Linda Smallbones Play Therapy and Counselling

01/06/2026

"It's that time of the year where sometimes we feel we're held together by a bit of tape and maybe a lick and a prayer. We're just hoping we can make it in one piece by the end of the term/project/deadline/struggle. It can look like we're held together, but really we're anything but. If you feel this way, know you're not alone."
Click to view a picture of my son's rugby boots held together by electrical tape 😆, and receive an invitation to what is going to be a lovely even this week!

Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen. My son's end of season rugby boots. He didn't complain or ask for new boots (Ok, maybe he asked once), he made a plan with electrical tape and this is how he held it together for his last two or three matches of the season.

26/05/2026

Come and join us next week for Scents of Serenity! This is going to be a gentle morning of learning and laughter (and eating cake!). A good mid-year time out.

If you are an employer of fabulous female colleagues who work incredibly hard, who are loyal and selfless, consider sponsoring their ticket give them a morning off to come and join us! Your R220 donation goes to Singakwenza and includes lovely goodies and prizes to be won!

https://www.quicket.co.za/events/375098-scents-of-serenity-with-singakwenza/ #/

13/05/2026

Scents of Serenity

A relaxing and practical ladies’ talk focused on simple ways to reduce stress and bring more calm into everyday life.

Nicola Aylward will share how scented essential oils can be used to ease stress and support wellbeing, while Linda Smallbones will guide us through the benefits of journalling as a gentle tool for reflection, clarity and calm.

Gather your bookclub, work colleagues, and friends and come and enjoy an inspiring time of learning, connection and encouragement.

R220 donation to Singakwenza includes an essential oil roller, tea, coffee and cake, and spot prizes.

Date: Thursday 4th June
Time: 10h00 - 12h00
Place: Garlington's Bistro

Limited spaces available. Book via Quicket on this link:
https://www.quicket.co.za/events/375098-scents-of-serenity-with-singakwenza/

07/05/2026

Less than 10 spots left for this event!

04/05/2026

Join us for the Singakwenza Padel FUN-draiser!

Grab your friends, bring your energy, and come enjoy an afternoon of padel, laughter, and connection, all in support of Singakwenza’s work with young children and caregivers.

Date: Friday 8th May
Time: 4–6pm
Venue: Victoria Country Club
Dress code: Colours of the rainbow
Cost: R200 donation to Singakwenza

Whether you’re a seasoned player or just keen to try something fun, this is for you. Expect good vibes, friendly competition, and a chance to make a real difference.

A cash bar is available and prizes for the best dressed. Spaces are limited, so come alone or get your team together and join us on the court!

Book on https://www.quicket.co.za/events/373547-singakwenza-padel-fun-draiser/

20/04/2026

Dear lovely people, Happy Monday morning. It is that time of year when I post photos of myself and the lovely Midmar Dam. These are not glamour shots - clearly, but thank you if you thought that. (just kidding!) These are logs of my training swims up to the 8 Charity Swim taking place in mid May. I will be swimming 8 Miles in the ocean for Singakwenza. Just 32 days to go!

This morning it felt a little tough to get out there, but I did it. The thought I had as I swam was that I can always do more than I think I can. I wanted to share that thought with you this Monday morning. Life is hard for many people right now. There is so much flux and change both worldwide and even locally. I confess I ended last week feeling the overwhelm. Anyone else feeling that?

So, here is my thought for going into this week. Even in the middle of the overwhelm, there is always one teeny tiny step you can take that can bring in a c***k of light, or ignite a flicker of hope. You don't have to solve a whole big problem. You don't even have to feel 100% less overwhelmed. You can just move into the tiny space where there is a little bit of energy available to you.

After swimming, I feel incredibly joyful. I don't always think about that before a swim when it feels hard to be there! But I chose to swim in spite of myself, I did more than I thought I could and I feel so much better for it.

If you're in overwhelm, I can't recommend highly enough the benefits of moving your body in whatever way brings you joy. And I bet, you can do more than you think you can.

10/04/2026

This is the first of a two-part article exploring what incongruence is, the different ways it shows up in relationships and how it impacts us. Today I am talking about fitting in versus belonging and expectations that create incongruence. But also, how being incongruent with ourselves is sometimes necessary for a time.

The Cambridge dictionary defines incongruence as the state of not being suitable, of not fitting well with something else. In Mathematics, incongruence means not corresponding or coinciding, such as when geometrical shapes do not align.

We can sense incongruence in our environment, when we perceive others are not aligning in their words and actions, and also be incongruent with ourselves, such as when we feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Incongruence in the environment
In recent years as I have been studying Synergetic Play Therapy with Lisa Dion, I have learned a lot about incongruence. Lisa talks about 4 threats to the brain, incongruence in the environment is one of them.

