26/07/2025
I love this... Teaching integrity to our kids.
“I was only joking…”
Something I’ve been hearing a lot lately—and again just this morning in a Facebook group—is the phrase: “Only joking…”
It seems to have become a kind of get-out clause. Say something controversial, unkind, hateful, or simply untrue, and if anyone challenges you, you just laugh and say, “I was only joking!” Often followed up with, “Wow, can’t you take a joke?”
This morning’s post was a classic example. Someone wrote that they didn’t like long hair on boys because it made them look like girls (or words to that effect). Understandably, people responded by pointing out why this was problematic—and questioned why it would even be bad if it did make them look like girls.
Cue the defensive response: “Jeeeeeez, I was only joking.”
And then the enablers arrived: “I’m sure the OP was joking—can’t you all take a joke??”
I reread the original post. And maybe my brain is a bit literal (I’m great at masking, so you might not know that about me), but even I couldn’t find the joke. There was no punchline. No irony. Just a bald, biased opinion.
Here’s the thing: we can’t just say something we know is going to upset others and then, when called out, put the blame on the person who was hurt. (There’s definitely a snazzy psychological term for that behaviour—but I don’t know what it is.)
A while back, this “Only joking!” phrase was floating around my lovelies’ friendship group. The children were saying unkind things, ending them with “Only joking!”—leaving the recipient doubly hurt: first by the comment, then by being told they had no sense of humour when they bravely spoke up.
I even heard my own children say it to one another.
So I swooped in.
We had a big talk about being honest with our intentions.
If you’re going to be unkind, own it.
Admit it.
Take responsibility for what you said.
And if you can’t do that, then watch what you say.
Because saying something nasty and then deflecting the impact back onto the other person says a lot more about you than it does about them. People see through it. They know you weren’t joking. I knew that poster wasn’t joking. And our children need to know: “Only joking” doesn’t erase cruelty.
Because other children aren’t stupid. They remember.
I told my lovelies: “We all say things we shouldn’t. But it’s what we do next that matters. If you didn’t mean to hurt someone, say so—straight away. Apologise. Own your mistake in front of others. Take whatever feeling the other person gives you in return. That’s how we learn not to repeat it.”
And if you did mean to hurt them, and you hide behind “Only joking!”—know this: they’ll remember. They might still play with you, but they’ll trust you less. They might not want to spend time with you. They might not offer that lift or invite. Their friendship with you has shifted. Quietly, but definitely.
And others? The ones who heard it? They saw it too. Even if no one says anything.
My lovelies saw that phrase in action and repeated it—because that’s what kids do. Nothing strange there. But my job is to help them understand the consequences of their thoughts and actions.
By talking about what they said, and how it made others feel (with a helpful sibling ready to offer real-time emotional feedback!), I can help them understand both their intention and the impact. I also want them to know that even if no one calls you out, they’ve noticed. And they will remember.
“Only joking!” is not a get-out clause for being unkind.
So what can our lovelies say if it happens to them?
“That’s not funny. It wasn’t a joke. And it made me feel hurt/angry/upset.”
That puts the discomfort back where it belongs.
I tell them to be calm, even when their insides are flipping. People who pick on others want a reaction. If you give them one, they often come back for more.
So stay calm. Non-confrontational. But always speak up. Let them know: “That’s not okay. I’m not putting up with it.”
And if it continues?
Say: “If you don’t stop, I’m going to play with someone else / go home / walk away / end the game.”
And follow through. Walk away.
Because being “friends” with someone who hurts you isn’t friendship. And while you’re hanging on to that person, you might be missing out on someone kinder.
I talk about all of this with my lovelies. We put both sides of the story on the table. We explore how words feel—when they’re said to us, and when we say them to others.
Because “Only joking!”?
No. You weren’t.
You were being quite horrible.
And it’s time we stopped pretending otherwise.
Emma
The Autistic. SENCo
♾️
Photo: Number 3 spent a lot of time doing handstands. It was a special movement focus he had for a while.
