Dan Reader

06/11/2024

This from Paul was exactly what most people fail to realise…

Are you creating an environment of safety where vulnerability can become the default?

Or

Are you quick to criticise, be judgemental or dismiss your partner?

One will be a breeding ground for truth and connection and the other will be a breeding ground for secrecy, shame and disconnection.

Either way the most important thing is to recognise we are ALWAYS 50% of EVERY relationship dynamic we’re in.

Pointing fingers is a perfect way to prevent yourself from having your relational needs met…

Get curious, self reflect and act upon YOUR 50% in a way that builds the kind of connection you want and if nothing changes then you have a bigger problem to address.

309 likes, 32 comments. “ ”

29/10/2024

For a man a huge sign of growth is when you can enjoy your sexuality sober, instead of needing alcohol and co***ne to allow yourself permission to ‘enjoy’ it.

P.s. shame does not need to be a life sentence!

27/10/2024

Do they inspire you to want to be like them?

No?!

So why the f**k are you allowing their judgements to prevent you from being who and how YOU want to be?!

Always remember this when you feel the need to play small or make yourself invisible!

*slips off to trigger more insecure people by wearing a skirt and makeup 😉😂!

P.s. do NOT let idiots try and take away your happiness and joy!

17/10/2024

What’s so sad to me is how unkind people can be to other human beings that are just living their lives.

Human beings that are having fun and enjoying their lives AND have had to work really hard to find some joy in their lives!

I don’t know, it’s just something that I can’t understand, especially when we are faced with the reality of death and loss day in and day out.

Surely kindness and acceptance should be our default, NOT judgement and hatred?!

Wake up and start healing!

Sincerely yours,
The sensitive ones.

15/10/2024

After last nights call with a client it really got me thinking and I just wanted to share my thoughts with you.

So…

I share a lot of things around parenting and how to create environments day to day that promote healthy child development.

While I wholeheartedly believe in what I share I also want to acknowledge a context that I haven’t spoken much about.

But before I go on I want to just mention that there is nothing to read between the lines and my intentions here are pure, honest and 100% transparent.

Parenting is hard AF!

It’s the most important job in the world AND the world, society and most systems we live in are not designed to prioritise supporting raising children.

In today’s society parents are far more stressed, overworked and under supported to be able to really give their children what a child needs, to the extent they need it.

That’s just the sad reality!

But here’s the thing and this is what really opens my heart when I work with clients…

Most come to me with this doubt that they are not somehow being the parent their child/ren deserves.

Again NOTHING to read between the lines here,

No shame,

No judgement,

And I always remind them that the majority of people/parents NEVER go to therapy.

Like I said this is not to shame those parents that don’t go to therapy, but instead to acknowledge and praise those that do, because for most of us, WE never grew up with parents that went to therapy.

So while my client/s share their thoughts and feelings around the aspects of parenting they feel they fall short on, the truth is they are doing far more than they ever received from their parents!

Again,

No shame,

No judgement!

For me personally having a parent show up and work through their own stuff and learn to treat themselves with more kindness and compassion, always make me feel emotional, because I KNOW how positively this work will impact their children’s lives ❤️!

I think what I’d like you to take away from this is being a parent in this day and age is f**king hard to say the least and you certainly do not receive the amount of support you and your children need and deserve!

So rather than judge yourself and beat yourself up, recognise the part inside of you that truly wants to be better and then nurture that part ❤️.

And to the parents that are in therapy and working through your own ‘stuff,’ I just want to acknowledge you and commend you because it takes so much courage to ask for help and do the work!

15/09/2024

What I’ve learnt and experienced, is those people that always have something negative to say about you, criticise you or gossip about you, are always the very people that are terrified of putting themselves out there because THEY don’t want to be judged.

A few years when I really started to remove the masks and just be my weird as f**k self, I was terrified of being laughed at, judged and misunderstood!

But I also knew that hiding away and trying to fit in had led me to a dark place of loneliness, depression and unfulfillment.

Over time those judgements from insignificant people no longer bothered me, I didn’t like or respect them, nor did I want or need their approval anymore.

What has been a little more challenging though is confronting my fears of being judged by family, specifically close family.

