Alive Counselling - Perth

31/08/2025

Couples Therapy Isn’t Broken—But Many Therapists Aren’t Trained for It

Couples therapy has a mixed reputation. Some people discovered it saved their relationship, while others walked away disheartened, feeling like it did little to help. This divide often fuels the belief that couples therapy doesn’t work. But here’s the truth: couples therapy does work—and quite well—when the therapist has specific training in evidence-based approaches. Unfortunately, that’s where the problem lies, and very few people are aware.

The Training Gap: Why So Many Couples Leave Therapy Disappointed

In both Australia and the U.S., a large percentage of therapists include couples counselling in their private practice—about 70% in Australia and 80% in the U.S. But here’s the startling reality: research in the U.S. around 2002 found that only about 12% of those therapists had formal training in a couples therapy modality. While we hope the numbers have improved since then, Australia faces a similar challenge. Many therapists offer couples therapy without being trained in a recognised approach.

This mismatch means couples often end up with well-meaning but underprepared support with mixed results. Instead of finding lasting change, they may experience frustration—or even more damage to the relationship.
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https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/couples-therapy-isnt-broken-but-many-therapists-arent-trained-for-it

If you’re struggling, know that help is available, and it works—especially when you choose a therapist who is trained in approaches designed for couples. Don’t let a negative experience hold you back from the healing and connection you and your partner deserve.

22/08/2025

💬 “Why are we always fighting about the little things?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself this in your relationship, you’re not alone. Many couples wonder why small disagreements turn into big arguments — and the truth is, it’s rarely about the dishes or the socks on the floor.

👉 When we feel connected, big issues feel smaller.
👉 When we feel disconnected, even small things can feel overwhelming.

The real fight is often about something deeper: longing for closeness, care, and reassurance.

In our latest article, we explore:
✨ Why couples get stuck in the same arguments
✨ Why little things feel so big
✨ What partners are really needing from each other
✨ How you can begin to break the cycle and reconnect

If you’re ready to understand your relationship in a new way, this article is for you. 💙

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/breaking-the-cycle-how-couples-can-overcome-negative-patterns

Why do couples fight about small things? Discover why minor issues can feel huge when connection is missing, what couples need from each other, and how therapy can help you repair and reconnect.

14/07/2025

Understanding Primary and Secondary Emotions: A Key to Emotional Clarity and Regulation

Emotions can be complex and confusing, especially when we feel several of them at the same time. Sometimes, a single event can trigger a range of emotions, making it difficult to understand what we truly feel and how we should respond. One of the most important steps in managing our emotions is understanding the difference between primary and secondary emotions. This distinction helps us gain clarity, regulate our emotions, and make better decisions about how to respond.

What Are Primary and Secondary Emotions?...

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/understanding-primary-and-secondary-emotions-a-key-to-emotional-clarity-and-regulation/

