Sensibly Speaking

16/10/2025

Not sure if I should laugh or cry…
Maybe a bit of both…

One thing is for sure: both parents and providers can relate to this one!
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16/10/2025

Some beautiful and encouraging feedback from a Growth Group Leader that attended a mini workshop I presented at a leaders’ meeting a few weeks ago…

Grateful for a group of leaders who were eager and open to reframe thinking and reflect on steps forward.

Step-by-step supporting clients and their communities to be more curious and purposeful in creating spaces for meaningful interaction and connection.

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16/10/2025

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11/10/2025

For all my PDA-Mums & Dads…
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Parents are often told to praise their children. ‘Catch them behaving well!’ they’re told. ‘Tell them how proud you are of their good choices!’.
It sounds innocuous – who could argue with praise? Positive, reinforcing, feel-good – surely an all-round nice thing?
So it’s a mystery to parents when children come along whose response to praise is the opposite to what they expected.
‘Well done!’ the parents say and ‘I’m not doing it anymore’ say the children.
The parents then sometimes increase the praise or even add physical rewards, stickers or certificates – and that’s enough to entrench the child in their position. Previously enjoyed activities are abandoned, never to be picked up again.
What’s going on? All the books say that children want to please their parents and that praise encourages them – but they rarely talk about those for whom it doesn’t work. They assume that praise has no downside. But some children are super-sensitive to control – and they have noticed what many of us never see.

Praise can be another way to control children.

Just as much as punishments, praise can be used to manipulate. Praise shifts the emphasis from the child doing something for their own purposes, to the child doing something to please adults. It introduces evaluation – why is this picture worth of praise, whilst the last picture wasn’t? Why do they get praised for their piano practice, but not for practicing their skills on Geometry Dash?

For some children, that’s enough to taint the activity. It’s no longer something they can just enjoy, it’s something that adults want them to do well at and that the adults are assessing. And it brings in anxiety – what if their next effort doesn’t get a ‘Good job’? What then? What will that mean about them?

What do you do when your child responds very badly to mainstream parenting methods - do you have have to do nothing and accept it? As always, Eliza Fricker (Missing The Mark) and I are informal and chatty but be based on psychological insight, personal experience and theory. All the Low Demand Parenting talks are on sale until Sunday.

https://courses.naomifisher.co.uk/art-of-low-demand-parenting

Illustration from The Naughty Step, published by Jessica Kingsley 2024.

11/10/2025

Let’s talk about resilience. People often say that without strict compliance, kids will never learn to be resilient. That they won’t learn to be “tough.” They won’t be prepared for the “real world"

Compliance says: “Kids only build resilience when we’re strict. Shape the behavior, control the outcome.”

But here’s the bigger problem: Conforming to adults

Out of fear of public shaming (clipping down on the class behavior chart)…
Because it’s the only way to access things you enjoy (earning recess only if you please an adult)…

Because you’ve learned your feelings aren’t safe to show (masking your discomfort just to avoid punishment)…

That’s not resilience. That’s teaching kids to override their internal experience, to silence their needs, and to prioritize pleasing others at the expense of themselves.

That is an unhealthy way to live, and it does not build resilience at all.

Real resilience isn’t forged in compliance; it’s rooted in connection.
Connection with your own body.
Connection with trusted adults who help you bounce back from hard things because they stay close, curious, and supportive.

With an interoception approach, we don’t take away challenges. We walk with kids through them. Helping them notice what’s hard, explore why it feels hard, and discover what helps.

It means we can hold steady boundaries with curiosity and validation.


Image Description: Yellow Tile w/ teal border that says: People often say that without strict compliance, kids will never learn to be resilient. That they won’t learn to be “tough.” They won’t be prepared for the “real world”...But that’s simply not true (Read caption for explanation)

07/10/2025

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04/10/2025

Oldie but goodie…
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01/10/2025

Beautifully explained!
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💬 Declarative Language in Action 💬

One of the most powerful shifts we can make as parents of PDAers is moving from questions and commands ➡️ to declarative language.

Why? Because direct questions and instructions often feel like demands, triggering anxiety or shutdown. Declarative language, on the other hand, shares information, invites curiosity, and creates safety.

Here are some simple swaps you can try at home:

❌ “What do you want for breakfast?”
✅ “I’m thinking toast sounds good, I might make a few slices.”

❌ “Can you put your shoes on now?”
✅ “I think I saw your shoes at the door earlier.”

❌ “Do you want to do your homework?”
✅ “Oh I wonder what this is about (as looking at worksheet)”

❌ “Why are you upset?”
✅ “I can see this feels really big right now. I’m right here with you.”

🌱 The difference?

Declarative language removes pressure.

It shifts the dynamic from compliance ➡️ collaboration.

It communicates safety, empathy, and respect for autonomy.

Small language changes can transform how our PDAers experience us, not as demand makers, but as trusted partners.

30/09/2025

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30/09/2025

Preach!!
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28/09/2025

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