That was really painful hearing the things that they were saying about me, because it brought up this reminder and all the feelings of what not being seen my whole life has felt like.

^^^ that was the pain I’d been running away from when I spent the majority of my teens and 20’s living for the weekend so that I could get f**ked up.

This year really has been a full spectrum of inner experiences!

From really struggling with my health and living in physical pain, to dealing with depression, while at the same time being able to have complete faith in my process and how it’s unfolding.

While depression is still with me, I can also see some light piercing through the clouds.

I’m starting to gain access to some happiness which I’m finding through the way I choose to dress myself.

My theory is that I always used to wear clothes and choose an appearance based on what other people were wearing and what I thought looked good on them, not once did I ever think about what I wanted to wear first and foremost and even if I did I would never allow myself to wear something that would have me standing out.

Blending in just enough was always my goal!

As you may of noticed I’m no longer posting things from a place of ‘you need to hear this,’ but rather from a place of I WANT TO SHARE THIS.

This is a whole new experience of life for me!

I’m unsure where it’s going to lead me, but what I do know is that I am a 36 year old man who is no longer consumed by societal shoulds, or familial judgements and expectations and THAT has opened me up to a life of endless possibilities and opportunities 😍!

I’m ending the year with a lot of love in my life and in my heart and in 12 days time I get to experience and express all of that in person 😉!

Here’s to breaking free from the confines of our unresolved wounds so that we stop diluting ourselves down to be palatable for anyone🤘🏼🖤!

12/09/2024

The further along our healing journey we are, the more access we have to our vulnerability.

We’re able to say things like;

1. I’m struggling right now.
2. I don’t know.
3. I need help.
4. I’m sorry.
5. I’m scared.
6. I’m sad.
7. I love you.

Just to name a few.

But why is vulnerability so important?!

Well vulnerability is the building block of connection, which is what we all want!

Vulnerability is an invitation for connection.

The more connected we feel to ourselves the deeper we are able to connect with others.

Oh and btw, people that are connected to themselves can easily sense when you are wearing a mask and trying to ‘fake it until you make it.’

So stop trying to avoid vulnerability…

Unless you want to live a life filled with loneliness and surface level relationships?!

08/09/2024

“We always choose someone to be in a relationship with who is at the same level of traumatic hurt as we are” Gabor Mate.

This means that we can use our relationship to really solidify our trauma and continue to live out of it,

Or…

We can commit to growing and healing together, so that our relationship becomes the environment needed to free ourselves from the trauma responses we have been living out of.

Their love for us, can teach us that we are in fact lovable and that is the gift we can offer eachother in a relationship ❤️!

05/09/2024

What’s sad to me is how I spent so many years of my life, never truly experiencing safety in my relationships.

What I’ve come to realise over these last few years is, that for me to have people in my life that are safe, I first of all needed to start working on accepting and loving myself.

The more I accepted and loved myself, the more I could show up authentically and THAT, is what started to attract people into my life that also shared the same values.

See when we are afraid to remove the masks and allow what’s underneath the surface to be witnessed, we will continue to attract people that are also afraid of vulnerability and can also only offer surface level.

But the real issue with living a life void of vulnerability and depth, is just how lonely you will always feel.

The reason for that is because you know that deep down no one really knows you and THAT is painful at best and life threatening at worst.

So if right now you are consumed with loneliness, try looking at the parts of yourself that you want to express, or share and allow your mind to imagine what your life could look like if you didn’t have to keep hiding away.

Really lean in to that excitement and the visions you can create when you imagine yourself living authentically, because over time this will start to feel like the only choice you really have and THAT is when you will start to recognise you DO have the courage to start removing the masks.

Once you start you’ll soon realise that this is now the only way you can live and will start repelling those that no longer are a fit and start attracting those that are ❤️‍🔥!

Do not let the fear of judgement prevent you from experiencing the kind of relationships that feel nourishing to your soul.

30/08/2024

I just posted this on my Instagram story but I wanted to post it on here as well.

19/08/2024

Isn’t it sad that human beings feel the need to police eachother if they aren’t seen to be living life by societial norms?!

Which btw just because something is considered normal, doesn’t mean it’s healthy or conducive to your wellbeing.

Just take clothing for instance…

The rage that people experience because someone chooses to wear a particular piece of material on their body.

