11/12/2020
It was put to me the dilemma between being “Controlling” as in typically Codependent behaviour, and the setting of boundaries by the Al-Anon member. This is not so much of an intertidal zone as it seems.
Boundaries are about putting-me-first. Let’s call it the oxygen mask-on-in-plane-in-trouble principle. You are told to don your mask before you help others. You can’t help anyone if you are indisposed, so set boundaries to look after yourself, your physical, spiritual and mental well-being, first.
That may entail being controlling, but do it without negotiating as in, “if this …… then that” (reward/sanction). Detachment includes boundaries. So you don’t need to be controlling.You can make your choices with consequences – so must /can the addict or alcoholic. If you remind her or him that the most common consequences of Relapse are Jail, Institutions or Death then you are not being controlling you are pointing out choices and consequences.
If you move around protecting or rescuing the addict from those and related consequences, that is your Choice. It is co-dependency and it can be Enabling (in that it is life saving) and you must accept the Consequences with as much Serenity Courage Wisdom as you can muster with Higher Power faith. Therein lies the little swirling mental tornado that addiction brings friends and fam. That’s why we have Al-Anon for support, because we understand as perhaps few do …..
