Tune Your Relationship

26/09/2024

How quickly do people move on after a relationship has ended?

I think for most of us, it takes a long while to even accept the ending. In my recovery after divorce group there is a huge variety of ways that people move on - some just cant wait to get into another relationship, some people take several years to work out who they are by themselves. From running this group for 10 years, I have seen so many people (even after 10 years) acknowledge that the break down of their primary love relationship DOES actually need active working through. That's the work I've done as a facilitator of that group but also use those skills when I'm helping therapy clients work through breakdown of a relationship. Particularly difficult when there's been an infidelity and the person you thought you knew is not that person after all.

My website tuneyourrelationship.com.au has a list of the courses I run.

As the WellDoing article talks about; it is actually not that realistic to stay friends with an ex - for most people.
"The extent of the loss is not always known at the outset when the relationship ends. Relationship loss is the obvious one, but the less obvious ones can include things like plans, hopes, dreams, etc. that you had shared. Understanding the extent of the loss and the different sides to it takes time, as does coming to terms with it and then regrouping to start a different life.

You may not initially want to believe that the relationship has ended. As you progress to the next stage, there will be anger and sadness. You or your partner may even try and think of different ways that you could make the relationship work. The sadness of the relationship ending will eventually settle in. There may be tears and feeling down. Depending on your ability to cope with loss, the circumstances of the relationship ending, and a range of other factors, you eventually start to accept that the relationship is now over, and it is time to move on.
Given the history of the intimacy in the relationship, it is also possible that one of you is still in love with the other and may not want to let go and that this may be the reason that you want to keep them a part of your life. The “friendship” you want to keep in this case may be an excuse for keeping the relationship."
https://welldoing.org/article/is-it-possible-to-stay-friends-with-your-ex?utm_source=Welldoing.org+weekly+newsletter+recipients&utm_campaign=570d5153af-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_09_25_11_13&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_-570d5153af-%5BLIST_EMAIL_ID%5D

Even after an amicable breakup, it's not common to stay friends with an ex. Therapist Gurpreet Singh explores the importance of setting new, healthy boundaries for success in this new version of your relationship

02/06/2023

Some good thoughts around emotional intelligence with a very young Paul Newman! 😊

10/11/2022

I have said before that 'Tune your relationship' is as much about understanding and accepting the relationship with oneself as it is about others. This therapist Julia Bueno writes about the rising level of self attack that people are bringing into the therapy room and she has been practicing for 2 decades! I particularly like her phrase - about the pressure to prove ourselves - and how that contributes to the built up self as an external construct.
She goes on to talk about William Storr who has written about the 'selfie in Western society' "describes the ideal that we are encouraged to aspire to as an ‘extroverted, slim, beautiful, individualistic, optimistic, hard-working, socially aware yet high-self-esteeming global citizen with entrepreneurial guile and a selfie camera’. I would add more qualities to this list: wealthy, well-travelled, nutrition-conscious, youthful, maternal/paternal and eco-conscious. These paragons are omnipresent – and normalised – in our parallel virtual worlds, and the dangerously distorting social media platforms operating in them. This double whammy of self-criticism – criticising your self-critic – is more prone to happen in a culture that emphasises striving, happiness and wellness like we do. Clients have often reported thoughts to me along the lines of ‘I know I shouldn’t be so unhappy, it’s ridiculous. I have a good job, lots of friends, I do loads of yoga and breathing exercises’. "

https://welldoing.org/article/why-is-everyone-such-a-harsh-self-critic?utm_source=Welldoing.org+weekly+newsletter+recipients&utm_campaign=059f5732b4-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2022_10_05_12_53&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_2af528cb38-059f5732b4-301314717

30/10/2022

This is something people always puzzle about - why they keep thinking about someone who they briefly dated.... Wendy Bristow puts it well in this article saying there are 5 possible reasons..
1) This person represented an ideal
2) It's the climax of a painful theme
3) You’re in your late twenties or 30s and everyone else is pairing up
4) He/she mirrors someone from your past
5) You’re unconsciously perpetuating the heartbreak
" ‘Why?’ can be a persecutory question. Self-awareness is a wonderful thing and it’s always crucial to think about what’s going on with you. But you can drive yourself mad with ‘why’ – as in he/she’s not worth the bother so why do I still feel so sad? Maybe on paper – to friends and family perhaps – what you had wasn’t worth the emotional energy it’s taking. But if you can’t get past it you can’t get past it. Something’s going on.
Whenever your conscious mind is asking ‘why?’ yet you still find yourself listening to that ‘Heartbreak’ Spotify playlist you made or feel a horrible pang when that name falls innocently into conversation, then what’s going on is probably unconscious.
In the early 20th century the father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud stated that our thoughts, impulses, desires and behaviours can be governed by forces that are beyond conscious control. Now neuroscience backs him up. Nobel-winning neuroscientist Eric Kandel states in his 2012 book The Age Of Insight ‘most of our mental life, including our emotional life, is unconscious at any given moment’.One of the characteristics of the unconscious, said Freud, is that it allows contradictory ideas to exist side by side. Like, ‘That was just four dates with a total loser’ and ‘He/she was the love of my life’.
https://welldoing.org/article/why-cant-i-stop-thinking-about-someone-barely-dated?utm_source=Welldoing.org+weekly+newsletter+recipients&utm_campaign=96f247ae28-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2022_10_12_10_04&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_2af528cb38-96f247ae28-3013147171

17/07/2022

Quick ways to reconnect as a couple :-)
1. Get physical.
Go for a long bear hug, a cuddle session on the couch, hold hands, make eye contact, or try something spicier if the mood strikes. Physical affection can help you both relax and focus on being present and in the moment.

