22/04/2025
This is such a helpful little list of phrases, but each needs a precursor or follow through, so don't stop there.
If you're in the thick of raising teenagers, you know they can be so frustrating.
They love to argue about everything. They think they know everything. They want to be treated like adults, but they have no life experience yet.
Sometimes, we get caught in such a bad cycle with our teens that fighting, snarky comments, and door slams ultimately become your standard house language.
Teen disrespect becomes the norm, and you wonder if you will ever have a regular conversation with them again.
But here is the thing, and there's no getting around it: we have to remember that we are the adults, and we have to model the behavior we want to see.
Remaining calm is a superpower, and showing your teen how to keep your cool during conflict, communicate respectfully, and cope in difficult situations is an incredible gift. It also will help them disarm other people who speak to them aggressively or disrespectfully.
5 Phrases That Will Defuse a Confrontation with Your Teen
Always remember the end goal is how to move the confrontation into a conversation.
1. "You can be mad without being mean."
If your teen comes at you, whether they have a right to be angry or not, use the phrase, "You can be mad without being mean." If they calm down, then continue the conversation. If not, walk away and let them know you're available to talk when they can speak calmly and kindly.
That being said, don't get caught up when your teen may just be acting dramatic, like if they slam a door, throw some books around, or huff and puff. If these things are not directed at you, just let them go. You do not need to attend every argument you're invited to by your teenager.
2. "Do you want help/advice or do you need me to just listen?"
This one can be tricky, but sometimes they just want to vent. Yes, it may be hard to keep your mouth shut as they talk about a teacher who would not let them turn their assignment in late even though you reminded them to put it in their backpack, but most people learn the lesson after they work through their emotions. You can always go back and ask some clarifying questions later, but this is a great opportunity to show that you care about your teens, and you won't always give them a lecture.
3. "Try Again"
Do you feel like you are constantly lecturing or correcting your tweens and teens? Teaching our kids right from wrong and how to behave like good humans is part of the job. Unfortunately, when we do it too often, adolescents start tuning us out.
The truth is our teens already know what to do. We've been preparing them for more than a decade, and they should know what the expectations are (and if you employ clear communication with them, they should know the rules and expectations). So give them a chance to do it and course correct.
Sometimes, the only correction we need to give is that their behavior was less than ideal. This is where “try again” comes into play. If your teen comes in with a request or comment that is snarky, demanding, or obnoxious, say "Try again." Put the onus on them to make the correction.
4. "Asked, considered, and answered"
If you thought a whiny toddler was bad when they wanted to stay up an extra 10 minutes, wait until you start negotiating with a teenager who wants to stay out late. "Asked and answered," is so powerful.
If your teen comes in hot with a request that is completely outlandish, consider responding with "What's your plan?" first. Listen to them and see if they thought their ask through to the end as this could help them develop critical thinking skills. Once you give your answer, however, your response should be, "Asked, considered, and answered."
Do not keep negotiating with them and explaining your why. Do not keep engaging in their barbs. They are trying to wear you down. They are trying to start a fight. They are trying to sweep the leg and take you out. They want to hurt you just as much as they feel you've hurt them.
But boundaries are a part of parenting, and you have a right to place appropriate boundaries on your teenager. "Asked, considered, and answered" is a great way to take the emotion out of a tenuous situation.
5. "Per our discussion on respectful behavior, I need to step away."
This one is my personal favorite, but it mandates that you have a sit-down conversation about what respectful conversation looks like. Don't try to do this in the heat of the moment, but instead at a time when everyone is calm. It may even involve writing these rules down and having everyone in the family sign them (and possibly including consequences for those who do not follow said contract).
You may think that your teen, spouse, or other members of the family know what respectful communication looks like, but the truth is, some people don't. Outlining what respectful behavior means in your house can be the first step in positive change. You no longer need to argue about what it looks like because it's right there on paper.
The goal is to tell them in plain and simple terms that they do not get their way by bullying, demeaning, or other disrespectful communication. If they want to be treated like adults, they have to act like adults. We show them how by defining what being disrespectful and hurtful looks like and by consistently enforcing the consequences when they cross the line.
