Monica Romeo - The Unconventional Therapist

10/05/2025

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Clarity doesn’t come from reacting.

It comes from stillness.

04/01/2025

We know that Eating Wisely contributes to Thriving ...and yet can be hard to do, and sustain
Check out upcoming research based course offered by friend and psychologist Flavia.

17/12/2024

In my soon to be released eBook When Will power is not enough: Practical Strategies to Thrive through Stress, Life Transitions and Unresolved Past Trauma (pm me with your email if you want to be personally notified when it is available as an ebook), I discuss the importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries. This is one of the 9 Super Skills, that I have found will help people to thrive, not just survive.

Setting healthy boundaries becomes even more important as we enter the Christmas holiday period, a time where expectations and pressure, combine to cause us extra stress.

Effective, healthy boundaries are not rigid or too lax. They are clear, and respect you and others. We can sometimes struggle to set healthy boundaries due to past trauma, a fear of conflict or unhealthy patterns like people-pleasing.

As Brene Brown says, having healthy boundaries is simply knowing what is ok for you and what isn’t and communicating that in a way that others can hear and understand. It is not looking after yourself at the expense of others, but nor is it ignoring your needs to only meet the needs of others.

All boundaries are about creating a sense of safety and certainty, which is why breaching our own or someone else’s boundaries can be so impactful.

To transform from unhealthy to healthy boundary-setting requires self-awareness, consistent communication, and the ability to adapt to changing circumstances, but the benefits are significant, as they protect your well-being, and foster mutual respect and trust in relationships.

Setting a healthy boundary usually starts with a courageous conversation with a friend, colleague or family member that outlines what you are struggling with, and expresses your desire for a mutually beneficial outcome, and also express what your limitations are.

An unhealthy boundary looks like

1. Overcommitment: Saying yes to everything, even when it leads to stress or burnout.
2. Lack of Assertiveness: Struggling to express your needs and feelings clearly and confidently.
3. Dependence: Relying too much on others for approval, validation, or decision-making.
4. Invasion of Privacy: Allowing others to intrude on your personal space or time without consent.
5. Emotional Manipulation: Letting others guilt-trip you or manipulate your emotions to get their way.
6. People-Pleasing: Prioritizing others' needs and desires over your own consistently.
7. Resentment: Feeling resentful because you give more than you receive or feel taken advantage of.
8. Blurry Lines: Having unclear expectations or roles in relationships or at work, leading to confusion and conflicts.
You can establish a healthy boundary by
1. Identifying Your Limits:
o Reflect on what makes you uncomfortable or stressed.
o Recognize your emotional, mental, and physical limits.
2. Communicating Clearly:
o Use 'I' statements to express your needs and feelings.
o Be honest and assertive without being aggressive.
3. Being Consistent:
o Stick to your boundaries consistently to reinforce them.
o Avoid mixed signals that can confuse others.
4. Respecting Yourself:
o Prioritize self-care and ensure your needs are met.
o Understand that setting boundaries is a form of self-respect.
5. Recognizing Your Rights:
o You have the right to say no without feeling guilty.
o You are entitled to your own time, space, and privacy.

If you want to explore bundaries further, the following resources might help.

1. Books:
o Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
o Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
o Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
2. TED Talks:
o The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown
o The Art of Being Yourself by Caroline McHugh
o Why We All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch
3. Evidence-based Strategies:
o Journalling to reflect and establish personal boundary limits and experiences.
o Mindfulness practices to enhance self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
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Some Specific strategises to help set healthy boundaries over the festive season

1. What is important to you? Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and are your priorities over the festive season. Consider what kind of experiences and traditions align with your values and focus your energy on doing those things and invite others to join you. This will help you to set boundaries and use you time and energy meaningfully.

2. Practice Saying No: It's important to acknowledge that saying no to an invitation or request which doesn’t align with your priorities or feels overwhelming, in a gentle and firm way, is not easy, and it is saying Yes, to a part of you that needs to be heard. You can express appreciation for being invited even if you choose not to attend.

3. Communicate Clearly and in a timely way: Let people know your commitments and limitations in advance, if you can. If you decide or need to leave an event early or can’t attend for example, communicate this clearly and respectfully so you can help to manage expectations and reduce pressure on yourself.

4. Set Financial Boundaries: by establishing a budget for gifts, and other expenses during this time, and suggest cost-effective celebrations, that focus on experience rather than gift giving.

5. Schedule some self -care and me time, by ensuing you build in some time for rest and relaxation. Set aside even breif periods every day where you can breathe, unwind and recharge, to maintain your energy and positive mood.

