benefits you, although it will be detrimental in the long run to someone else.

That seems obvious. What doesn't seem obvious, is that it will also be (in some cases, extremely), detrimental to ourselves. Heck, maybe you aren't even aware that you are actually using someone. Maybe you are just recreating what you saw growing up. Maybe you haven't been taught anything else. Maybe you are too scared to face the world alone.

Here are some questions to hlep you figure out if maybe you are unintentionally using someone or leading them on. And if you're doing it intentionally, maybe it's time to do some self-reflection, turn inwards, and try and figure out if your behaviours are aligning with your values. The longer they don't, the greater the regret and shame you have to deal with later on in life. I know this, because I work with you guys in 10, 20, 30 years when the consequences of living inauthentically start catching up with you mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Love yourself enough now to face your flaws, accept your flaws, and allow yourself to change your flaws.

05/02/2025

🌠What is people-pleasing?

💥People-pleasing is a behavior pattern where a person prioritizes the needs, desires, and approval of others over their own well-being, often at the expense of their own boundaries, values, or mental health. People-pleasers tend to avoid conflict, seek validation, and struggle to say no, often fearing rejection or disappointing others.

🌠What is the 'fawn response'?

💥In extreme cases, people-pleasing can manifest as a fawn response, which is a trauma-based survival mechanism where an individual excessively appeases others to avoid conflict, criticism, or perceived danger. This response develops as a coping strategy in response to chronic stress, abuse, or unsafe relationships, where asserting oneself feels risky or even dangerous.

A person exhibiting a fawn response may:

⚡️Struggle to express their own needs or opinions
⚡️Constantly prioritize others’ emotions to prevent tension
⚡️Feel intense guilt or anxiety when setting boundaries
⚡️Lose their sense of self in relationships due to over-accommodation
⚡️This pattern is often rooted in early experiences of emotional neglect, manipulation, or trauma, where compliance became a necessary survival strategy.

28/01/2025

What would it take for you to start seeing a mental health professional?

Maybe you’ll go if there is a family tragedy. Or if you are going through a divorce. When your burnout gets so bad that you can’t get out of bed in the mornings. The day that your family and friends finally had an intervention to talk about your addiction. Or the day that your husband turns his anger that he reserved for you onto the kids.

And then, can you afford to go? Do you have medical aid which can cover the up-to R1200 that one session with a clinical psychologist can cost? Which they will likely only do if you have an official diagnosis such as major depressive disorders, bipolar mood disorder, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders (in severe cases), substance use disorders (but then maybe only for a 21 day program once off), psychosis, eating disorders, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

But do they speak your language? What if your mother tongue is Ndebele, but the only accessible clinic just has Afrikaans-speaking therapists?

It’s no wonder that we think that things have to become ‘bad enough’ to get help. And if you can’t afford it? Well then, shame.

And what about the mental health of a person who doesn’t have any diagnosable conditions?

What about the supportive and caring father fighting for equal access to his children? What about the person who hasn’t been able to go back home to see their family in such a long time that they feel they have grown completely apart from them? What about the student who is uncertain about their future, and just wants a bit of guidance?

What about the child that grows up in a family that doesn’t talk about their emotions?

A family where fights were had in front of the kids, but conflict resolution happened behind closed doors. The child that grows up seeing and hearing the fights, but never sees how they come to an agreement, how they apologise, how they plan to handle things differently in the future. The child that grows up not seeing healthy conflict resolution can become the adult whose relationships always fail because they don’t know how to say sorry.

In my experience, it is much more likely that someone will start working with me because it finally got ‘bad enough’ or because they had nowhere else to turn to. As much as they love their friends and family, they wouldn’t understand. Yes, venting and turning to the people you care about, whose opinions you value, can be very helpful. But it’s not the same as someone with an objective perspective, someone who you know will never share your feelings with anyone else, someone without a personal agenda.