As Lisa Dion says, the brain is constantly scanning the environment; the physical environment, the people in the environment including our loved ones and strangers looking for cues of safety, and scanning for any perceived danger. The whole point of this is to ensure safety and survival. When the brain perceives that something is “off” when something just doesn’t make sense or add up, it registers this as a threat and puts the system into high alert; flight/fight. This is what Lisa Dion refers to as incongruence in the environment.

Examples of when we can perceive incongruence in the environment include when someone's words do not match their facial expressions or actions. Such as a "warm welcome" from someone who shows no warmth in their tone or their face. Someone saying "I'M FINE", when what they really look and sound like is angry.

Perceived incongruence in the environment can lead to a whole cascade of reactions within our nervous system and our behaviour in response, such as making decisions so that we can fit in even if this is not congruent with who we are.

Fitting in versus belonging
I recently watched Reality Check: Inside America’s Next Top Model on Netflix. Women who were on the show are interviewed 30 years later and recalling the compromises they made to stay on the show, to fit in (have the right “look”), in order to stay in the show, and ultimately to win America’s Next Top Model. All the women being interviewed 30 years later shared moments when they wish they had not compromised themselves for the show.

Fitting in is different to belonging.

“Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.” “If I have to be like you, I fit in. If I get to be me, I belong.”
Fitting in definitions according to Grade 8 youngsters (Source: Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown. 2021)

Changing things about ourselves in order to fit in creates incongruence within ourselves, we stop aligning with who we really are by compromising values or beliefs. We may end up fitting in, but it doesn't fit well with us.

The burden of expectations
Incongruence happens when other people tell you who you are supposed to be. When you’re made to live up to other people’s expectations of you, even when they don’t in any way align to your values and sense of who you are. Here are those "shoulds" popping up again!

As parents we need to be very careful about what expectations we place on our children. A family member of mine has friends who are forced to study medicine and law and are not at all allowed to pursue their passions, even on a social basis, because the expectation is for them to become a doctor/lawyer. Can you imagine the “square peg, round hole” situation these young people end up in if what they truly love is art, the outdoors or dream of working with children. Doing work that you are not suited to and may not even have aptitude for. This creates incongruence.

As so beautifully said by the Grade 8’s in Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, when articulating what it means to not measure up to parent's expectations:

“Not being good at the same things your parents were good at.”
“Your parents being embarrassed because you don’t have enough friends or you’re not an athlete or cheerleader.”
“When your parents don’t pay attention to your life.”
The purpose of incongruence
It should be noted that sometimes we need to be incongruent in order to survive. As I shared above, incongruence in the environment alerts us to potential danger. We need these alerts for feedback to let us knowwhat is safe/not safe and at times we make compensations to keep safe.

Teens do this really well, they act a certain way to feel that they belong to the pack because they don’t want to stand out at all. They can shut a part of themselves off for a while, in order to fit in socially. They need time to work out who they are and how they tick. They may create incongruence for themselves along the way as a natural part of their growth process. Almost like trying on different identities, values and personas until they get to a combination that fits and feels right.

Or, when someone is in a profession that causes them sadness or fear or even trauma, but they feel they have to maintain a tough exterior in order to survive the job. This can apply to people in the police services, or first responders of any kind. They learn that they can’t “be soft” or give in to their feelings because their toughness is part of their survival. Incongruence can serve a very real and adaptive purpose. Many people in this position develop a ‘work persona’ and a ‘social or home persona’ that helps them to cope.

Incongruence can feel like losing yourself or a part of yourself. It can feel like not being true to who you really are. Becoming congruent is a lifelong journey of self-discovery, aligning your outer life with the discoveries you make about who you are on the inside.

Next week I want to share some behaviours that create incongruence within us; gossip, lying, and secrets. Stay tuned for part two!

You can read this on lindasmallbones.com if you prefer (it has pictures!)

27/03/2026

Our beautiful world is in conflict and crisis. Many countries have been at war or in deep conflicts for years, this is not new. The Iran war is in its fourth week now, maybe feeling a little closer to home for many of us.

How we consume news and talk about the conflict around our kids matters.

UNICEF wrote a great article on how to talk to your child about conflict and war. I highly recommend giving it a read. https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/how-talk-your-children-about-conflict-and-war

And Parenting for Lifelong Health produced this free resource, see infographic.

17/03/2026

I highly recommend you follow The Digital Law Company - Emma Sadleir, to get truly up to date information and advice on online/social media safety.

