23/04/2022
post
Read somewhere and edited by me. Since it resonates so deeply I have to share.
Years ago some deep reflection led me here...to the very place I pursue within my soul. That space of celebration for all I am.
Goodness knows this is a life-long journey and one I celebrate fully. A daily, even hourly checking in with myself to ensure I do not continue the trauma response...
Now I am grateful for...
THE INCREDIBLE JOY OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
There are many many people who have not and will never understand me,
agree with me,
or even like me.
Mothers. Fathers. Siblings and other family members. Bosses. Employees. Spiritual teachers. Therapists. Clients.
No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I changed, raged at them, contorted myself, learned all the magic of this world, and attempted to become exactly what they wanted and needed me to be. No matter how much I fawned and “people pleased”, they have never accepted me, loved me, approved of me, validated my path and life choices. They have never celebrated my successes with me, mourned with me, or even met me in deep love and intimacy.
Sadly, they never got to know me, the real me, the me that showed up. To them I always felt unseen, invalidated, misunderstood.
Realizing that they were living with their version of me, their image of me, their fantasy of me, a picture in their own minds, perhaps they will until they die, and nothing I could or can do, or not do, will change that. They believe what they believe and that is their truth.
I had exhausted myself, trying to get them to SEE me.
I tried “compassion”. I had been more and more agreeable and empathic and understanding. Giving gifts. Acts of service. Compliments. I had given endless amounts of time and energy to them. Working on myself. Being “available”. I had tried to be “good” for them. Agreeing with them when really I didn’t. Saying yes when I meant no. Saying no when I meant yes. Ignoring all of my own boundaries.
I had spent hours and hours trying to explain my position, my views, my path, opening and dissecting my beautifully precious heart. Listening deeply to them. Being open and empathic. Rephrasing, rewording, reconfiguring myself, trying all kinds of different tacks, trying to break through, trying to get them to see my heart.
I had clung to the hope that one day, one day, they will change.
“If they only got to know the real me!”
However,
No matter how hard I tried, and no matter how long I hoped and waited, they would not budge. They stayed fixed in their beliefs, judgements, narratives, opinions, behaviours. They may even have refused to self-reflect, look at themselves, or even consider the possibility of change.
Why won’t they change?
Is there something wrong with ME? How am I attracting this to me?
Is it MY fault that things are this way? AM I to blame for this lack of connection, closeness?
Should I try even harder to be understood, then? Be even kinder, more empathic, more understanding, nicer, more spiritual? I always thought that maybe if I offer them pure unconditional love, they would transform? Maybe if I became the best, most compassionate, most selfless, most [fill in the blank] person in the world, they will finally soften, and their love will flow effortlessly to me? It’s a beautiful dream.
At some point it becomes a nightmare.
One day I realized, I was fighting a losing battle. I was at war with reality. Without recognizing it, I was trying to manipulate and control how someone else feels, what they think, their values, their reality, their inner world. I was trying to “fix” them, in a sense, control their feelings and thoughts, alter their path, and it’s an impossibility.
By being honest with myself, the realisation hit that I was doing the same to myself too. The reality of how I was bullying myself to be what they needed me to be And suddenly I recognized and felt the exhaustion, resentment, anger, despair, even fear, underneath it all. Yes, the deep fear that I was not good/kind/caring enough.
I am powerless to change them. And I thank you...
Where does my power lie?
In presence. In being authentically myself. In the truth of my feelings and desires, however painful. In my courage and vulnerability to look within.
I discovered the lost child in me that just wanted to be loved, but was innocently looking in the wrong places externally, towards the wrong people. For as much as the inner child wants to be loved, it is scared of really being loved.
Sadly, as a result of childhood trauma, MY understanding of love was confused with abandonment, or enmeshment which is also a kind of abandonment, and either way, true intimacy was a threat.
There’s no chance of ever being seen, and so there’s no chance of ever being destroyed. It’s safe, and unsafe, all at the same time.
We long for God, and we fear God’s penetrating gaze.
Sadly there are so many people who have not seen me, even when I showed up authentically and fully. I realized they could not see me, especially if they do not see themselves.
I have even chosen partners who could not see me.
I realized I had not seen me, I had not celebrated me...
I'm sorry Jacqueline, thank you for your patience, please forgive me for ignoring you...I love you.
Thank God, in the end, I MET MYSELF, I showed up for me. I learned to love me.
I discovered my own wounding. And somewhere deep down, I always knew that love was not something I had to fight for, manipulate myself or others for, not something that had to be won, not something I ever needed to prove myself worthy of.
Intrinsically I just knew that I qualified. By virtue of my very breath and presence on this planet at this time, it meant I qualified, so I showed up for me And I thank you. No striving, pushing, proving and simply flowing fully...I AM a beautiful reflection of infinitely gorgeous LOVE
Thankfully I tired of trying to get water out of a dried-up well.
I found an infinite and holy well of love inside myself.
And I gravitate towards other wells that give water freely.
I open yourself to the sacred water of life.
It is such a relief to not have to prove myself anymore. To anyone. to
I don’t have to be liked. Others don’t have to agree with me. They are free to judge me, tell stories about me, distrust me and my motivations, or ignore me completely. I simply shake the dust of my feet and depart with a heart of gratitude and a loud Thank you and BLESS YOU.
And I am free. I am free to engage or walk away. Thankfully I am free to love them, AND find myself moving away from them. Or not. I am free to speak MY truth, or not. To set boundaries, lovingly, clearly.
I am free to be ME, to prioritise self-love and to let myself be loved and seen by others who actually do have the capacity to truly love me, and see me. To find true friends, true family, those who actually want me. To discover my true place on this Earth.
When others don’t want ME as I am, they are giving ME a wonderful gift: the freedom of myself. It was for freedom that I was set free, no longer bondaged to the yolk of slavery. ...I AM FREE
I could only discover this, when I was and am willing to go deep into the depths of my own beautiful heart. Dig deep to the files and renew my mind. Whilst gifting myself with lived love ❤
Thank you Foster for the incredibly well written base piece which informed the renewed manifesto of love for my life Jacqueline Tamri - Life Coach, Speaker, Presenter & ETDP SETA facilitator it was the perfect inspiration to my day.
Before we can go out to serve or blame, we ought to look inward, check ourselves and gift ourselves with healing.
(www.lifewithoutacentre.com)
