Mindful-life

19/07/2020

Loss is a process that most experience with such ambivalence, it becomes overwhelming, to say the least. To say that grief is complicated, only serves as an injustice to the intensity of all that this entails. Due to each person’s process being so very unique, it results in a sense of isolation, for even though we can relate to each other’s losses, our own loss is exactly that, ours. Some losses take the form of death, and the finality thereof is excruciating. To know that there will never be that last shared moment, those words we still wanted to say, leaves us in a vacuum of sorts. Lost, alone, isolated, and at times impenetrable. What it takes to keep moving, often takes every ounce of energy that we can possibly muster, and the fact that life carries on as per usual is incomprehensible and may even seem surreal. For our process of bereavement is so very real, it can become all encompassing. On a cognitive level we get told that it will get better, but right now it does not feel possible. We need to learn to be gentle with ourselves, for the pain that we feel is a reflection of the depth of the relationship that we shared with the person that is no longer there.

Loss takes many forms, which includes losing people due to distance, unresolved conflict, and misunderstandings that created an avalanche of destruction, ultimately resulting in the relationship dissolving. There may be times where we cannot identify the origin, the starting point of when or why the breakdown occurred. How do we go back to fix this? How do we reach a point of acceptance that what we once shared, is no longer, and may never be? Those that can identify the possibility of loss before it occurs, are in the fortunate position to make the necessary changes, if they should choose to do so. It seems apparent that this will be a natural desire, and easy enough to follow through with, though this is often not the case. Every situation of loss needs to be addressed within its own right, and deserves the respect of what the process and inter-personal dynamics have come to be. Often, the devastation of witnessing the relationship deteriorate right in front of you elicits a strong sense of helplessness, leaving you feeling like a mere bystander, with no sense of agency.

Each process of loss needs to be awarded the necessary attention to give it the time and respect it deserves, for relationships often form the cornerstones of who we are, who we have come to be. To attempt to ignore the pain is unjust, and may be harmful in the long run. The power lies with you to work through all of these emotions, to gain a sense of understanding and allow you the space to grieve the loss, whatever that entails.

28/05/2019

When negativity overwhelms those close to us, we stand the risk of becoming consumed by trying our utmost to help, to lift the weight of those we love somehow. We try to motivate, encourage, and inspire, desperately attempting to persuade them that there is more to life. Our best efforts appear to be to no avail, however, as the cycle of negative thinking appears to override our seemingly feeble attempts. When and how do we differentiate between support and enmeshment, between being there when they need us, versus trying to do it for them? Being in that cycle yourself, of feeling overwhelmed, alone, and desperate, feeling as though all that can go wrong has and will go wrong in your life, is devastating enough. To be on the outside looking in, observing others’ lives and feeling as though they have it made; that things come so easy to them whilst you experience pain and suffering. Whilst in such an emotionally draining space, it may be hard to see that others have been trying. Trying to lift and reassure you that you can do this, to give you another perspective. This side is often overlooked, which in and of itself can be hurtful and harmful, albeit on another level. The need to help others can often override our own self-preservation, which increases the possibility of us becoming the very person we have been trying to save. It can be disheartening and demotivating, and it becomes crucial that we start to distinguish between the lives and choices of others, and our own. This does not mean that cannot care and support, that we should not offer words of motivation when the need arises. It does, however, mean that we need to discern, and focus on our own lives and how we choose to live it, for that is all we have actual control over.

Life is not happening TO you but happening FOR you. Everyone goes through a lot. All we have to do is choose to grow through it. Hi, it’s Jay! I'd love to ke...

09/10/2018

The impact of childhood experiences is a complex issue to explore, which is often underscored and undervalued. The following video clip explores it from a psychological as well as physiological angle, which will hopefully shed some light as it relates to not only how our own children are affected, but also what impact our own environment has had on our own development and current functioning.

Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds acros...

26/04/2018

“A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended”

Ian McEwan

The word vulnerability finds its origin in the Latin word “wound”, which is rather apt, considering that most of us sees it as a state of being open to injury, or at the very least, appearing as though we are. We feel exposed, susceptible to harm, defenseless. It is, however, a dichotomy that we face, for in order to protect ourselves, we develop defense mechanisms, in an attempt to safeguard our very essence. These methods of protection can take many forms, and even though we require these to a certain extent, they often result in alienating others. This could not only result in intricate dynamics in our interpersonal relationships, but can inhibit the one thing that we all strive for- Connection. For it is the authenticity in ourselves that serves to cultivate the connection between two people, and the absence of such could lead to a relationship basis of what we believe the other person needs or wants, as opposed to us offering them who we are. The hurt often arises from the struggle within, as we offer them glimpses of ourselves, yet if they fail to pick up on these clues, we feel betrayed and hurt, often rejected, which could exacerbate the cycle. Perhaps we need to learn how to share parts of true selves, instead of expecting others to just know when we need them, and why.

