07/10/2025
This heavy cloak of gloom lay over my shoulders for years. The smell of mould and rotting flesh made its way into my nostrils, burning down my throat. People’s ideas of who I should be — what I should look like, what I should and shouldn’t eat, how I should move my body, what I should wear, who I should love, how I should behave, and who I should become — were sewn deep into the very fabric that made up this cloak.
After years of struggle and decades of sifting through the opinions of every single person who passed through my life, I finally came to the grand realisation: this is not my garment to wear; I have completely outgrown it. The vastness of this sludgy monster has consumed me for so many years; it has held me tight in its grasp and refused to release me from its prison. Yet I have managed to step out into the light by focusing on the positive life I have built from my own blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes, if I look back for a second, it grips my wrist with its grimy paw and tries to pull me back in. The suffocating stench held me for a while and again I felt trapped. But this time I know that it is not my own entrapment but that of those around me.
They built or didn’t build their lives. They created or didn’t create what they wanted. Yet they are there, living or not living their path. They get to choose what they want, when they want it, and how they want to be. In the same breath, I choose — yes, choose — to walk away, to step out of the bubble of hopelessness, to step away from the suffocating cloud that has held me prisoner for so many years. I deserve my freedom from that. I deserve the love that I know I am able to reciprocate. I deserve the happiness, the joy, the success, the wealth, the friendships, and the appreciation — because I am me and because I did my work. I did things differently, following my own heart’s calling. Every single step was guided by an unseen force that beats within my veins. My soul has a voice of her own, and she sings so sweetly.
I am allowing myself the freedom to let go and let me — and also let go and let them. With no shame, no guilt, no more pain, no more suffering on my end for their decisions. I am living my life for me. For the first time in this life, I choose to say yes or I choose to say no, because I CAN. I am the one in charge, finally, after years of being held captive within this soiled garment of fear, shame, worry, and guilt.
I allow it to fall, soiled and damp, to the floor. I watch as it slides off my skin, leaving slight marks of residue where it fell away. It crumples onto the ground and almost looks alive as it squirms and squelches to its final resting place. I pour petrol over the top and light the flame. With glee, and only hope and love in my heart, I throw the flame onto the mass of pain, the pile of revolt — the burden that was not mine to carry.
A smile stretches across my face as the flames engulf the rotting garment. It crackles and sends sparks outward as it begins to take hold of the beast. I watch as the smoke that leaves the pile of unworthiness drifts up into the sky and is taken by the wind. I watch it be swept away and dissolve into the clouds. Releasing it into the universe, and with that wisp of smoke, I feel the tether that was binding it to me so tightly release. Like a gentle snap of the fingers, I let go. I let go of all expectation. I let go of all desire to please others. I let go of all need to fill a certain role that I was created to fill for others.
I fall back into a slump against a tree and cry. Warm tears pour down my hot cheeks as I allow myself to finally feel the freedom of my own being, existing within time and space solely by myself. Free of the heaviness of each and every person’s expectation of me. I am now just one soul surrounded by her own healing energy, bathing in her own vast lightness of being, connected intrinsically to the universe and all the power and gifts that it bestows.
I stand up and walk a few steps towards the lake on the crunchy gravel. The water is crystal clear and I can see the reflection of the blue sky on the surface. I dip my feet into the water and slowly walk in until I am chest-deep. The coolness sends gentle kisses of ice across my flesh. I am ready to be completely reborn, to be cleansed of the stench of that cloak and all that it symbolised in my life. I take a huge gasp of air before I pull my head below the surface.
I am completely submerged and allow the water to decontaminate me of any feelings of guilt, shame, expectation, and sorrow that may have burrowed into my cells or my subconscious mind. I wipe my hands over my skin; I run my fingers through my hair, ensuring every last grain has been removed from my being. I lie in the stillness of the water and allow it to support me as I float in this sensation of freedom, looking up into the vast heavens, knowing that everything I am and everything I want is up to me — and no one else.
I stand up out of the water and wipe the wetness of the lake and tears from my eyes. There is no more pain, no more expectation I need to live up to. I am left with pure, unbridled consciousness of who I am and what I am: me.
Tamsin💜💜💜