12/07/2024

Divorce is a painful and often devastating experience for couples and families. Research by Dr. John Gottman identified four communication patterns that are particularly destructive to relationships, known as the Four Horsemen of Divorce: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. While these behaviours are well-known harbingers of relationship breakdown, their roots often lie in unhealed childhood attachment traumas.
Understanding the Four Horsemen and Their Roots in Childhood Trauma
1. Criticism: This involves attacking a partner's character or personality instead of addressing specific behaviours. For example, instead of saying, "I’m upset you didn’t clean the kitchen," criticism might sound like, "You never help around the house. You're so lazy."�Root in Childhood Trauma: Individuals who experienced criticism or rejection from caregivers in childhood may develop hypersensitivity to perceived flaws in others. This trauma can manifest in adulthood as a tendency to criticise partners to preemptively defend against being hurt.
2. Contempt: This goes beyond criticism to include mockery, sarcasm, and hostile humour. Contempt shows blatant disrespect and can be incredibly damaging to a relationship.�Root in Childhood Trauma: Contempt often stems from a deep-seated sense of worthlessness developed in childhood. Children who were belittled or made to feel inferior may grow up using contempt as a misguided way to regain a sense of control or superiority.
3. Defensiveness: This involves self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. Defensiveness often escalates conflicts rather than resolving them.�Root in Childhood Trauma: Individuals who faced constant blame or criticism in childhood may develop defensiveness as a protective mechanism. They react to any perceived attack by defending themselves, preventing productive communication and resolution.
4. Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and becoming unresponsive. Stonewalling can create a sense of abandonment and emotional distance in a relationship.�Root in Childhood Trauma: Stonewalling can be linked to early experiences of neglect or emotional unavailability from caregivers. To cope, individuals may have learned to shut down emotionally, leading to difficulties in maintaining open and vulnerable communication with partners.
Breaking the Cycle with Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT)
EFCT is a research-based approach to couples therapy that addresses the emotional and relational roots of conflict. By creating a safe and supportive environment, EFCT helps couples heal attachment traumas and develop a more secure and satisfying bond. Here’s how EFCT can address the destructive patterns of the Four Horsemen:
1. Creating Emotional Safety: EFCT prioritises creating a secure emotional environment where both partners feel safe to express their fears, needs, and vulnerabilities. This emotional safety is essential for healing attachment traumas and fostering genuine connection.
2. Addressing Underlying Emotions: EFCT helps couples identify and articulate the deep-seated emotions driving their destructive behaviours. By understanding the underlying fears and needs, couples can respond to each other with empathy and compassion rather than criticism or contempt.
3. Developing New Communication Patterns: Through EFCT, couples learn healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts. They practice expressing their needs and concerns without resorting to defensiveness or stonewalling, leading to more productive and supportive interactions.
4. Strengthening the Emotional Bond: EFCT focuses on rebuilding the emotional bond between partners. By creating moments of connection and understanding, couples can move past the negative cycles and build a more resilient and secure relationship.
Conclusion
Unhealed childhood attachment traumas can manifest as the Four Horsemen of Divorce, creating destructive cycles in relationships. However, there is hope. Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy offers a powerful solution for couples looking to heal past wounds and create a more secure and fulfilling bond. By addressing the root causes of relational distress and fostering emotional safety, EFCT can help couples break free from the patterns of the past and build a brighter future together.
Investing in EFCT can be the key to transforming your relationship, moving beyond temporary fixes, and achieving lasting connection and satisfaction. If you're ready to heal and strengthen your bond, consider seeking out a qualified EFCT therapist to guide you on this transformative journey.

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/unveiling-the-roots-of-divorce-childhood-trauma-and-the-four-horsemen/

06/05/2024

Tribute to Dr. Sue Johnson: A Pioneer in Couples Therapy
December 19, 1947 - April 23, 2024

Dr. Sue Johnson is a luminary in the realm of couples therapy, renowned for her groundbreaking contributions that have reshaped the landscape of relationships. Through her creation of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), she has not only revolutionised therapeutic interventions but has also fostered a global community dedicated to advancing this transformative approach.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Dr. Sue Johnson is celebrated for developing the first evidence-based couples therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which has garnered acclaim for its efficacy in nurturing and restoring relationships.
* EFT operates on the premise that adult attachment and emotions lie at the core of relational dynamics, offering a framework that enables couples to delve into their emotional worlds and forge deeper connections.
* By integrating principles of adult attachment theory, EFT empowers couples to navigate conflicts, enhance understanding, and cultivate secure emotional bonds within a supportive therapeutic environment.

Worldwide EFT Therapists Community
Dr. Sue Johnson's visionary leadership extends beyond therapeutic innovation to establishing a global network of EFT therapists through ICEEFT.com.
* The International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) serves as a hub for therapists practising EFT, fostering a collaborative environment for growth, skill development, and knowledge exchange.
* This thriving community is dedicated to enhancing the practice of EFT, fostering connections among therapists, and providing a platform for ongoing learning and support.

Legacy and Alive Counselling
Dr. Sue Johnson's legacy includes a profound influence on the field of couples therapy, with EFT becoming a widely recognised and respected approach.
* Alive Counselling, a part of her legacy, embodies her commitment to helping couples in distress find connection, acceptance, and belonging in their relationships.
* Through EFT and her work with therapists worldwide, Dr. Sue Johnson has helped countless couples build safe, supportive, and fulfilling relationships where each partner feels valued and desired.

Conclusion
Dr. Sue Johnson's indelible impact on the field of couples therapy is exemplified through her pioneering work in EFT and the creation of a vibrant community of therapists dedicated to advancing this transformative approach. Her legacy resonates through the lives of countless couples who have found healing, connection, and resilience through the principles she has championed. Dr. Sue Johnson's unwavering commitment to understanding the intricate tapestry of human relationships continues to inspire therapists and couples worldwide, empowering them to cultivate deeper levels of intimacy, understanding, and emotional connection in their relationships.

