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Jessica - Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer

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Jessica - Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer

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Jessica - Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer
she/her
🪞🍶🍽️ Lover of beautiful things
💉🪚💊 Bumbling through cancerland
IDC HR+ HER2- 2021 at 15 weeks pregnant /MBC 2023*

03/16/2025

On March 10, 2025, after an incredibly tough four-year battle with breast cancer, my beautiful and brave wife, passed away at the Bruyère Health Saint-Vincent hospital.

Cancer stole a lot of things from her, and from us. The full joy of her pregnancy, the ability to breastfeed her baby, her career, self-esteem, family time (with ins and outs from hospitals) and, to some extent, our mental health.

But there were also other things it could not steal from her. She was able to give birth to our wonderful son Benjamin and flood him with love. She could hear from him "I love you, mommy" in return, sing along with him and cuddle him countless times. She could also realize how much she was loved by her friends and in all possible imaginable ways.

One day, her son will be proud not only of how intelligent, smart and kind his mom was, but also by her ability to connect with people. Her ability to connect to good people. And I will tell him what an honor it was to be married to her.

We will miss our Jess everyday.

Rafael

02/10/2025

Happened faster than I would have guessed, but officially the hospital bed arrived far before we finished making the house a home.
I'm trying to stay at my home for as long as possible
I want to see you all. Even if I've not been very responsive recenty!

Send me a DM to make planes

02/04/2025

We were both warriors that day, early September, 2021. My son and I completed 8 rounds of AC-Taxol together and after a couple of weeks off we checked into the hospital to induce a few weeks before my due date. 7 days of waiting to try and meet my unknown baby failed and we had a c-section. I was so nervous, but my beautiful baby nuzzled into my neck, picture perfect.

It's been almost 4 years since I found my cancer in my left breast. Trying to hold on to the memories while I continue to fight the cancer that spread.

As I've said before it's hard to parent with cancer but there is no doubt that he has enriched my life and we've found joy where once there was none.

I'm not a fan of the silver lining trope but I do think you can make meaning out of something negative. Ben took the sting out of the diagnosis, and watching him grow; new steps; new words; and daring activites makes me glow with pride.

Get screening done as per your profile. Don't know what that is? Ask your doctor. Trust me, not knowing because of fear of worse than catching the cancer too late.

Sending love to those who have faced cancer, in person, or by watching your loved one. It's time to kick this disease to the curb.

02/01/2025

Parenting with cancer is a tough gig; for everyone involved. Everyday is a new opportunity for something to happen...
Wouldn't you know it that just a few days after posting my video, I started to have a cough and shortness of breath. It's progressed over the last couple of weeks and I've been feeling quite rotten. My palliative team and I plodded through some medication changes and two days ago, we changed my main pain medication for a different type. We were hoping it would work better and we would avoid resistance of the other.
I finally woke up yesterday, at 1:00pm frozen in my bed. The pain had kept me immobile and any little movement triggered the cough and accompanying shortness of breath. It was my son who had woken me up. Daycare was closed for the day.
I slowly surveilled my surroundings trying to balance feeling nauseous and just a little bit dizzy, not all that different than a hang-over wake up. Only the chaos wasn't party leftovers; My son had collected every single pillow and blanket that was available and drapped them over my body. His entire ballon population joined in while his multitude of cars finished their various activities and found parking. His biggest acheivement was the theft of the jumbo Sharpie
I think of the marker; the makeup; or the flour mess as a right of passage for kids learning to push buttons and understanding boundaries. After everyone had finished, around 2:30 that afternoon, the only thing I felt was exhaustion.
I don't know what's on the road ahead but I do know I'll be practicing my horizontal playtime. There's just so much I can do at the moment but snuggling my little when he wants to watch tv is available to me!
Anyone else have horizontal playtime that works? Definitely does not have to be triggered by cancer. So show me what you got.

01/09/2025

Well wouldn't it track that the day after I post an update here, is the day I once again present myself to the ER... BUT I'm already home and we had unexpected good news so totally worth it!

My palliative care team had a few concerns about some newly arising and worsening symptoms. In consultation with my oncologist, they determined ER was the right approach, and so off I went to get the scans I hadn't felt important about a month ago.

The amazing results of 12 total hours in ER was:
1) The elimination of both of the very problematic outcomes that may have been: Spinal cord compression and a pulmonary embolism.
2) No indication of growth in my bone mets.
3) Reduction in cancer load in my lungs🥳. Not entirely expected with Keytruda which normally doesn't get along all that well with screening!!!

I had multiple blood tests, X-rays and CT Scans and luckily an all over great experience by the end of all of it. Thrilled to have been offered the chance to go home at 3:30am I took an Uber straight home and crawled into my bed.

This morning, I am still amazed at how effective the system can be sometimes. There were also a few really unique changes I experienced. The info desk, who sends you to triage, used a strongly worded "what medical EMERGENCY caused you to come to the ER today". A chance for patients to learn that there might be other options for them...
Secondly, and the most impressive change, was the addition of a physician in the tirage room. He was able to order the most relevant tests and flag my needs before I was even registered. In general, wait time between steps was minimal and I was kept appraised as everything was going on!

We talk about wait times in the ER often, but we don't often reflect on what gets done. I came and went within 12 hours and received world class health care and a status update on my illness. I am so privileged and so grateful.

