Heart Mind & Soul Counseling, LLC

04/28/2026

I had such a fun time speaking with the Hampton Lakes Women's Group earlier this month about how and why we get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves. Lots of laughs and insights. Thank you, Molly Breazeale, for the invite. 💚

04/25/2026

Uh oh! You said no to something, and now you're flooded with guilt! What do you do? I have a few suggestions in this month's CH2 article. 💚

You Said ‘No.’ You Feel Guilty. Now What?

Article by Sheila Tucker

You notice a dart of their eyes. A catch in their breath. A slight stammer when they begin to speak.

Uh-oh. What have I done?
This one simple question opens the floodgates. More thoughts rush in. Have I made them mad? Will I be outcast? How do I fix this? I don’t want them mad at me.

Your brain drafts the “Actually, yes, I can make it work.” response.

Then – plot twist – you stay silent. Eventually, you say “no.”
In those crucial few minutes after saying “no,” and you don’t take it back, that’s when the real shift happens. Staying silent is the practice, even while your nervous system protests.

What you’ve done is disrupted a long-standing pattern. And it’s likely going to cause a flood of feelings – the kind that usually result in you changing your answer to “yes.”

If you’re used to being the reliable one, the flexible one, or the one who smooths things over, your system reads your “no” as a threat to connection.
Belonging has always mattered. It still does. But there’s often a story that confuses belonging with self-abandonment. When you don’t reverse your decision, something subtle but profound begins to unfold.

But first, your anxiety spikes.
That’s normal. You’re trying something new. You’re also tolerating the possibility, real or imagined, that someone might be disappointed. And they might be. If you learned early on to manage, or thought you could control, others’ emotions, that tolerance is brand new territory.

Then, you begin to realize that the world (your world) does not collapse when you say “no.” Somehow, your relationship does not evaporate, and the other person adjusts.

Or maybe they don’t. Maybe they bristle. Maybe they push.
When you stay with your “no,” you gather data. You learn who can tolerate your limits and boundaries. You begin to see where your compliance was quietly propping up a dynamic.

Every time you resist the urge to override yourself, you send a message inward: I will not abandon you. I love you. You are important, too.

That message matters. Especially if you have a history of abandoning your own feelings for someone else’s.

I’m sorry to say the discomfort doesn’t disappear overnight.

However, with each repetition, it begins to soften. Every
opportunity to say “no” widens your capacity to hold disappointment (yours and others’) without scrambling to fix it.

Over time, “no” stops feeling like rejection. Instead, it starts feeling true to your time and energy constraints because you’ve thought it through.

Side note: I’m talking about a genuine, heartfelt “no” – one that’s born of awareness of your values and the time and energy you have to give, not one that shows up to “teach” the other person a lesson or to make a point.

When you’re ready to flex your “no” muscle, here are a few steps you can take in moments after saying “no.”

1. Name what’s happening.
Instead of assuming guilt means you did something wrong, try naming it accurately: “This is uncomfortable. This is my nervous system reacting to trying something new.” When you label the experience, you create space from it.

Oftentimes, this translates into the guilt or discomfort not feeling as intense.

2. Notice the urge to manage their feelings.

This is often harder than uttering the word “no.” I’m suggesting you tolerate someone else’s reaction. More than likely, the impulse shows up quickly: You start rehearsing explanations. You add qualifiers. You offer alternatives you don’t really want to give. You try to cushion their disappointment.
Yes, definitely communicate respectfully and be clear.

However, it’s not your job to eliminate someone else’s frustration, disappointment, or inconvenience. Let them have their feelings. They’re allowed, and so are you.

3. Check for values.
Ask yourself one clarifying question: Did I violate my values, or did I violate someone’s expectations? True guilt signals misalignment with your integrity. Conditioned guilt signals misalignment with a role you’ve been playing. Those are not the same thing. If your “no” was honest and aligned, let the discomfort be evidence of growth, not wrongdoing.

4. Resist the immediate repair.
Although you might be compelled, you don’t have to over-explain your answer. Discomfort might feel like an emergency. It’s not. The urgency to reverse your decision is an attempt to calm your nervous system. So, calm it directly instead of renegotiating your boundary. Step outside. Notice five things you see. Put your feet on the ground. Move your body. Remind yourself you are safe.

5. Pay attention to the response.
If you disappoint someone in a healthy relationship, they might not like it, but they will understand. If someone withdraws, shames, or pressures you, it doesn’t mean you were wrong. It does, however, say something about the other person.

Every time you stay with your answer, even while your mind begs you to reconsider, you build evidence that you can survive someone else’s disappointment. Even more importantly, you begin to recognize that your needs matter, too. And you don’t need to self-abandon to be accepted.
The conditioned guilt? Well, it may continue to hang around a bit. But it will become more manageable and might even fade away.

The next time you say “no” and your nervous system loudly protests, get curious and check in. Believe it or not, these feelings and sensations aren’t necessarily a sign to change your answer to “yes.” Instead, it might simply be a reminder that you’re trying something new and stretching yourself to make decisions that are aligned with your time and energy.