As we reflect on her legacy, let us honour Dr. Johnson not only for her groundbreaking contributions to the field of psychotherapy but also for her unwavering commitment to helping couples forge resilient, vibrant, and enduring bonds. In a world that often feels fragmented and disconnected, Dr. Sue Johnson's legacy serves as a reminder of the profound truth that, at our core, we are all wired for love and connection.

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/tribute-to-dr-sue-johnson-a-pioneer-in-couples-therapy/

# EFFT

13/04/2024

Navigating Anxiety and Depression with EFCT: Strategies for Couples

If you are grappling with anxiety and depression, navigating these mental health challenges can feel like an uphill battle. However, research suggests that Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) may hold the key to finding healing and support, especially when both partners are willing to embark on this journey together.

The Essence of EFCT
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is a therapeutic approach that emphasises the importance of emotional connection and responsiveness within a relationship. Through EFCT, partners learn to lean on each other for support and develop the skills needed to be accessible, responsive, and emotionally engaged with one another.

The Missing Link: Co-Regulation
One of the core principles of EFCT is teaching couples how to co-regulate their emotions. Many individuals have not had the opportunity to experience healthy co-regulation in their upbringing, which can lead to challenges in their adult relationships. When partners attempt to self-regulate independently, this can often result in disconnection and misunderstandings...
https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/navigating-anxiety-and-depression-with-efct-strategies-for-couples/

06/04/2024

Beyond Vacation: Investing in Lasting Connection Through Couples Therapy

In today’s fast-paced world, couples often find themselves seeking solace in extravagant holidays or lavish getaways, hoping to rejuvenate their relationships and reconnect on a deeper level. While these experiences may offer temporary respite from the rigours of everyday life, they often fail to address the underlying issues that impact the quality of our connections. Instead of relying on temporary fixes, couples are increasingly turning to Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) as a more meaningful and lasting investment in today’s fast-paced world, couples often find themselves seeking solace in extravagant holidays or lavish getaways, hoping to rejuvenate their relationships and reconnect on a deeper level. While these experiences may offer temporary respite from the rigours of everyday life, they often fail to address the underlying issues that impact the quality of our connections. Instead of relying on temporary fixes, couples are increasingly turning to Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT) as a more meaningful and lasting investment in th relationship.

Here’s why couples therapy trumps expensive holidays when it comes to cultivating deep, lasting connections:

Addressing Core Issues: While vacations provide a temporary escape, they rarely delve into the underlying issues that may be affecting your relationship. EFCT goes beyond surface-level solutions, guiding couples to explore and address the root causes of their challenges. By understanding and addressing these core issues, couples can cultivate genuine connection and intimacy that lasts...
https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/beyond-vacation-investing-in-lasting-connection-through-couples-therapy/

25/03/2024

As a therapist, it has been incredibly rewarding to witness the transformative power of EFT in the lives of the couples I have had the honour of working with, and I am excited to continue guiding and supporting couples on their journey toward deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

The Power of Authenticity: A Therapist’s Reflection
https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/the-power-of-authenticity-a-therapists-reflection/

As a therapist, it has been incredibly rewarding to witness the transformative power of EFT in the lives of the couples I have had the honour of working with, and I am excited to continue guiding and supporting couples on their journey toward deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

15/10/2023

Steering Clear of Relationship Disasters: The Importance of Early Therapy Before It's Too Late

Introduction:
Relationships are like ships sailing the vast sea of life, sometimes tranquil and other times turbulent. One common scenario that arises is when one partner seems blissfully unaware of the disconnection until the relationship is on the brink of collapse. This often occurs when the withdrawing partner avoids therapy until their pursuer becomes utterly drained and contemplates ending the relationship. In this article, we'll explore how this dynamic plays into the negative cycle and the importance of seeking therapy early, even when there is less overt conflict. Drawing from research by John Gottman on the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" predicting divorce and the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we aim to encourage the reluctant partner to take proactive steps towards healing the relationship.