Our support networks are vital, but they are also limited in terms of how much they actually can offer. Not just because they might not have the tools to use evidence-based approaches to help you process emotions, develop coping mechanisms, and help you set your goals, but also because that’s not their job. Our communities also have limited capacity in how much support they can give without it taking a toll on them. (Which in itself is a reason many people start with counselling - they don’t want to be a burden. But that’s a whole different conversation).

The reality is that you can develop a resilience that you weren’t aware you were capable of previously, you can learn how to not jump from 0-100 when you get angry, you can undo beliefs that keep you stuck mentally and emotionally. This is why you need to be proactive about your mental health.

When we start counselling in a crisis state, it seems like it’s much more evident what the ‘official’ problem is, so often we tend to focus just on that issue. But when you are out of crisis state (or start before counselling in a non-crisis state), you can get the important stuff underneath. The stuff that led to the crisis. We become aware of the stuff that we were taught, consiously or subconsciously, which often comes from our childhood and has been repeated over the years. The stuff that can be unlearned, so that you don’t end up in that crisis again.

And there are ways for you to get help without having expensive medical aid, or the ability to travel to get access to support networks.

Get your kids to go to their school counselors, if the school has them. Research on platforms like Psychology Today to see if there are professionals who charge what you can afford. Ask if they offer a sliding scale. Look for NPOs that offer online or in-person counselling. And remember, you don’t need to have a problem to want to grow.

Helpful resources for donation-based counselling services:

Hope House Counselling Centre: https://hopehouse.org.za/
The Counselling Hub: https://www.counsellinghub.org.za/
Counselling Matters Training: https://counsellingmatterssa.co.za/

22/01/2025

Only when I made this post and actually had to write down 'locus of control', did I realise I was saying "locust" of control in my mind the whole time. 🦗🦗🦗

5 First Steps to Shift from an External to Internal Locus of Control:

1️⃣ Reflect on what’s within your control: Start by identifying situations where your actions can make a difference. Focus on what you can do instead of dwelling on things outside your control.

2️⃣ Take responsibility for your choices: Acknowledge how your decisions impact your outcomes, whether positive or negative. This mindset helps you feel more empowered to make changes.

3️⃣ Reframe your self-talk: Replace phrases like "I can’t help it" or "It’s not up to me" with "What can I do to improve this?" or "I’ll try my best."

4️⃣ Set small, achievable goals: Break challenges into manageable steps that you can actively work on. Accomplishing even small goals builds confidence in your ability to influence outcomes.

5️⃣ Learn from setbacks: Instead of blaming external factors, reflect on what you can learn or do differently next time. This shifts your focus from external blame to personal growth.

💡 Progress takes time—be patient and kind to yourself as you practice these steps! 🌟

19/01/2025

More of us can relate to this than we think.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to your friends or family, there is still support for you. You aren't alone, and you will get through this.

South African Depression and Anxiety Group
011 234 4837

Su***de Crisis Helpline
0800 567 567

LifeLine
021 461 1113

16/01/2025

Hallo mense,

This will be my first official written 'post' that I've done on this page. And let me tell you, I feel incredibly awkward writing this. It's 16 days into 2025; how are your 'new me's' holding up in the new year?

I thought it was about time (read: overdue) for me to do a proper introduction, instead of just having scheduled Instagram posts pop up here as well.

Last year was very difficult—a hectic breakup, moving house four times, quitting a job, starting full-time practice, and then deciding it's a great time to get into the social media game (why are we like this?) Obviously jumping into a new project while my body and mind was still recovering from living in fight-or-flight daily for about 18 months wasn't the most sustainable idea.

So I only had one goal for this year: taking it easy. Being able to do the opposite of fight & flight - rest & digest. Getting enough sleep, managing to eat three time a day, exercising, meditating, and most importantly: creativitity.

Who knew I loved sewing? Not 2024 me. Who knew I actually enjoy journaling? Not 2024 me. Who knew it was possible for laughter to be a daily joy, not just a brief moment of relief before the dreadful reality of your day-to-day sinks back in? Who knew I could walk into the weights section of the gym without shriveling up like a distressed prune at the end of a hard day's work? I will get those Michelle Obama arms one day! (Shame, let's not even talk about 2023 Klara, bless that mess).

