19/01/2026
๐๐ข๐ฏ๐จ๐ซ๐๐ ๐ซ๐๐ซ๐๐ฅ๐ฒ ๐ก๐๐ฉ๐ฉ๐๐ง๐ฌ ๐๐๐๐๐ฎ๐ฌ๐ ๐จ๐ ๐จ๐ง๐ ๐ฆ๐๐ฃ๐จ๐ซ ๐ข๐ง๐๐ข๐๐๐ง๐ญ.
More often, it is the slow erosion of emotional safety, trust, and connection.
For me, the loss of emotional safety in my marriage began when anger outbursts and name-calling appeared early on.
At that time, we had just had our baby. I saw the red flag but ignored it.
I made excuses for him.
He was tired.
He was stressed.
Maybe I triggered him.
So slowly, I silenced myself to avoid setting him off.
I didnโt set boundaries around how I wanted to be treated.
I didnโt ask for help with the baby, and carried the full weight of caregiving on my own.
I didnโt tell anyone what I was going through.
I felt too ashamed to admit that my husband had an anger problem and was emotionally abusive.
Over time, I became emotionally numb.
Not because I stopped loving, but because my nervous system shut down to cope.
And slowly but surely, the feeling of love began to fade.
I no longer felt emotionally safe in my marriage.
And that was how my marriage eventually ended in divorce.
Poor management of anger, in other words, poor emotional regulation, is one of the biggest reasons why many marriages break down.
It happened in my own marriage, I've seen it in hundreds of couples I worked with when I was working in the Family Court, and now in my private practice.
Feeling anger in itself is not the problem.
Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion.
But how anger is expressed toward a spouse is what determines whether a relationship feels safe or threatening.
I have seen far too many women (and men) make excuses for their partnerโs anger, attributing it to stress.
The truth is: this is often not a stress problem.
It is a nervous system dysregulation and unresolved childhood trauma problem.
If anger is a problem in your marriage, here are some ways to defuse anger during conflict:
โข Pause before responding. Consider the words you are about to say. A short moment of consideration can prevent words you later regret.
โข Speak from feelings, not accusations. Saying โI feel hurtโ invites connection. Saying โYou always hurt meโ invites defensiveness.
โข Notice when your body is flooded. Racing heart, tight chest, numbness, or shaking are signs your nervous system is overwhelmed. This is the time to pause, not push through.
โข Return to the conversation with repair. A simple โCan we try again?โ or โI'm sorry, I didnโt mean to hurt youโ can restore safety more than being right.
These are some steps one can take. But if there are repeated episodes of anger, perhaps, there are deeper issues in your marriage that need to be addressed.
If you are silently suffering in a marriage where your spouse has an anger problem, please donโt suffer alone. Reach out for support.
And if you are the one with the anger problem, donโt hide in shame either.
Therapy can help.
P.S That was me about 15 years ago, sitting in the silence of my marriage.
If you are wondering if you should leave or stay in your marriage, I have a free workbook guide to help you think through this. DM me "GUIDE" and I'll send it over.