6. Limit Social Media Consumption: reduce unnecessary stress and comparison by limiting social media usage. Allocate times to check messages or take a a social media break for a few days to focus on being present to the people you are spending time with.

7. Practice Mindfulness by switching from thinking to sensing during everyday activities like showering, eating or walking to help you stay grounded, maintain emotional balance and respond calmly when challenges arise.

8. Seek support: Consider asking a trusted friend to be an accountability buddy. Offer each other mutual support to maintain healthy personal boundaries.

These simple strategies will help you preare for and able to navigate the holiday period with greater ease and sense of control.

Wishing you all a peaceful and joyful festive season. !

04/01/2024

Thriving tip …Do something new
With the sound of traffic rumbling across the bridge above me, I smile when I see the unique art gallery below .. it’s been on my “want to do” list for a while and this morning I decided to brave the cycle path and go exploring
A couple of fishermen try their luck in the river, while I wander around wondering at the stories behind the art …love these little adventures

21/12/2023

2023 The year of Joy

It’s that time of the year, when I start thinking about choosing my new word for next year.

Joy has served me well in 2023.

It will soon join inspire, abundance, freedom, love and gratitude, some of the recent words that I have chosen to explore and live more deeply.

Her time in the spotlight may be over, but Joy will be forever part of the energy that I will gravitate to when I notice that I am out of thriving mode.

Having Joy as my word for this year has really helped me to notice moments worth celebrating even during tough times; w***y wagtails shaking their tail feathers, (guaranteed to make me smile no matter what is going on) the beauty of nature heralding a new day or a sunset that stops me in my tracks and fills me with pleasure, the indescribable perfection and smell of a new born baby, or the blossoms of a flowering rosebush that fill me with delight, and the unexpected message of love and validation from a dear friend when I need it most, that touches my heart and fills me with profound gratitude.

There has been so much joy this year; in the precious moments of connection dancing tango and kizomba, in the taste of delicious food, in the moment that an airplane takes off and I am heading off on another adventure, in the sound and feel of laughter with a good friend, in the moment I complete an important task, in that special hug from someone I love, in the excitement of new possibilities and the knowledge that I have helped to minimize someone’s suffering.

Looking for and noticing moments of joy, has not brought world peace, but it has helped contribute to my inner peace and indirectly to world peace, because I have shown up as my best self, even in stressful situations. It has helped me shift out of victim or survival mode into thriving, time and time again.

Feeling joy even in in the midst of pain does not minimize or betray a sh*tty truth or invalidate the reason you are hurting deeply, but it does invite you to expand your capacity to experience what it means to be fully human;

-to say yes to what is
-to be able to embrace paradox, nuance and uncertainty, -
to look for the AND, when you are stuck in either/or and
-to honour and integrate everything that you are experiencing.

This is what being fully alive means to me.

In this way, joy creates resilience and growth from the lived experience of feeling temporarily broken and yet still being able to rise.

Words have impact.

Think about something that someone said or that you thought, that changed your mood significantly, either in a positive or negative way.

Having a word for the year, acts as a kind of internal GPS, that you can use often, throughout the whole year, to help you reset when you feel stuck, unmotivated or lost.

And it can help you to be mindful and present to what is actually happening, reminding you to celebrate and savour moments that are going well, too.

Quantum physics (the study of matter and energy at the most fundamental level) confirms what ancients have long attested; that everything is energy including human beings, and we can impact on others by the energy we bring to a situation and be impacted on by the energy that is around us.

I am talking about energy here in a very practical way.

Think of someone you know who is often negative or critical, and how you feel when you are around them. Now think of someone you know who is usually positive and upbeat. Do you feel differently in each person’s company?

Imagine being able to choose the energy you bring into a situation, regardless of the circumstances.

Choosing a word for the year can help you do that, and also influence those around you.

Unlike NYE resolutions which usually don’t work *
choosing a word for each year is a ritual that you can share with others, and it can bring many benefits.

*According to research, for the vast majority of people, resolutions made at New Year doesn’t usually work or translate to sustainable changes in behavior in the long term as they rarely last beyond the first month.

If you are someone for whom NYE resolutions work, by all means keep making them, but if you want to start a new tradition that can help you navigate difficult times, savour good ones, and show up as a better version of yourself, I invite you to consider choosing a word for the year instead.

Sometimes a word will just pop up automatically. Other times it takes a while, and you might need to play with a few possibilities until one kind of chooses itself.

Technically you can choose a word for the year at any time, but I like to start the new year ready with my new word. It inspires me to start a new chapter, ensuring that any baggage from the past, is not brought into the future.

