14/01/2023
Oh me where do I even begin!!
Let's start approximately 6-8 weeks ago.
I was thinking of doing a lateral job transfer and we were looking into land in Oklahoma. We took a road trip to check it out. Instantly I knew it was what I was looking for. My commute to my current job seemed endless and was making me weary added to high volume influx of patients. Mike and I returned from that trip with not to much words said. I knew he was processing. About 2wks later we were eating breakfast at a local diner here in Pilot Point, when I decided to bring up the subject. My Sugs looked me directly in the eye put his fork down... Theses words followed I'm not going to live forever and we're moving further away from family. I felt like I'd been suckered punch and we were both trying to keep the tears from spilling over. I instantly knew he was right and we dropped the matter. But still I was unhappy, tired, doubt about am I still capable kept creeping in. I was becoming self-centered, ungrateful and just selfish. I could hear our Pastor from Lubbock "that's the most dangerous fish in the sea" Because we are born into sinful nature, I realized I was disconnected from the One where my true happiness came from. Before I came to this realization there was lots of tension in this home. I was like a bomb just waiting to detonate. I realized something drastic needed to change because I was getting nowhere and the tension was building. During that road trip I was reading a book I borrowed from a friend Dewey titled The Harbinger. Y'all if you haven't read this book I highly recommend. This is about 9/11 and how we are living out bible prophecy in America today. This prophecy comes from Isaiah 9:10. Dewey was right when she said "it'll make you think" As I read this book I did lots of research on google and all the things checked out. I got sick shortly after this trip. I rested did light walking on the treadmill but after 6 days I was back at work not healed but my stubborn self kept pushing. Christmas was nearing and I had been thinking about what I need to subtract or add to my daily routine to get back on track because I knew I was disconnected from the One where true joy is found. By New's Eve I had disabled my facebook and instagram accounts. I knew I needed a more bible quiet time routine that was more structured. I found myself just reading just to mark a checkmark on that thing I do. First I wrote a prayer on a sheet of paper. I was asking God to overflow me with zeal for HIs Word to open the eyes of my heart so I can see the wonderful things when I read my bible. I asked HIm to help me devote more time this year to study His word. Because I need real hope to face the entire year. I asked HIm to fill me with joy and peace so that I may respond in gentleness, patience, humility and forgiveness. This was the beginning of me adjusting my attitude and having peace in our home. Because when you're not being selfish you can see the bigger picture. Fast forward now to the last 2 weeks. I had a relapse of being sick for 6 days I rested and did little to nothing but I knew this was something bigger. I self diagnosed myself with pneumonia. God has a way of making you be still and when you're as stubborn as me it requires a drastic step to make you be still. I went back to work 6 days later and a chest xray confirmed my diagnosis bilateral pneumonia. It's abnormal to hear to lungs wheezing as you breath and just showering and dressing left me winded. I'm not for the most part a compliant patient with it comes to meds. Dr Jason Phillips said steroids and antibiotics for 10days we agreed to 5 days of steroids, but when I say this was bigger than any over the counter meds could of helped with. Today I am still being compliant with meds. Dr Phillips checked in on me earlier this week to see how I was feeling. I told him the wheezing had finally subsided. He said "you push yourself like I do" The man's a workaholic. My work ethic was instilled in me at a young age. I question whether it's a blessing or curse. It's mostly a blessing if I'm being honest. My response to him after that text was... should I run the 10k I'm signed up for on Saturday. HIs reply depends how you feel and weather. He even looked up the weather for Saturday said it would be nice make sure to carry an inhaler. It wasn't until last night that I told my Sugs aka Michael W. Everett that I signed up for this virtual race. He looks at me and says I'm gonna have to go with you make sure you're ok. I said no I'll be okay I'll be smart about it. When you're not mindlessly scrolling your phone, your sick and the meds keep you up all night you can get tons of reading done. Another great book The HIding Place by Corrie Ten Boom google her if your not familiar I finished this book in less than 24 hrs. This was during the war with Germany and hiding the Jews. Only God could have done what He did. We are 2 weeks into this year and I'm reading my 5th book. I knew I was still suffering with doubt and fear. So, I'm currently reading Can't Hurt Me by David Goggins. Talk about mental toughness. It's easy to point blame and talk about the cards you've been dealt. But if you don't deal with that doubt and fear when those trials come again you won't have a solid foundation and which to combat those thoughts you let creep in. It's the same with our faith and our relationship with God if we don't have that solid foundation we'll get washed away. So when the first of the year came I knew I needed more structure to my morning habits. Not only did I write a prayer to start my quiet time to help get me into the proper frame of mind. I knew I'd never read all the Gospels except for John I read that Gospel 4 times last year as my Sugs said to me if you want to understand Jesus read John so, I did multiple times and everytime I took away a new nugget. I'm not really a journaler but I got me a notebook while I read these Gospels I'm highlighting every question Jesus asked, taking notes about what answer He might have been looking for. Also taking note of the added details in some Gospels(and why the writers of the other gospels might have left things out) and what they tell about a more complete picture of Jesus as well as who wrote the gospels. I thrive and do so much better when I've got a structured plan. Not only in my morning quiet time but also when it comes to my fitness. I tend to do better when I follow a program that tells me exactly what to do everyday. Being a Christian is a daily thing as well as living a healthy lifestyle. We get to choose. God is interested in the choices we make but we have the final say. Remember to put Jesus first. Last night I hardly slept I saw every hour come and go beginning at 1:00am. I was recalling a sermon our current pastor had preached not long ago. About it was his job to keep the fire going at our camp for our outreach program. I realized the few embers I had left in me were dying out and I needed to fan those embers to make them hot again. This morning I was out on those trails before 7:30 am I knew I needed to face my doubt and fears so that I could start on that solid foundation because the devil is waiting to devour at every opportune time. My mind was your here for the distance Matilda. This journey is a marathon not a sprint. But when I finished the first 2 miles I looked at my time and that inner competitor kicked in saying "lets go for negative splits" boy was I quickly convicted. All I heard was finish your race so that you will one day hear good job my faithful servant. When I first started I was having a hard time breathing but soon I had my nasal breathing and cadence in sync. All the while thinking of David Goggins to help inspire me to push past the hard. Yesterday my fitness trainer gave this acronym for GRIT= Grit Requires Internal Toughness. Sometimes you just need a swift kick to stop the pity party and realize that you've let yourself become disconnected from the One where true joy, strength and love abide In. All this to say if you find yourself spiralling down, it's time to do a heart check. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't expect to keep doing the same thing and the results are a different outcome that won't happen unless you change what you're doing. To say God has been working on me is an understatement. What I feel today is gratitude because no matter how many times I fall short and I do daily God never stops loving us. What I say is Jesus thank you for the precious gifts You give that masterfully come together like pieces of a puzzle.
There's nothing better than nature to help you heal. It's like the air is different. Oh and something else I did a while back I was on these trails with my friend Susan Schoor she was having a bad day. Both times I passed that bench to let you catch your breath I said a prayer for you my friend. It's so much easier to empathize with someone when you, yourself can't get air to just breath. In my case in was just finding rhythm to control my breathing. I don't have a malignant mass constricting my airway. You my friend are a true warrior.
I'll leave you with this...
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