The Anatomy of the Negative Cycle:
In many relationships, conflicts follow a pattern. One partner may pursue for emotional connection, while the other withdraws to avoid the discomfort of confrontation. This dance, as John Gottman's research suggests, can be a precursor to relationship demise. The "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling – are often seen in relationships approaching the breaking point. The withdrawing partner often employs stonewalling as a defence mechanism, further intensifying the negative cycle.

The Danger of Waiting:
For the withdrawing partner, therapy may seem unnecessary when the relationship appears relatively calm on the surface. It's easy to dismiss concerns when there are fewer overt conflicts. However, this peace can be deceptive. The emotional disconnection, if left unaddressed, tends to fester and erode the relationship's foundation. It's akin to ignoring a small crack in a ship's hull; over time, it can lead to a catastrophic rupture.

The Power of Early Intervention:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) teaches us that emotional intimacy is the cornerstone of a thriving relationship. It emphasises the importance of recognising the emotional undercurrents beneath seemingly calm waters. Seeking therapy early, even when there is less outward conflict, can be a game-changer. It allows couples to address the emotional disconnection, learn healthier ways to communicate, and prevent the escalation of conflicts.

The Call to the Reluctant Partner:
If you find yourself in the role of the withdrawing partner, it's crucial to recognise that therapy is not a last resort but a proactive step towards preserving the relationship. Waiting until your partner is emotionally exhausted may be too late to repair the damage. By embracing therapy early, you can address the emotional disconnection and learn to communicate effectively before the relationship reaches a breaking point.

Conclusion:
In the realm of relationships, proactive steps often make the difference between drifting apart and sailing towards lasting love. When one partner is reluctant or unaware of the disconnection, and the other is on the brink of burnout, it's essential to heed the warning signs. John Gottman's research on the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" is a stark reminder of the consequences of neglecting emotional intimacy. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provides a roadmap for healing the emotional rifts in a relationship. So, let us not wait until the ship is sinking to seek help. Instead, let's navigate the tides of love with wisdom and foresight, choosing therapy as a tool for rekindling the flames of connection before it's too late.

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/steering-clear-of-relationship-disasters-the-importance-of-early-therapy-before-its-too-late/

07/10/2023

Quotes to inspire you

Alive Counselling Resources
https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/

01/10/2023

Strengthening Your Relationship: The Three Stages of EFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a highly effective approach to couples therapy that is focused on helping couples understand and regulate their emotions, deepen their emotional connection, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. EFT is based on the idea that emotions are at the core of our relationships and that by learning to understand and express our emotions more effectively, we can create deeper connections with our partners.

Stage One: De-escalation – Breaking the Cycle of Distress

The first stage of EFT, known as De-escalation, is all about breaking free from negative interaction cycles that are causing distress in the relationship. These cycles are often repetitive patterns of communication and behaviour that lead to conflict and emotional disconnection. In this stage, couples work with their therapist to achieve the following:

Identifying Negative Interaction Cycles: Couples learn to recognise the specific patterns of interaction that lead to conflict and disconnection. This awareness is the first step toward change.
Understanding Emotions and Behaviours: They explore the emotions and behaviours that contribute to these negative cycles, gaining insight into their own and their partner’s responses.
Uncovering Underlying Fears and Vulnerabilities: EFT delves deeper to uncover the underlying fears and vulnerabilities that drive these cycles. Understanding these core emotional triggers is essential for healing.
Developing Strategies for Interrupting the Cycle: Couples are equipped with strategies for interrupting these destructive patterns and replacing them with healthier ways of engaging with each other.
Stage Two: Restructuring – Creating New Patterns of Connection

The second stage, Restructuring, focuses on creating new, positive patterns of interaction that promote emotional security and closeness. In this stage, couples work together to:

Identify Needs and Desires: They delve into the needs and desires that underlie their emotional responses. This helps them connect on a deeper level and understand what truly matters to each other.
Develop New Communication Skills: EFT encourages couples to develop fresh ways of communicating and connecting with their partner. Effective communication is vital for building emotional intimacy.
Express Needs and Desires Clearly: Couples learn to express their needs and desires more clearly, reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.
Respond with Empathy: EFT emphasises responding to your partner’s needs in ways that promote understanding and empathy, fostering a supportive and caring environment.
Create New Rituals and Routines: Building new rituals and routines that reinforce the emotional connection becomes a key component of this stage.
Stage Three: Consolidation – Preparing for the Future

