23/09/2025
Worth a read. The NDwise Hub (UK based) has some useful information and resources for neurodivergent children and those who support them (including those who are neurodivergent themselves). 😊
Co-escalation is the cycle where a child’s distress feeds into a parent’s stress and the parent’s stress then fuels the child’s distress further. It’s a loop where two nervous systems spiral together until both are exhausted, upset and ashamed of how things unfolded.
Instead of one nervous system calming the other, they collide and amplify. Sometimes it presents itself as raised voices and tears, other times it’s silence, slammed doors or the relentless loop of arguing back and forth. What’s happening underneath is a biological chain reaction of fight, flight or freeze responses bouncing back and forth until both are depleted. It's exhausting.
It happens because we, as parents, are human. Brains are wired to respond to threat and a child in meltdown can register as a form of threat. Not a danger in the sense of physical harm, but a danger to order, to peace, to our sense of being in control. The body reacts automatically and parents are not reasoning calmly through options. They are fighting to regain control, just as much as the child is fighting to be heard or to feel safe. Vicious cycle.
This trap is especially easy to fall into when the parent themselves is neurodivergent, believe me, I know! When the child begins to unravel, it can stir up old wounds. The nervous system remembers, even when the mind is trying to reason.
The intention to stay calm is there, but the capacity sometimes isn’t. And the result is both parent and child spiralling together, both overwhelmed, both hurting.
What makes this dynamic so painful is that neither side wants it. Parents do not want to lose control in front of their children and children do not want their parent’s distress piled on top of their own. But co-escalation happens because human nervous systems are contagious. Stress leaks. Tension spreads and when both people are deeply connected the effect is exponentially magnified.
No parent can remain calm all the time and no child can be endlessly regulated. However, breaking this co-escalation cycle is led by awareness and choice. The moment a parent notices they are being pulled into their child’s storm, there is a chance to pause. That pause doesn’t fix everything or anything at all, but it interrupts the loop and it lets us step back rather than step further in. Repair matters too, by showing children that even when things get messy, connection can be restored.
Co-escalation doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. But recognising it is powerful, because awareness creates choice. The moment we notice we’re caught in the spiral, we can pause, reset and choose to be the calm in the storm.
Co-regulation doesn't mean you will never feel frustrated or about to blow a fuse. It means you are consciously choosing to use your presence as an anchor, not a matchstick.