12/08/2024

Facebook Marketplace has been kind to me lately. I guess it helps that nominally the energy I have goes almost fully towards trying to basically furnish my house. Mostly though, it's all this horizontal time that requires no thought and no large effort.
I found these amazing horse carousel side tables, the other day. The coffee table even spins! They were quite gross but they cleaned up pretty nicely.
I grabbed a brass bed for my guest bedroom. It was also very tarnished but turned out amazingly. I'm still grateful for the seller who somehow rigged my trunk door closed when I was off the measurements by about 1 inch 🤦‍♀️.
I am also in love with the light fixture which pulled off it's intended goal to be like a firework. I'm not entirely sure yet where it will go but I know it will be awesome there!
So many things I saw and loved but that wouldn't work in our house and so I have, with great effort, left them behind. Trying to keep the mess to a minimum in this house... A challenge but one I'm willing to take on - seems easier than some of my others lately 😂.

12/05/2024

It's official, I live my house even more in the winter. What a way to wake up, my official first view! It's a really good thing because I'm definitely spending a lot of time in bed lately!
Honestly, I am doing amazing considering the state of me a few short months ago but training your body to become a cancer killer is exhausting. Combine that with the emotional hangover of the whole thing and the forever there fear and you've got a whole lot of need for rest.
Realizing I was sleeping for about 15 hours a day made me feel a little better about how little I am accomplishing; the need to be productive is a particularly hard type of brainwashing to break.
All of this to say I am deep in celebration mode, even if it's horizontally from my bed... I saw my oncologist yesterday who was so pleased with my recovery and very optimistic about the future. I left the office, for the first time with Rafael since he haven't been allowed during COVID, walking lighter and breathing easier.
Life with MBC is never straightforward and never anything you can bank on, but hope helps, laughter amongst friends is healing, and new cancer research is a lifesaver.
Hoping to spending less time sleeping and more time loving very soon. In the meantime, all my deepest thanks for being here and the support you do, I'm here because you are.

11/14/2024

I cannot believe it's been almost 6 weeks since I sat in the discoloured vinyl chair, pressed up against the opaque windows that were never meant to open, and had my first dose of Keytruda. My long shot. I'll repeat the process tomorrow and hope my last hospitalization's timing was coincidental. I have a good feeling though so I'm riding the wave of hope.
I am once again lining up apologies for not answering people's lovely messages but I've also had a little time to think about why.
Sometimes the practical really is the only reason. I have friends using multiple different platforms and now I struggle to remember if the message was on Whatsapp, Messenger, via text, or Instagram. Then I go to respond, opening the wrong portal and 💥 my chemo brain forgets exactly what it was trying to do and I'm back scrolling Marketplace.
Sometimes the emotional labour of responding to people is quite simply beyond me. I'm so thrilled for everyone in my life and every single message I receive is welcomed and wanted. It's just if I'm having an off day: more pain than usual, more fatigue, whatever it may be; it is beyond hard to respond individually. I don't often have that much to say after a while. My life is certainly not adventure packed any longer!
A few months ago my friend Katie introduced me to the idea of pebbling. Named after the penguins who search for the perfect pebble for the ones they love, this version is Internet-based and meme friendly. It's as simple as sending something that you know will capture your friends' attention without any additional commentary needed. Words transform into a screaming goat for "thinking of you" and baby otters for "sending you hugs". It's been a lovely and low investment way to connect.
The last few weeks have been really tough. I am so much better but I'm still struggling emotionally and physically. I'm in love with my house but the move took a lot of energy. Plus I've been super lucky to have siblings visit and my mom help out but it doesn't leave a lot of time for other stuff.
All this to say, if you get a message at some point in the future with a baby monkey riding a pig, I have not lost my mind... I'm just sending my love.

11/03/2024

The movers came today to pack all of our chaos, Tetris style, into their truck. My mom and brother are here with Ben, Rafa and I so we have many hands on deck, even though the moving company is doing the heavy lifting. This new house is officially the 22nd place I've lived, between houses, room and board, roommates and foreign assignments there was a period I was moving almost every year but this will be my last for a long time.
I went from "maybe we should start seeing what's out there" to "I want to see everything and move in the next couple of months" very quickly, but I just needed to settle and nest before winter set upon us. The moment I saw this house, I knew I needed to be here, the ravine giving me a feeling of peace and ease. I feel like I can breathe a little bit.
Ben has picked his bedroom, there's a spare room for both Rafa and I, as well as the primary one. We'll all have our own space and everything will have its place which is something I couldn't say at the old house. I'm not a minimalist but I'm committed to trying to keep things orderly. I was so amazed at how the house looked for showings that I've been inspired. I'm really looking forward to a new start here. Yes, the cancer is following me still, but I'm much better prepared than I was the last time, when Ben was 10 months old. The moving truck is bringing the equipment that still feels so weird to see my name on, but the walker can stay in the front hall closet and the shower chair won't need to be moved with every use. They don't scare me anymore, a sentiment so nicely summarized by Neil Gaiman in his book "American Gods": "He was no longer scared of what tomorrow might bring because yesterday has brought it."

I wouldn't recommend rapidly failing health combined with any sort of move, but a simple move would have never met my "but how crazy an idea is it?" threshold. Honestly though, this move was only possible due to amazing support from incredible friends, family and realtor! My gratitude is endless.*

*See comment.

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