09/03/2025
Some recent moments of joy and some reflections on transformation:
Last year, some of my happiest moments were alone in stillness, sat at my bedroom window, in wonder about how my life could be This. I was so grateful, so humbled, so filled with love and joy. So when I ended my incredibly loving long term relationship, came out as a le***an, and lost my housing stability, I doubted that I would ever get back to that place of joy. I thought, even if I ever did, it would take me years to rebuild, to find my way back to myself through this new identity, this new home, this new self.
It felt like being birthed into the world afresh, and those moments by the window, watching the swans on the river, felt a million miles away. But then this morning, I sat in my new garden in the sun, in a house I own (!) and I thought. My god, I've actually never been happier than right now. For months I have been taking baby steps that sometimes felt like giant leaps into the unknown, one at a time, into a future and a life that I could not see yet, one I couldn't fathom. It has just been these past couple of weeks that I am finally softening into joy, unfolding those wings that have been growing inside my back for these past few months.
That's what it is to transform, I think - to re-find joy in different ways, in ways that you'll have to fall to find, getting lost in order to find yourself and your heart again. There is no knowing the future, no transformation you can find within your comfort zone, no way forward but to trust that you'll find the ground beneath you, even if the fall is long.
Also, Happy International Women's day, I love to internationally woman, love it when you all woman internationally too.