What’s really sad is the fact that so many people try to suck the joy out of others!

Picture this: A human being that is ‘supposed to wear’ what society deems as ‘men’s clothing,’ decides one day that they want to wear a skirt…

They have fun shopping for a skirt and trying a few on and then find one that they love.

It makes them feel really happy and free which is something that haven’t felt to this extent before…

As they leave the shop wearing their new skirt, they are quickly confronted by looks of disgust and someone even shouts ‘faggot.’

They eventually make it home and run straight upstairs to take off the very thing that only an hour ago made them feel free!

With their head in their hands and tears streaming down their face, they decide to shut down that part of them that was curious and ultimately brought them to their joy.

They continue to go through their daily life depressed, unfulfilled and slip back into addiction.

‘What’s the point?!’ They think.

I am either going to continue slowly killing myself, or face the very possible threat that someone will take their unprocessed trauma out on me and maybe one day the attack goes too far.

Now this is the society we live in!!

Those of us that choose joy and authenticity face abuse to varying degrees!

‘Lucky for me’ I’m not trans (I hate the fact I can even say that!!)

But just for a moment stop and think about how you would handle having your joy, authenticity, identity, humanity be threatened every day!

Well guess what…

All of your joy, authenticity, identity and humanity IS BEING THREATENED EVERYDAY, it’s just that you have decided to bury your head at best and at worst take part in the war!

But if you truly want a safe environment for yourself and your loved ones, ESPECIALLY your kids, then you have to begin to heal!

Look at the parts of yourself you wrestle with.

Look at the parts of yourself that have been denied and shamed.

Look at how your judgements of others are actually a reflection of how you feel about yourself and your own life.

And then ask yourself ‘who and how would I be, if I wasn’t told by society and everyone around me who and how I have to be?!’

Because the freedom you are trying to take away from others, is sadly just mirroring your LACK of freedom back to you.

But you can free yourself and it starts by taking an honest, compassionate look at who YOU are.

Imagine a world where you were free to be whoever the f**k you wanted to be 😍❤️‍🔥!

A world where love is the go to instead of hate.

I may be an idealist, but I have faith in humanity and our ability to heal and love!

So…

What’s it going to be?

16/08/2024

I’m going to start treating my social media as my virtual home, just in the sense that I will remove anyone that shares anything that feels shaming or hateful.

This is not me being self righteous, I just don’t want to be going onto my social media and seeing posts that are transphobic, homophobic, racist or any other hate filled nonsense.

I would not choose to spend time with someone that isn’t kind and that also means on social media.

I want my social media to feel uplifting, or at the very least respectful.

I advocate for human beings being able to live a life free from judgement and hate!

I want to see a world where we can all respect and even celebrate eachothers humanity!

Again this is not about self righteousness, this is about me choosing the kind of people I have in my space, virtual or otherwise.

04/08/2024

Anyone else obsessed with this!!

First of all obviously seeing him comeback after the allegations, controversy and addiction but to then create an absolute work of art!

The aesthetic of his is something I absolutely love, but even more than that is just how powerfully he can convey a message, verbally and non verbally, which is what I believe the best art does!

Now obviously art is open to interpretation, but the message I am taking from this is how we need to befriend the ‘darker parts’ of ourselves, because when we exile certain parts they come back with a vengeance and wreak havoc!

Every part of us just wants to be loved and integrated.

This is also my therapeutic approach to life (IFS and Compassionate inquiryesque) and healing 🖤.

Anyone love this 😍🤘🏼?!

Official music video for the Marilyn Manson single "As Sick As The Secrets Within" out via Nuclear Blast Records.Listen now: https://mm.bfan.link/as-sick-as-...

15/07/2024

Gaslighting, dismissive, invalidating phrases you need to stop using, especially when someone you love and care about opens up to you.

Yeah well atleast…

Things could be worse…

Think of the positives…

You JUST need to…

If I can get through it so can you…

Stop holding on to the past…

You shouldn’t feel that way…

Just let it go…

Yh well what about how I feel…

I didn’t mean it like that…

You’re so sensitive…

If you genuinely care and want to be there for the person that has just shared something vulnerable with you, then do NOT say any variation of these!