So, I’m thinking about 2024, what I am hoping to experience, the adventures that I am planning and the challenges that it might bring, and what energy would help me the most.

It will be a significant birthday, an age that some other people are already enjoying in retirement.

Up until a few years ago I felt really strong physically, was rarely sick, and when I was, I bounced back easily, but lately for the first time in my life I have had a few injuries and been sick a few times, and even felt very alone. For the first time, I have felt physically vulnerable.

I also have friends around me that have and are facing serious health challenges, and I am aware that I can’t take anything for granted.

Those of you that know me, know I have been actively living my bucket list for quite a few years.

So in May 2024 I have decided to have a few more bucket list experiences, try to make a long -held dream come true, AND find a way to create a new sustainable future doing what I love while contributing in a meaningful way to the world. (aka find a place near the water, somewhere in the world to call home and become a digital nomad; The Unconventional Therapist is going Global!)

It means giving up a stable source of income and trusting in myself. What could possibly go wrong? I am giving myself a year and if it doesn’t work, I’ve lost nothing important. What matters most, is that I have a go.

With all this in mind, I have been thinking of a word that expresses the energy that might serve me best during this new adventure.

I started with Jubilacion, the Spanish word for retirement which stems from the Latin verb jubilare, meaning to shout for joy and celebrate (a much better word than retire which connotes withdrawing from life!)

I wanted to celebrate, everything I have learned so far, experienced and achieved in life.

Then, I thought of integrate; because I see the next year as a way of integrating or bring ing together many things; knowledge, people and experiences.

But in the end, another word started knocking on my door.
She wanted my attention, but I didn’t like her. I ignored her, and she kept putting her hand up, waiting patiently for my attention.

Eventually, I stopped to listen. I gave her my full attention and I changed my mind.

I chose and commit to surrender

At first, I could not get past the idea that it means giving up, submitting, to yield to the power, control or possession of another upon compulsion or demand.

But then another meaning surfaced, the yin to the yang of that first definition; surrender as an empowering form of release, a choice not to fight or control circumstances or emotions, but a graceful acceptance of reality, being open to receive what comes your way, that is not in your control.

It involves a shift to trusting in the unknown.

And I realised, that it is the first step on The Pathway of Hope, a model that I have developed to help people shift from an uncomfortable state when they feel stuck. Accepting reality, is a surrendering to what is, and has happened. It does not mean we choose it, condone it or invite it in, but unless we accept the objective truth of what we are experiencing in some way, we cannot begin to heal or thrive again.

Surrender does not mean giving up or letting go or not taking action, or going with the flow in a powerless way, but it makes us think about what action to take and whether it will get us to where we want to go.

It allows for the possibility that we may get to the same place in a different way.

And when I think back on some pivotal moments in my life that have required me to do just that, I feel joy, because it was in the surrendering that I find myself exactly where I am now, and it’s not a bad place to be.

So I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you.

Thank you for your presence this last year, for sharing the moments of joy and also those where I have felt vulnerable. Every comment, message and acknowledgement reminds me of the fact that we are all connected and we all make a difference, just by being here.

If anyone wants to choose a word for next year, the instructions follow. PM me if you need any help or comment just to let me know what you have chosen and why.

Wishing you all a peaceful and enjoyable time as we transition from 2023 to 2024. And however you celebrate it or don’t I wish you joy!

Step 1
Think about a feeling state that you would you like to experience in the coming year.
Would you like to feel more energized or confident, perhaps more playful, peaceful, joyful or fearless.
The word that you choose becomes a kind of GPS that guides you when you are feeling stuck or out of sorts.

Make a commitment to using your word, to actually making the feeling of, creating and attracting of this energy in your life a priority for the next twelve months.

It can help to
-write your word down in places you will see regularly
(your fridge door, in your diary, on your phone, on your computer home page, on the back of the toilet door)
-tell someone else what it is, and give them permission to remind you of what it is from time to time or when you feel stuck
-start a file, or picture board reflecting your word. (See above) Collect images, ideas, music, art, quotes and anything else that reminds you of the word
-ask yourself; How can I keep this word alive and in my consciousness for the next year?
-build in review times -at the end of the first week, month and 6 months, for example, so that you can check your progress
-be curious, flexible and open to where the word will take you and how it shows up in different areas of your life physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually
-find an accountability buddy. Sometimes sharing this project with someone can be mutually beneficial.

When you need or want to make an important decision, consider which option or alternatives will help you feel closer to the word you have chosen.

Above all, make sure to be as happy and as healthy as you can, and don’t forget to have some fun! Mon x