Looking back, it was so obvious that I needed to drastically change my environment at least a year before I managed to get the courage to do so. Hindsight is mos the best sight. I now have the energy to finally do the things that I've been wanting to do for a very, very long time.

(Was that a good enough sentence? I am desperately trying to find a segue into talking about the counselling page and why I started it, but wit escapes me, so I will try the complete opposite approach and keep it as unsmooth as possible by saying "okay let's move on from that and get to the point, lest I yap until 2026").

As you can see (if you got this far), I have a lot to say. As a counsellor, the general rule is 70:30 or 80:20 that the client talks vs the counsellor's input or insights. In other words, sessions definitely aren't the space for the counsellor to go on about general mental health chat or have educational conversations about whatever mental health topic I am interested in or am learning about at the time. A friend of mine even told me he dares me to go on a date without talking about mental health at all, and let's just say I was.... stuck between a rock and the DSM-V.

But on social media? Social media was invented for selfies and pretending people are interested in what you have to say. Bingo! Furthermore, (I am trying to add in some professional language, might even throw in a 'whomst' at some point) I am very interested in your thoughts, insights, feedback! Despite the incredibly informal approach I am taking on here, I do actually have a career in mental health, so if you have questions or if there are certain topics you'd like to discuss - send 'em my way!

(One obvious one that comes to mind after reading this post, is how I worked as a mental health counsellor but failed to prioritise my own mental health for such a long time. Unfortunately, it happens. Or, in my case, happened. Past-tense).

Here is to a joyous 2025, with belly laughs so deep you try not to p**p. To a 2025 spent with friends and family and pets! To maybe moving on from the Hot Rod movie soundtrack that I've been listening on repeat since the 1st of November. And, most importantly, to prioritising your mental health and safety.

Lots of love! (Is that okay for Facebook? Should it rather be 'kind regards'? I guess it's better than 'Bye, Felicia').

Klara

15/01/2025

🪻10 steps for practicing mindfulness to change automatic negative thoughts 🪻

1️⃣ Pause and notice:
When a negative thought arises, pause and breathe deeply. Acknowledge what you're feeling and thinking without judgment or trying to change it.

2️⃣ Label the thought:
Recognize the thought as just that—a thought, not a fact. For example, reframe “I’m not good enough” as “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.” This helps create distance and objectivity.

3️⃣ Check in with your body:
Notice your body's reactions—tight shoulders, clenched jaw, shallow breathing. Identifying physical responses helps you become aware of how thoughts affect you.

4️⃣ Breathe deeply:
Calm your body with slow, deep breaths—inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Deep breathing activates your relaxation system, easing negative feelings.

5️⃣ Practice self-compassion:
Treat yourself with kindness, as you would a friend. Say, “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” Self-compassion softens negative self-talk.

6️⃣ Reframe the thought:
Ask, “Is this thought 100% true? What evidence supports or contradicts it?” Replace it with something more constructive, like, “This is a challenge I can learn from.”

7️⃣ Ground yourself:
Shift focus to the present using grounding techniques—notice five things you see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you smell, and one you taste.

8️⃣ Practice gratitude:
Shift to a positive mindset by listing things you're grateful for or recalling a moment of pride or joy. Gratitude helps move from negativity to positivity.

9️⃣ Build the habit:
The more you practice mindfulness and reframing, the easier it becomes to create healthier thought patterns.

🔟 Seek support:
If negative thoughts overwhelm you, reach out to a counselor or therapist. They can guide you with tools and strategies for emotional well-being.

🪻You might find it easier to practice these steps by writing them out, and eventually you will easily be able to do it all mentally.

19/12/2024

Family - love them, but don't always like them? That's okay.