Use something like;

That sounds really tough/painful/challenging, something that lets them know that you see the pain they are in.

Then say something like;

I am here for you,

Or

If there is something I can do for you I’m always here,

Or

If you know they are someone that appreciates physical touch just put your arm round them and hold them.

This stops them from feeling alone and reminds them that they are seen and loved.

If someone wants advice, suggestions, help of any kind they will ask so please remember this as any kind of unsolicited advice is just you trying to either push away your own discomfort, or an attempt to infantilise which again is something that requires your self reflection and awareness.

I know 9/10 it is coming from a well intentioned place and something that you’re probably unconscious of, but recognising these things in relationships with help you improve the connections you have with those you care about and love ❤️.

05/07/2024

There is this weird thing in the coaching industry around calling people out.

Your clients do not need to be called out, want to know what they actually need 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼!

A safe, loving, compassionate, presence.

05/07/2024

Over these last couple of years I’ve really been able to understand the way my brain works and why I struggle with the things that I do.

I may push for an official diagnosis of ADHD but for me personally I already know I have it and as a result of that I’ve been able to understand myself and be compassionate towards myself when I’m struggling with certain things.

One thing with me is having so many ideas and starting things but very rarely following through until the end. I used to really judge myself and criticise myself for not ‘sticking with things’ but now I understand that it is not something that makes me less than but rather a symptom of how my brain developed.

Now one thing I will not do though is tell myself it’s a superpower or hold onto that label in a disempowering way because for 1. It’s a trauma response so why would I celebrate that and 2. I am more than a label.

Now I am not saying that having a diagnosis or label is bad but what I am saying I am official diagnosis and label should only be used to understand ourselves so that we can meet our needs better and become much kinder towards ourselves when our symptoms are presenting themselves.

There are loads of amazing people out there that specialise in ADHD and that will help you recognise that it isn’t some kind of disease or genetic thing that you have no control over and by learning more about this will help you orient your life in a way that is supportive of your overall well being.

For me it’s empowering knowing that ADHD is a trauma response because it helps me recognise how wise our mind and bodies are and how they are always working for us and never against us.

Normal responses to abnormal, stressful situations.

My journey and process has led me to embracing my true, authentic, essence and expressing myself unapologetically instead of consenting to suppress myself to fit in or make others comfortable or like me.

Understanding yourself is one of the most important things when it comes to living a life that is supportive of your health and well being ❤️.

Gabor Mate is an expert physician who specialises in neurology. He has ADHD himself and in this clip explains the truth about the condition.📺 Watch the full...

30/06/2024

One sign of an emotionally mature parent is being able to listen to your child and/or adult child’s experience of you as a parent and their childhood.

The moment you get defensive, or tell them that’s not true, or that’s not how you feel, or talk about how hard it was for you, is the moment you break that relational safety and push your child away.

The reason why it’s so important for you to listen AND validate their experience, is so that they continue to trust themselves when they feel like something is off in a relationship.

If you deny, defend yourself, or guilt trip them, you will begin teaching them not to trust themselves and we all know how dangerous that is especially in relationship dynamics!

So to be able to get to the point where you can validate their experience, without guilt and shame having you turn against yourself or your child/ren, you NEED to start working on the relationship you have with yourself.

An emotionally mature person is able to self reflect AND empathise, without beating themselves up for their own mistakes.

29/06/2024

For the first 12 years of my life I spent Tuesday evenings, Thursday evenings and Sunday mornings at the Kingdom Hall (Jehovah’s witnesses church).

So at an age where kids were out with friends playing and having fun, I was having to put on a suit and tie and sit through talks about how the world is soon ending and how we need to make sure that we are on the right side when Armageddon comes.

Not only did I miss out on being a kid, but my brain was trying to develop in a constant state of fear and survival.

Me and my brother would say to each other that we are scared of dad being killed at Armageddon.

Can you imagine 2 kids having to carry the weight of that around with them everyday.

I struggle with a lot of ‘normal things’ that most people don’t even bat an eye at and my own personal work has been learning to be gentle and compassionate with those fragile parts of myself.

This is not a poor me, I do not need pity or sympathy, I am not broken, nor do I need fixing, it’s just something that was on my mind this morning that I wanted to share.