31/05/2025
🙌🏻🌱🌈
A Recipe--To Keep Your High-Strung Child (and you), From Getting Burned Out
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1) PRACTICE YOUR RECIPE
Practice de-escalation techniques and regulation skills, when everything is going WELL.
Practice during calm moments, things like:
stomping feet,
deep breathing,
sipping at a cold drink,
swaying side to side,
sitting on the ground,
closing or covering eyes,
tapping under the eyes
blowing invisible "bubbles"
squeezing a plush toy....
Consider getting a Self-Regulation Skills workbook, or an Interoception Workbook
but expect to CO-regulate with them, too.
That means YOU need to use a steady voice, and SHOW them what calm looks like (even if you are faking it to help them feel SAFE).
Don't wait until things fall apart.
Kids learn new skills, best, when they are already calm.
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2) WATCH FOR SIGNS OF BURNING
When they are encountering triggers, try to get AHEAD of the meltdown.
Intervene! Accomodate them! Help them feel safe!
That means removing or reducing sensory triggers.
It means staying aware of how your child perceives things, so you can adapt yourself to their needs.
If possible, let them opt out of activities that make them feel UNsafe.
And encourage them to use self-regulation techniques, WITH you.
Try to let go of "what others think."
Masking is not the priority. Safety is.
You are trying to keep them from getting BURNED.
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3) PREPARE TO IMPROVISE
Be prepared with tools to help distract them, and enable them to move forward.
Fidgets
Cold beverages
Weighted stuffed animals
Snacks
A change of clothes
A screen/media device
Crayons/paper
A portable camp stool
Pipecleaners
Silly Putty
A tennis ball to bounce
A book
Sometimes, getting a child to shift to feeling SAFE,
means giving them something they can feel in control of.
Or at least offering their brain a distraction to focus on.
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4) REDUCE and SIMMER
Reduce demands on them.
Speak less. Judge less. Be a force for CALM.
No matter how hyped up they get,
how anxious,
how angry
how much they yell...
YOU need to keep your responses low and slow.
You need to MODEL how to bring their "boiling-over psyche," down to a low simmer.
And that means distancing yourself emotionally from their meltdown...
because even if they take it OUT on you, it's not actually ABOUT you.
Remember, babies cry more for their moms than for anyone else.
It isn't because they hate their moms. It's the opposite.
Mom gets the brunt of the drama because baby feels safe falling apart, with mom.
And your child is counting on YOU to keep them safe when they are falling apart.... because with you, they can unmask their fears.
The insults aren't real. They don't hate you.
Their Executive Functioning just ISN'T working, and so confused emotions are boiling over and spilling out of the pan.
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5) CHILL
Don't choose this moment for a life lesson or a new skill.
De-escalate and distract. Get SAFE.
All life lessons, in depth discussions, and natural consequences you carry out to prevent future harm,
can come LATER,
when everyone has been calm for at LEAST a couple of hours,
and is in a PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY SAFE space.
Chill out. Let THEM chill out.
Remember you are on the same team.... The COOL team.
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6) PUT IT ALL TOGETHER
Once everyone has chilled, talk about the event, calmly.
Help your child label their feelings--
PHYSICAL as well as emotional.
(Remember, developing those Interoception skills helps kids get ahead of anger and anxiety. They need to know what anger FEELS like in their BODY)
Review what worked and what didn't.
Let your child be honest about what upset them, and try not to get offended.
Thank them for spending time, chatting with you about big feelings.
Keep them feeling safe. Resist the urge to make it too much, about you.
It is okay to express how their anger impacts you, but if an apology isn't offered, that needs to be okay.
They are likely feeling embarrassed, and keeping them open to communication, means NOT guilting them.
They aren't trying to cause trouble.
....And maybe DON'T announce what the natural consequences are going to be for their unsafe behaviors...
because consequences are different from punishments.
The goal of a consequence is to teach them how to be SAFE, not to make them feel bad--
So, if you plan on making them always hold your hand while walking through parking lots, because otherwise they run into traffic,
JUST DO IT WHEN IT COMES UP
Don't announce that they broke your trust,
Or tell them there is a "new rule" because they can't control themselves.
Keep explanations minimal, non emotional, and free of guilt/provocation.
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7) FILL YOUR CUP
Caring for a kid with frequent meltdowns, is exhausting.
Make sure you are
eating well,
getting sleep,
connecting with friends,
venting to someone who gets it,
and doing thingsthat make you happy.
You can't pour from an empty cup.
Fill your cup!
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8) ENJOY
Take pride in the fact that you are healing from generational trauma and preventing future trauma.
You are amazing!!
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Which one of these steps,
are you going to work on,
this month?
Remember--all practice is valuable.
Baby steps COUNT! And nobody is expecting perfection.