🌿Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all get a third-party mediator assist when things get a bit... tricky when the whole family has gathered? 🙄When your mom starts to roll her eyes very obviously, 👀 when your cousin makes that provocative comment to see how your uncle reacts, when you hear your brother refer to 'females' instead of 'women' 🤮.

Well, unfortunately we can't. But we can practice some boundaries by not entertaining backhanded 'compliments' or plainly rude comments. Swipe to see some examples of responses instead of straight-up swearing 😅

29/11/2024

Self-acceptance can be very difficult. In order to accept yourself, you need to face yourself.

💔 We might not intend to harm others. We might have experienced a lot of pain in our lives. Rejection, abandonment, abuse. We weren't taught that it's okay to make mistakes, that we won't get into trouble, that we can try again. We had to learn how to survive, and survival isn't easy.

💣 When I'm trying to survive, I don't have to consider your pain, because no-one considered mine. When we stay in survival mode, when we don't take active steps to heal, our behaviour will increasingly be at our own detriment, causing more harm than good.

So, we turn a blind eye.

⛔️ We stay in denial: there is nothing we need to accept if we act like it didn't happen.

⛔️We project: attributing our own behaviours to others, accusing them of causing the harm that we are actually causing.

⛔️We rationalise: justifying our own harmful behaviour with seemingly 'logical' reasons, using our own trauma as an excuse to avoid taking accountability for the trauma we cause to others.

⛔️We avoid: we don't have to take accountability for our harmful behaviour if we don't have to face the people we harmed. We don't want to be reminded that we had it in us to do that to someone else, and to ourselves.

In order to change the reality, we need to acknowledge the role that we've played in maintaining it. This means not running away anymore.

💚It also means finding compassion - for yourself and for others.
💚Finding love - for yourself and for others.
💚Finding forgiveness - for yourself and for others.

🌿Most importantly, it means finding the courage to accept yourself, to take accountability, and choosing to live in a way that aligns with your values.🌿

23/11/2024

Wouldn't it be great if every time you said to yourself "I need to get over this now" and then 🧚voila! ✨Your emotions have been processed, you've moved on from whatever the distress was caused by, and you are living your best life. Love that for you.

But that's unfortunately not how it works. It's giving the same kind of energy as when you're hella anxious and someone is like "just don't worry about it" - like, thanks girl, I've never thought of that before, but wow it really helped now that you said it. 🙃🙃🙃
If something keeps on coming up for you, or there is a feeling that you just can't shake - it's not going to help if you keep on telling yourself to ignore it, to push it down, to pretend that it isn't there.

🚨Think of it like a smoke detector that starts to beep. Maybe it's detecting smoke (for a lack of a better word - 'duh') or maybe the battery is going flat.

You can walk into the other room and close the door, but you will still hear it beeping. It can distract you from your work, it can interrupt conversations, it can cause you a LOT of frustration.
Even if you manage to put headphones on and play loud music - you will continue to hear it when the song changes or whenever you need to get up and go do something.
If you ignore the alarm long enough, two things can happen:
🪫 A) the battery dies and when there is an actual fire next time, you won't know about it and your house burns down.
🚒B) Your house is already burning down but you are ignoring it, hoping it just ... won't?

So what are you supposed to do? Go check it out. Why is the alarm beeping? 🧯 Is there an actual fire and it is crisis mode, or is it indicating that something needs to change? 🔌(You guys understand the metaphor here, I'm not going to over-explain it).
You can't just GET OVER something, whether it is a thought, an emotion, a memory, a belief. You have to be able to address it. Sit with it and figure out what it is telling you. The longer you put it off, the bigger impact it can have on your life, and the more difficult it can feel to face it.

Address

Vredehoek
Cape Town
8001

Opening Hours

Monday	09:00 - 16:00
Tuesday	09:00 - 17:00
Wednesday	10:00 - 17:00
Thursday	09:00 - 17:00
Friday	09:00 - 16:00

Website

https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/counselling/klara-de-villiers-vredehoek-wc/1082628

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