2. Dance to your favorite song(s).
Put on a song from your wedding, a throwback playlist that gets the nostalgia flowing, or jam out together to a concert favorite. Whatever you choose, forget everything else for a few minutes and just have fun.

3. Share a snack.
Fix up your favorite treat together or take turns making something for each other. Then sit down and savor it together, enjoying each other’s company in the process.

4. Make each other laugh.
Get goofy and go out of your way to crack each other up. Add an extra twist by seeing how long you can go without laughing – which, let’s be real, usually makes everything funnier. Laughter gets the endorphins flowing, and having fun together sparks your sense of connection.

5. Take a power walk.
Sneak away on a quick stroll around the block or neighborhood. Enjoy some fresh air as you chat about whatever is on your mind or share about your day.

6. Have a daily check-in.
This is a simple way to incorporate a quick reconnect into your everyday routine. Whether, it’s right after the kids are in bed or over your morning coffee, figure out a time that works for you so that you can be consistent.

7. Share a memory.
Start off a conversation with, “Remember when…” Whether you recall a funny memory or a sentimental one, reminiscing helps you connect over shared experiences.

8. Pray together.
Praying together is a simple yet intimate way feel more emotionally connected and better able to to work through conflicts. Consider adding it to your daily check in if that’s your style.

9. FaceTime each other.
Whether one of you is out of town, or you just want a pick-me-up in the middle of the day, do a quick FaceTime or video call. Seeing each other’s face allows you to pick up nonverbal communication that texting just doesn’t deliver.

10. Give each other a compliment.
Offering up some praise that’s specific and from the heart shows that you truly see and appreciate each other, even when life feels hectic.

Staying connected is crucial to maintaining a vitalized relationship. While it does take intention, it doesn’t have to take up hours every day (unless you want it to!) Consider using these quick ways to connect when time is limited.

03/07/2022

The privilege of being a Couples Counsellor and the conclusion that each relationship needs to be nurtured!

This article really resonated for me as it is indeed a privilege to listen to people talking about their relationship. This therapist Priya Tourkow discusses how she moved into couple counselling and this particular section of her article mirrors very much what I do in a session with couples:

"Close relationships are renowned for triggering old patterns of fear, passivity, rage or anxiety to name just a few. .... When I begin to explore what is going on with this couple sitting in front of me, I have lots of questions in my mind, in no particular order:

What is their communication like? Do they listen or interrupt one another?
How do they organise the practicalities of life together? Is one doing most of the tasks?
Can they tell each other what they are feeling, or do they project onto or blame the other one?
Do they openly appreciate one another or are they over critical?
Are they made up of two adults or is one more of a “parent” and the other the “child?”
Are they affectionate with one another? Is emotional and physical intimacy present in their relationship? Do they both create this?
Are they empathic, kind, caring, supportive and basically interested in one another?
What happens when they disagree?
Is one of them a “victim” and the other a “persecutor?”
Are they able to talk openly about intimacy and s*x?

My main approach is to support the couple to “encounter” each other as fully as possible in the sessions.

I get them talking together face to face (and far less to me) about what’s going on between them: what hurts, what is good, what they want more of, or less of, and so on. I ask them to slow down their dialogues, as couples often communicate very fast and are not totally engaged. I coach them in listening to each other with focussed attention and affirming what they are hearing. This fully engages them with one another and creates feelings of connection, closeness and empathy. This doesn’t necessarily happen as easily and gently as it may sound. Sometimes they get triggered by each other in all sorts of ways. We look together at all of this, finding out what the triggers are about and where they come from.

We often go deep, through layers not previously addressed. Many couples tell me, regretfully, they have never really heard each other like this before. It’s as if a new territory of possibility starts to open up for them.....

I help them see that the process happening between them is much more valuable than getting stuck in the content. They gradually learn to speak to one another about their own feelings, the recurring sadness or pain or anger from a place of wanting to make sense of it for themselves, rather than blame the other person. They gain a personal language to share with one another, which can release a new communication style for them both. Arguments hold less power then."

Couples therapist Priya Tourkow shares what questions she asks herself about the couple sitting in front of her, to help her understand their challenges

21/04/2022

When was the last time you were kind towards someone else? Research shows that in fact our acts of kindness impact how we feel as well as the brain health of the family!

Teaching children to be kind and practicing kindness at home improves a parent's resilience and a child's empathy.