10/11/2019
A few months ago i wrote what i now believe to be my neverending reality, a sad and lonely endless cycle ... for what was supposed to be my way of an escape has become my prison in words seemed to be carved in stone
A moment in time...eternity in spirit* by Candice king in loving memory of Kiara-lee Coetzee Kiara's Haven DIPG Warrior
this “blog” was an attempt to offload, to try and manage or relive... an attempt to “accept” or “let go” of that what cannot be changed or controlled, to raise awareness and share my story, turns out to just ba a figment of my imagination thought of as chapter one of “after” yet nothing has changed..... there is no after..... its here, it is now, and always•
My intentions were not to seek empathy or attention, yet to lift the burden and try to feel better. For myself at least wilst crating awareness of DIPG -yet 6 months after my first “blog” and im more lost than ever..
Life has now returned to its “normal” routine..
work, house , kids, husband, cleaning, cooking, friends, events.... the 8-5 life so we can just survive month to month... pay check to pay check..
And we are expected to just.... fall back into it?
Without hesitation, without fear.. with no remorse this life drained me of my ambitions and admirations.
I am not OKY* yet i must wake up early, put on my make up and heels, smile and face the world without a tear * to be strong, fearless, to be a mother.. a wife... a woman* to raise, teach, nurture , love and still provide.
I cant anymore, I don’t want to anymore...i have tried, im still trying...
Everything seems so trivial... empty conversations and pointless relationships, rat race to accomplish nothing, the only thing in this entire world worth our time is time****
im not one to judge or criticize, I honestly believe we all have our own demons, yet some just do not have any idea of what you might be going through, yet the expectations are set*
I do not want to pretend to be “oky” the entire time just to accommodate your lifestyle..
I don’t want to be strong anymore.. im tiered, im broken, i miss my baby girl... and i need to be allowed to say it* even if i don’t act on it..
I need to be allowed to act out.. i don’t want to be sad anymore, i cant keep on crying, some days i cry literally form the morning to night without making a sound, to the point where my heart actually aches..... and im convinced it because we hide , and bottle, we shy away form showing pain and vulnerability.. its not healthy *
Who are you to tell anyone how to react to their situation? Everyone is different and so we all act and react differently..
I chose to be strong initially, because I believed it was expected of me...
Now its come to a point where i do not feel anymore.. im stuck in this and i need a way out..
Yes i miss my baby girl, yes it only been a year.. but im miserable.. in depressed, the only time im ever happy is in my car with very loud music driving way too fast...... then i feel.. i don’t know.. I suppose free? In control?
Have you ever tried to keep a relationship happy after facing something like this?
Its not easy... would u want to be with someone who is constantly depressed? Crying? Sad.m, “not in the mood”
I can tell u now that i am tiered of being tiered...
i want to lose my s**t so that i can function normally again...
I literally avoid home... coz it hurts too much, when im home i “need to be” need to cook , need to clean, need to... when I am around people i need to... at work... need to....NO*
I do not NEED to * I choose to try and act and function normally yet its costing my sanity *
-if this makes any sense at all.....?
I want to “be”
I want to feel what i am feeling, to be mad, to be sad and to scream or cry when needed to the extent that its needed....
Its almost a year now and till this day i have not probably mourned the loss of my own first born baby girl , no one went through this with me the way i did, i gave birth to kiara alone, I was there to see her pass.... alone*
And im still alone.....
A year has passed an i still smell her*
Hear her, see her* feel her* miss her , love her*
A year..... yet no distance....
I feel like maybe.... just maybe... i need to be alone away from work and home and people...., i need to reflect, so that i have the opportunity to know what im feeling or at least know what works as my coping mechanism...
Im not getting better...... this is not getting easier... and im scared...
Im losing my love, my will, my reason to want to..... i have 2 beautiful children still alive and healthy , their smiles are the only reason i still breathe *
For them i have to figure out how to beat this, how to stop being so miserable and depressed...
They deserve better, and me faking it and bottling everything up is obviously not working...
Someone ones told me that we do not have to pray for strength, as the Lord will not allow you face something you cannot handle alone...
Well today i pray that i find a way to get my true strength back* to take back my life.
Today I pray - To live again*
I pray for my soul to find peace as I believe kiara to have found*
I pray for all of u * every single one that screamed, shouted, mad, sad , depressed, loud, silent..... to every parent that ever lost a child i pray for your soul to to find peace*
Your restless soul longing for one more smile is not alone*
i walk with you tonight *
I pray we find................
