20/01/2026
Some couples do not fight about big issues at first. They fight about tone, timing, and feeling unseen. One partner escalates because they feel alone and unheard. The other partner shuts down because conflict feels unsafe. Both are trying to protect themselves. Both end up more disconnected.
This is the pursue–withdraw cycle:
• The pursuer pushes for contact: more talk, more urgency, more intensity.
• The withdrawer protects: silence, defensiveness, logic, leaving the room.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. Then you start keeping score. You stop assuming goodwill. Even small topics feel dangerous.
Stress makes it worse. Work pressure, parenting strain, and family worries reduce your capacity. You become more sensitive to tone and less able to stay curious. Intimacy often gets pulled into the loop too. One partner needs tenderness to feel s*xual. The other needs s*x to feel close. If you try to solve that without safety, it turns into pressure and shame.
Here is the good news: thriving couples are not rupture-free. They are repair-capable.
In an anonymised Imago case, the turning point was structure. Imago Dialogue gave them a safe way to talk when emotions were high:
1) Mirror: “What I hear you saying is… Did I get that?”
2) Validate: “That makes sense because…”
3) Empathise: “I imagine you might feel…”
They stopped debating and started receiving. They learned to say “Can we slow down?” and “I need 10 minutes, then I will come back.” They practised daily appreciation so the relationship was not only about problems.
If you are stuck in this loop, do not wait until distance becomes normal. Read Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between, then book Imago Relationship Therapy (or join an Imago workshop) to learn the dialogue skills that restore rupture in connection.
One simple start: do a 10-minute dialogue once this week on a small topic. Keep sentences short, mirror accurately, validate, and add one empathy guess. Repair first, solve later.
read more https://imagorelationship.co.za/from-shutdown-to-safety-imago-dialogue/
