06/06/2023
Messages From Our Younger Selves
When unpleasant things happened to me when I was younger, my younger self diligently recorded the details of the event so that if I ever found myself in a situation even remotely similar, she could warn me that something toxic was near.
As I amassed more upsets, I amassed younger selves that stood on guard in the background of my life to protect me.
The problem is, that although these younger selves meant well, they didn’t have very many skills to be spokespeople for themselves.
These younger selves were powerless in the face of any problem that a more experienced person might have been able to solve using their words, boundaries and curiosity.
It’s easy to listen to the warnings of younger voices inside. And sometimes, they’re priceless as warnings, “Wait. Stop. That person/situation reminds me of such and such. Let’s wait and see here.”
But sometimes, the fears of our younger selves can prevent the very kinds of meaningful connections that our younger selves had wanted in the first place. And that ultimate longing for being understood gets lost, like in a game of telephone.
What might have begun as, “I wish someone would love and understand me,” turns into, “People are awful and nobody can be counted on.”
Instead of taking chances in the world, these younger selves remind our present self, with evidence from the past, all the reasons to stay safe and not follow through with plans or goals to express and share who we are, just to avoid the painful reactions we received from the past.
So what is a person in this situation to do?
Well, what I decided to try was to switch the direction of all those messages.
And I did this by speaking as my present self, as someone who was beginning to realize that I had a lot of love to give, and that I was actually worth receiving this love.
And I then began sending these messages of love back to my younger selves, to let them know that help had arrived: That I was here. Here for them. Available at last to listen to and reflect all the concerns they’d been wanting to share.
And as I began spending time with my younger selves and understanding where their upsets had come from, I began to turn into someone I could trust—someone I could count on to be here for myself, instead of someone who was always on the run, avoiding myself.
And from this space, I began to take baby steps out into the world to practice sharing and connecting with other people, not as someone who desperately needed to be taken care, but as someone who was capable of taking care of herself.
Someone who was learning how to communicate-to-be-understood instead of chameleonizing myself; and learning how to creating boundaries instead of feeling obligated to muscle through toxic situations that made me feel uncomfortable and drained.
It makes sense to protect ourselves. The world can be harsh and it can be dangerous. But if all we’re doing is protecting ourselves, our experience of ourselves and our view of the world can become so limited and isolated.
And how sad it would be, to live our entire lives without getting to experience what it’s like to connect with other people and be known as the most authentic version of ourselves.
-JLK