31/12/2017

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

A clear definition of what vulnerability encompasses evades us, for the most part. There is perhaps some underlying reason to this, as having to define the emotion would, by implication, require that we look at the way that we ourselves experience vulnerability. Some would view this as a weakness, being defenseless, and helpless. Others might view this emotion with judgment and shy away from expressing it, possibly out of fear of feeling exposed. Brené Brown demarcated vulnerability as the result of shame, fear, and ultimately our struggle for worthiness. However, she proceeded to explain that it is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, and love. For once we are authentic, we can allow others to see us for who we are, and not just who we think they want us to be. What was accentuated for me, is our tendency to numb not only vulnerability, but also other negative emotions, such as disappointment, hurt, and loss. What we do not seem to realise, is that we cannot selectively numb emotion. In essence, once we numb the unpleasant and challenging emotions, we inevitably numb the good ones. Affects such as love, gratitude, joy, and happiness are also dulled, and often depression or associated feelings emerge.

I have been asked on many occasions whether it is necessary to go back into childhood and relive the pain and suffering that many have endured in order to obtain healing. The answer is not a simple yes or no, though the emphasis for me is on how we narrate our past experiences, how we have come to understand the impact that they have had, in order to move toward a more holistic version of who we really are and who we are meant to be. There any numerous facets to these very important questions, but the core message is clear; The ability or willingness to embrace our own vulnerability is crucial, in order to obtain real connection, which represents the core of interconnectedness and a sense of belonging. Without this, we become isolated, and effectively recreate our own sense of rejection. This clip explains the intricacies in an accessible manner, and I hope that some might find it helpful.

http://www.ted.com Brené Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a dee...

24/11/2016

Our lives are often defined by the next level of success, we become motivated by milestones and deadlines, by promotions and rewards. External validation and recognition becomes our internal locus of measuring ourselves against our counterparts, and often, we fall short. At least, according to those that design these measures. The problem is, this system is designed to make us work even harder, to make us strive for more, though if we stop long enough and take the time to reflect, we often come to the conclusion that the sense of so-called self-worth is fleeting and transient in nature. Thus, we do not reach a stage of contentment, there is no time, for we need to gear ourselves for the next challenge, the next step toward “arriving”. And in the meantime, our children grow up, and inadvertently, they get forced into the same maze. Yes, there is a balance to obtain, though this in itself is often elusive. If we are lucky, we get to witness fragments of a balanced life from time to time, usually when we are too tired to keep going. It is unfortunate that life has become such a race, for in the moments that we become aware, present, mindful as it were, we are alive. In those moments that we manage to just BE with our children, to observe what seems like nonsensical play, or better yet, to play WITH them, we are truly connecting. We are communicating in their language, building relationships, cementing bonds. We are talking WITH them, not merely AT them. These moments are rare, and often passes us by without us being aware that they were even there, inviting us in. The same applies to our intimate relationships, whether this be with our partners, family, or friends, and even more so, with ourselves. We have been indoctrinated over the years to put others ahead of ourselves, all the while not taking note that the very core that defines us as individuals is wilting away. I am hoping that the following clip will make people think, to stop, take note, and FEEL.

A film I made last night based on my favourite quotes from Alan Watts about how the way of looking at your life as a journey can be the most destructive way....

22/06/2016

You need to find yourself. You need to be self-sufficient. Be more self-confident, self-reliant. These messages are, at best, ever contrasting with the overpowering message of the necessity of selflessness, giving of oneself in order to aid others. What is this self that is referred to so loosely? And which of these messages do we strive towards? If self-discovery is a destination, it would imply that we reach a stage of knowing, a point of being able to successfully create a persona of who we are, and be content with this.

This could, however, leave most of us with a sense of discontentment, of incompetence as it were. For we are malleable, constantly shifting. We are impacted by our environment, and more so, when we encounter others on our own journey. This might sound romantic, as though all of these interactions are meant to create positive changes, resulting in personal growth. But what if these encounters elicit hurt, anger, pain? These are a great deal more difficult to accept, yet often creates more awareness within us. It might challenge our views, our beliefs, of others, but most painfully, of ourselves. There it is again. Being stated so clearly, yet ever elusive. Though perhaps the tenuous nature of this struggle is exactly what keeps us going, for there is nothing as potentially soul destroying as stagnation.

