29/07/2025
What not to say at a time of loss 🩶
Grief is sacred. It's raw, personal, and profoundly different for every individual. In times of loss, we often feel helpless - unsure of what to say, desperate to offer comfort, to say something that might make it hurt less. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, our words can cause more harm than healing, especially when we speak from a place we don’t fully understand.
It’s important to remember: you cannot fully grasp the depth of another person’s pain. That doesn’t mean you can’t be present or supportive. But it does mean choosing your words carefully, with humility, compassion, and deep respect.
🪻What not to say ~
“I know how you feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, grief manifests differently for each person. Saying “I know how you feel” can unintentionally invalidate the uniqueness of someone else’s pain. Instead, try: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”
“They’re in a better place.”
This may be said with love and good intention, especially from a faith-based perspective. But in the moment of fresh loss, it may feel dismissive. The grieving person wants their loved one here, not in a better place.
“At least they lived a long life.” or “At least you had time to say goodbye.”
The phrase “at least” can come across as minimizing the depth of grief. Loss is painful regardless of age, time, or circumstance. Love doesn’t measure itself in years.
“Everything happens for a reason.”
In the face of tragedy, people often aren’t looking for reasons, they’re looking for understanding, for warmth, for space to feel the weight of what they’ve lost. Sometimes, there may be no reason for the loss of a loved one that makes sense.
“You need to be strong.”
This can create pressure and guilt. Grief isn’t weakness, it’s love with no place to go. Instead of urging strength, offer softness. Say: “It’s okay to feel broken. I’m here for you in the messiness of this.”
Sometimes, the best thing you can do is not say much at all. Your silent presence, a gentle touch, a shared tear, or a warm meal left on the doorstep can say more than any words ever could.
Walk softly... You don’t need to fix anything. You don’t need to find the right words. Just be there. Be real. Be patient.
With love, Mariandra 🤍