04/04/2026

Statement from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) on SCOTUS Decision Regarding Conversion Therapy for Minors

Read the full SCOTUS brief here
https://ow.ly/3CvM50YBSEt
Read the full Amicus brief here
https://ow.ly/tLgR50YBSEs

01/27/2026

01/03/2026

Happy New Year!

Before you dive headfirst into your New Year's resolution, you may want to read this first.

✍️Article by: Me, Sheila Tucker
📸 Photo by: MKat
📚Published in: CH2 Magazine/January 2026

Less Pressure More Purpose
Crafting Values-Centered Resolutions

It’s that time of year again. You know – the one where you have to wait 30 minutes to use the treadmill or leg press. Yep, it’s resolution time. The gym is packed, organic veggies are sold out, and there’s a resurgence of Stanley tumblers because you’ve got to increase your hydration.

You go strong in the beginning, pumped and ready for change. Then slowly, you begin to sleep in or make deals with yourself. “I’ll skip today, but I’ll get back on track tomorrow.”

You and I both know that pattern will likely begin to wear itself out. The slide has been greased, and there’s no amount of gripping at the edges that will prevent you from slipping and sliding to the bottom.

Every year, you excitedly tell yourself, “It will be different this time.” Then you find yourself uttering the phrase, “Maybe next year.”

It’s easy to assume the problem is a lack of willpower. “If I were more disciplined, I’d stick with it,” you might tell yourself. But often, the issue isn’t your discipline. It’s your alignment.

You’re far more likely to follow through on your New Year’s resolutions when they grow out of your core values rather than out of guilt, comparison, or “shoulds.” When your goals reflect what truly matters to you, they stop feeling like another check mark on your to-do list and start feeling more like a choice.

Values are a tricky concept. Most people know what they are, but don’t really know what they are. Let me help.

According to Brené Brown, values are “a way of being or believing that we hold most important.” She defines values as principles that guide your actions and decisions. In short, values define how you show up in the world. They’re the qualities and experiences that make life feel meaningful, such as:

• Connection

• Freedom

• Growth

• Creativity

• Health

• Adventure

• Stability

Another way to think of values is as the “why” behind your actions. Or, if your life were a compass, your values would be the north star that helps you choose your direction.

For clarity, values differ from goals. A goal is something you can check off: “Run a 5K” or “Save $1,000.” A value is ongoing: “Be responsible with money” or “Keep learning.”

Goals can be completed. Values are lived, moment by moment, through the choices you make.

Why have your values match your resolutions?

Resolutions that don’t match your values usually come from outside pressure: “I should lose weight.” “I should make more money.” “I should be more productive.” (You can read more on my thoughts about productivity in the November 2025 issue of CH2/CB2)

“Should”ing all over yourself usually leads to resistance, dread, a sense of pushing against yourself, or all of the above.

Meanwhile, when your resolutions are rooted in your values, you’re setting yourself up for greater success. You might even notice:

• Your motivation feels steadier.

Instead of forcing yourself to go to the gym because you “have to,” you remember you’re honoring your value of health or energy. The workout becomes an act of support for your future self, not punishment for your current one. (By the way, ouch, that’s not nice.)

• Setbacks don’t derail you as easily.

If your resolution is aligned with your value of growth, missing a day or two doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It simply becomes feedback, and you start again because your value is still important to you.

• The entire process is more meaningful.

Achieving a goal that isn’t tied to your values can feel surprisingly unsatisfying and empty. When your goals arise from what matters most, the process and the outcome both feel more fulfilling.

Think of it this way: resolutions are the “what.” Values are the “why.” Without a clear “why,” the “what” doesn’t have enough fuel.

How to discover your values

If you’ve never named your values, you’re not alone. I’ll be the first to tell you, when given a long list of possibilities, I want to choose them all. Narrowing it down to two or three becomes almost impossible. Instead of giving you that list, here are a few exercises to guide you. Oh, and it should be noted, there are no wrong answers.

Think of times in your life when you felt deeply alive, proud, or at peace. Maybe it was:

• A quiet walk with a loved one

• Completing a challenging project

• Traveling somewhere new

• Helping someone through a hard time

Ask yourself: What made that moment meaningful?

You might find values like connection, achievement, adventure, service, or beauty hiding in those memories.

Pay attention to what hurts.

It may seem counterintuitive, but your values also surface when you feel most frustrated, angry, or disappointed.

If you feel outraged by unfairness, you may value justice or equality.

If you find small talk boring, you may value depth and intimacy.

If you feel trapped in rigid routines, you may value freedom or spontaneity.

Pain often points to a value that feels ignored or violated.

Try the “perfect day” exercise.

Imagine a day when you feel content and aligned. It doesn’t have to be glamorous. Walk through it from morning to night.

How do you spend your time?

Who are you with?

What are you doing for work, rest, or fun?

Look for themes: Do you see simplicity, connection, creativity, contribution, learning, or play?

Those themes are clues to your values.

Now choose your top five.

From everything you’ve noticed, make a list of words that resonate. Then gently narrow it down to three to five core values. Pay attention to any words you mentioned more than once.