14/03/2026

In my welcome to 2026 post, I wrote about my experience of reading John Mark Comer's "The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry." I got a huge amount out of it and started reading it all over again. I wanted to offer some thoughts on what anti-hurry could be.

We Have Hurry Sickness.
Something I have really noticed in recent weeks is when driving on the freeway is the number of drivers who are typing on their phone whilst driving. Honestly, this enrages me. We truly have hurry sickness - a sense of relentless urgency. Something feels that urgent to people that they have to type messages on their phone whilst driving on the highway. Something is deeply wrong with this picture.

The term "hurry sickness" was coined by two cardiologogists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman in the 1970s. They wrote a book called "Type A Behaviour and Your Heart." in 1974.

Hurry sickness was a term used to refer to people with Type A personalities who are driven by ambition to do more and achieve more and as fast as possible. By this definition most people in the world today are Type A personalities! This is not actually the case, but hurry sickness has certainly been caught by most of us as rushing and hussle has become our culture.

"Hurry sickness isn’t a diagnosable condition, but it encapsulates a set of behaviors and emotions — impatience, chronic rushing, and a constant sense of time scarcity — that can wreak havoc on a person’s physical and mental well-being."
Kandi Weins in Harvard Business Review. 13 January 2025.

Hurry sickness has become a culture most of us have imbibed.

I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone*, I suffer from hurry-sickness too unless I am very intentional in busy periods of life. I have a tendency to be fast-paced. And, somehow, when I examine my thoughts, I have told myself that if I work fast, I can achieve more. Or that working fast shows efficiency and effectiveness. (Lord knows in our country we wish more services would take on such an urgency!!) But it is not the whole answer. Fast-paced does not always equal "good work."

*Except if you're typing whilst driving, then I am pointing a finger to ask you to stop endangering lives.

The Up side of slowing Down
Writing this blog over the past 4 or 5 years has taught me that when I take time to mull over a topic, do some research, and write several drafts of a blog, the end result almost always seems to land better than a rushed job.

When something takes time, there are always things that will arise to distract and take one off course. Quality cannot be rushed.

When we have a lot to do and we rush everywhere at a harried pace, we can work our system into being 'stressed about being stressed' and go into complete panic and overwhelm. Rushing gives our system the feedback that "this is an emergency!!"

Simple things like walking slower. Pausing to stretch or take a breath. Not trying to do more than one thing at a time. Slowing down is anti-hurry.

Slowing down my pace helps me to engage my thinking brain more effectively, it gives me a chance to enter a more regulated state and work from a place of openness and creativity rather than pressure and stress.

I also learned from the time I was walking a child from his classroom to my playroom at the school I was based at at the time. I wrote about it in my post "Listening Pace" a couple of years ago. I felt an urgency to get kids to the playroom as quickly as possible so I don't lose time or waste parent's money!! Until I had the revelation that the walk was as much part of the whole session as actually being in the playroom, and that what kids sometimes chose to talk about was really important to pay attention to. The walk became an enjoyable part of the work and the relationship for me after this.

"Hurry and love are incompatible."
John Mark Comer.

Wow, read that again. And again. And again. Until it sinks in.

John Mark Comer also says "...love is painfully time-consuming. All parents know this, as do all lovers and most long-term friends."
We can't build solid, lasting relationships with anyone if we are constantly in a rush. This goes as much for our relationship with ourselves as it does with others.
For parents, if we are constantly in a rush we can't help but transfer some of that pressure onto our children.

Slow down where you can.
I'm not you, I don't know your unique life and circumstances. Slowing down when you have toddlers or pre-schoolers looks different to having a 10 or 16 year old. You may have a crazy-demanding job with relentless deadlines that require some rushing.

Whatever life circumstances you have, I recommend you take an inventory on how you spend the leisure time you do have. How much time do you really spend watching TV, or on social media? How much time do you allow yourself to have face-to-face interactions with loved ones? How much time are we simply using to distract ourselves, and how much are we spending on truly slowing down?

Watching TV and being on social media are not anti-hurry activities. They're entertainment for a while, nothing wrong with that in itself. But if we go between rush and hurry and mindless entertainment, we're generally numbing rather than actually slowing down to engage and refuel emotionally and mentally.

Good sleep, eating nutritious food in a leisurely way whenever you can, journalling, having a great conversation and exercise are all anti-hurry activities. And, funnily enough, these are also the types of activities recommended to combat anxiety and depression.

Maybe there's one tiny anti-hurry thing you can do to practice; walk a little slower, take a pause, write something in long hand rather than typing it up. Notice how making minor adjustments to slow down can make you feel.