The final stage, Consolidation, is about cementing the progress made in the previous stages and preparing for the future. In this stage, couples focus on:

Reinforcing Positive Patterns: They work on reinforcing the positive patterns of interaction developed in the earlier stages, ensuring that these become the foundation of their relationship.
Preparing for Challenges: Couples prepare for challenges that may arise in the future, equipping themselves with the skills and strategies to navigate difficulties together.
Developing New Skills: EFT helps couples develop new skills for handling stress and conflict in healthy ways, enhancing their resilience as a couple.
Maintaining the Emotional Connection: Maintaining and nurturing the emotional connection they’ve built with their partner becomes a lifelong commitment.
Overall, EFT offers a powerful tool for couples who are looking to improve their relationship and build greater emotional intimacy. By providing a structured, evidence-based approach that is focused on emotions and collaboration, EFT can help couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships that are built on trust, empathy, and understanding. Through the three stages of De-escalation, Restructuring, and Consolidation, couples can strengthen their bonds and create lasting, meaningful connections.

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/the-three-stages-of-eft/

17/09/2023

The Power of Emotions: Unveiling the Six Basic Emotions and Their Impact on Our Lives

Introduction:
Emotions are the vibrant colours of our inner world, shaping our experiences and influencing our decisions. Among the myriad of feelings we encounter, there are six basic emotions that serve as the foundation for our emotional landscape: Happiness, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, Fear, and Surprise. In this article, we'll explore why recognising and understanding these emotions is crucial. We'll delve into how our upbringing, especially regarding gender expectations, can impact our emotional expression. Moreover, we'll uncover the profound benefits of being in touch with our emotions, ranging from clarity of action to the enrichment of our relationships.
The Six Basic Emotions: A Brief Overview:
1. Happiness: This emotion brings joy, contentment, and positivity into our lives. It's a reflection of our satisfaction with the present moment.
2. Sadness: Sadness arises in response to loss, disappointment, or unmet needs. It encourages us to reflect and process these experiences.
3. Disgust: Disgust helps us avoid harmful substances or situations. It's a protective emotion that signals potential danger.
4. Anger: Anger emerges when our boundaries are crossed or when we perceive injustice. It can be a powerful motivator for change.
5. Fear: Fear alerts us to potential threats and triggers our fight-or-flight response. It's essential for our survival.
6. Surprise: Surprise keeps us alert and responsive to unexpected situations. It prepares us to adapt quickly.
The Impact of Upbringing and Gender Expectations:
Our upbringing significantly influences our ability to acknowledge and express these emotions. For men, especially, societal gender training often discourages the open expression of emotions, particularly those perceived as "weak" or "vulnerable," such as sadness or fear. This can lead to emotional suppression, making it challenging to recognise and address feelings. In contrast, women may face societal pressure to conform to certain emotional norms, such as being nurturing or accommodating, which can also limit authentic emotional expression.
The Benefits of Emotion Recognition and Expression:
Emotions are not just fleeting sensations; they hold profound significance in our lives:
1. Clarity of Action: Recognising our emotions provides clarity on our values and desires. It helps us make decisions aligned with our true selves.
2. Improved Emotional Regulation: Acknowledging emotions allows us to regulate them effectively. Instead of repressing or exploding, we can respond thoughtfully.
3. Enhanced Relationships: Emotional awareness fosters empathy, deepening our connections with others. It enables us to understand their feelings and perspectives better.
4. Conflict Resolution: Emotionally intelligent individuals can navigate conflicts with compassion and understanding, leading to more constructive resolutions.
5. Personal Growth: Embracing our emotions is a pathway to personal growth and self-acceptance. It allows us to embrace our complexity as human beings.
Conclusion:
Emotions are the threads that weave the fabric of our lives. Recognising and understanding the six basic emotions – Happiness, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, Fear, and Surprise – is vital for our well-being. Breaking free from gender-based emotional constraints is a courageous step towards authentic emotional expression. Being in touch with our emotions brings clarity to our actions, enriches our relationships, and allows us to live in alignment with our values. So, let us embrace the power of our feelings, for they are not obstacles but allies in our journey toward a richer, more fulfilling life.

https://alivecounselling.com.au/resources/the-six-basic-emotions/