29/03/2016

Questions are constant, a never ending flow of judgment, of not understanding. It is strange, how the purpose of questioning is to clarify, to ensure that we understand, yet how often do we not use it as a means of attack, passing our judgment as fact. There are many times when we get told to "live life", yet the boundaries within which we are instructed to do so are provided by the omnipresent "they". And yet we adhere to it, we bow down, crippled by the opinion of others. So questions are often used as weapons, words becoming our ammunition. Safety is an illusion, one we create for ourselves with the hope of making it a reality. Something we crave for, yet it is evasive. How do we expect others to create this for us, if we cannot create it for ourselves? Yes, it is a growing concern, as time has a way of teaching. The lessons learnt, however, are often not as pretty and tidy as we would like them to be, and we feel disillusioned by our realities, our hurt. Vowing to self-protect, to shield. Yet somehow there are those few who manage to infiltrate, to break down our carefully designed walls. Ambivalence is an inevitability. Do we want them there? Often not. But do we always have a choice?

26/08/2015

Depression. A word that most people think they understand, though the understanding of this cannot be viewed in a static sense. Rather, it should be seen as an evolving understanding, one that grows and develops with each person's unique experience. We often make the mistake to categorise someone, though how can we develop a linear definition for such a complex process? The following clip might resonate with some of my clients, or perhaps provide their significant others with insight. Or at the very least, challenge the way we view depression.

"The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment." In a talk equal parts eloquent and devastating, writer Andrew Solomon takes you to the darkest corners of his mind during the years he battled depression. That led him to…

20/04/2015

If there is one wish I often experience, it is that my clients will learn how to be more gentle with themselves, that people will realise the significance of human relationships and the impact that they have on others. Our emotional well-being is often set aside, as though somehow less important than our physical health. This clip explains it in a very accessible way, I can only hope that the intended messages comes across

We'll go to the doctor when we feel flu-ish or a nagging pain. So why don’t we see a health professional when we feel emotional pain: guilt, loss, loneliness? Too many of us deal with common psychological-health issues on our own, says Guy Winch. But we don’t have to. He makes a compelling case to p…

04/11/2014

Ambivalence. Dissonance. Incongruence. We convince ourselves that we need to strive to avoid these, in our relationships, in our lives, in ourselves. Many may pose the question: are we setting ourselves up for disappointment in believing that this is obtainable, or are we attempting to be a more authentic version of ourselves? This is, however, not necessarily mutually exclusive, as many of you will know. It is important to determine what it is that we are striving towards, should we come to the realisation that we need to make certain changes in the way that we engage with the world. It is true that our significant others may not know how to deal with such changes, and we ourselves might feel ill at ease at first. With the assumption that we were driven by an intrinsic need to change, to improve, to grow, it is safe to assume that as with any metamorphosis, some changes are painful. We might experience loss in the process, on a more abstract level, but in order to heal and become the person we were meant to be, we might need to reinvent ourselves. Such a need can be cultivated out of a desire to move closer to self-actualisation, though for some it often develops in response to a basic prerequisite for protecting ourselves from being hurt.

The struggle ensues when we are confronted by rejection or judgment whilst in the process of exploring our boundaries and the manner in which we become more congruent. People become accustomed to us acting in a particular way, and often they struggle to accept changes in these patterns within the system, and hence, the relationship. We are once again confronted with ambivalence, do we carry on with our journey of self-discovery and ultimately self-actualisation, or do we quit, and become what others expect; to not disrupt the status quo, but rather put on a façade and pretend, because that is what we are really good at. Will this be easier? For some, yes. We so often get socialised to please, yet somehow we lose ourselves in the process. But you cannot become “unaware”, and as soon as you have realised that there is more to life, that you deserve more, and that perhaps your sense of self-worth is intrinsically driven, not validated by those with ulterior motives, you owe it to yourself to try.

17/07/2014

In time, the ebb and flow of life – uncertain by design – drives us to a world inside ourselves where we are confronted by the reality of our humanness…

at times strong…powerful…dynamic

at times frail…uncertain…worn down

at times enraged…frustrated…captured

at times sad…solemn…alone

at times happy…playful…radiant

…so that in all your uniqueness you cannot deny the commonness of being a complex, interesting and integrated being, living your life filled with stories from the past and dreams for the future. You are part of this world, and in the way that you purposefully change things in your life, you too are changed by life happening around you, to you, part of you. It is in this reality of being in this world, living as a part of it, that one truth stands clear, whatever it holds, your life is now.