Don’t worry, you’re not throwing the others away. You’re simply choosing the top five that feel most central right now.

How do your values fit with your resolutions?

Once you’ve named your values, can you match them to your resolutions, or create a resolution that’s aligned with them?

Let’s say your values are connection, health, and creativity.

Instead of default resolutions like “Lose 15 pounds” or “Be more productive,” change it to be more specific:

• To lean into your value of health, commit to cooking one nourishing meal two nights a week.

• If connection is your value, plan a monthly phone call or coffee date with a friend.

• To support your value of creativity, spend 20 minutes on a creative hobby two times a week.

These resolutions are specific and doable, and they clearly connect back to what matters most.

When you’re tired or tempted to quit, you can ask, “Which value am I caring for if I take this step?” That question reconnects you to your “why.”

You don’t need a “new you” to have a new year. Instead, try a clearer connection to who you already are and what you truly value.

Before you declare your resolutions, pause. Give yourself a little time to explore your values. When your resolutions and your values are on the same team, you’re no longer forcing yourself into someone else’s vision. You’re building a life that fits.

And that’s the kind of change that lasts longer than January.

12/23/2025

We tend to hang onto that one negative event of the day. Even when there were a thousand things that went right. However, what if you paid equal attention to that okay thing?

When you notice a glimmer, even for a second, your body gets the message: You’re safe right now. There’s a slight release of your muscles. Your breathing begins to steady. Your shoulders move ever so slightly away from your ears. Your capacity for connection and curiosity expands.

My latest CH2 Magazine article explores this exact concept.

Happy Holidays!

Twinkle Lights for the Soul

Article by Sheila Tucker
Photography by Maggie Washo

I’ll be the first to tell you that I approach the time change like a toddler being put down for a nap. I fight it all the way. As much as I love the idea of an extra hour of sleep, I never seem to get it.

Simply put, I’m not a fan of the shorter days and longer nights. Even a month in, I’m still not used to it.

However, there is a part of this season that I do love: It’s the twinkling of holiday lights and sitting in front of a fire. Everything is so pretty in the firelight, and any time twinkling lights are involved. For me, these lights symbolize togetherness, coziness, and connection. Just thinking about over-the-top, Clark Griswold-inspired decorations brings a smile to my face.

I also know you don’t have to limit looking for twinkling lights only in darkness. Dare I say, you can also look for light in your everyday life.

I call them “glimmers.”

One day, as I was sitting in my office with the sun shining through the windows, the sparkling remnants of a glitter-infused project caught my eye. I immediately smiled, remembering all the fun and the quick mental health lessons that happened that day. Because, yes, there can be a mental health message in glitter.

I describe glimmers as the times when something brings you peace or a smile to your face, even if it’s only slight.

Although I excitedly thought I came up with this original idea, the term was first coined by Deb Dana, a clinician and author known for her work with Polyvagal Theory. She describes glimmers as “micro-moments of safety, connection, and regulation that help a person’s nervous system feel calm and centered, even amidst suffering.” They’re the small, often fleeting moments that quietly remind you and your nervous system that safety and connection still exist.

And they’re literally everywhere, yet so easy to miss. Especially when life feels like a nonstop to-do list.

Your nervous system is constantly scanning the environment for cues of safety and danger. This process happens below your conscious awareness and influences everything from how easily you connect with others to how you process stress.

When you notice a glimmer, even for a second, your body gets the message: You’re safe right now. There’s a slight release of your muscles. Your breathing begins to steady. Your shoulders move ever so slightly away from your ears. Your capacity for connection and curiosity expands.

Glimmers help us feel grounded and more present, which is particularly powerful for those who live in a state of chronic stress, anxiety, or emotional vigilance.

To be clear, noticing glimmers doesn’t mean pretending everything’s OK when it isn’t. Unfortunately, they’re not erasers, wiping away your negative experiences or feelings. Instead, it’s about recognizing that safety and calm can coexist with uncertainty and chaos. Even during hard seasons, your body can learn to find its way back to steadiness, one small signal at a time.

It takes practice to notice the subtle.

Our brains are wired with a negativity bias. It’s a survival mechanism that prioritizes potential threats over pleasant experiences, like focusing on that one thing that went wrong today, instead of the many that turned out OK. Thousands of years ago, this helped us stay alive. Today, it can steal your time and happiness, rather than allowing you to sit in the glow of a sunset or be present with the people you love the most.

But the incredible thing about the nervous system is that it can be retrained. Each time you recognize a glimmer, you strengthen neural pathways that make calm and safety easier to access in the future.

Here’s a quick practice to get you started: As you go about your day, be on the lookout for situations that make you smile, even slightly, or make you utter “yes” under your breath.

Notice what it feels like in your body.

That’s your glimmer.

Here are a few of my personal examples:

• Hearing my dog snore (especially after a really long walk)

• Watching the birds visiting my bird feeder

• Catching a green light at an intersection known for a long red light

Yours could be:

• Feeling a gentle breeze on your face

• The sound of your children giggling

• Hearing your favorite song while driving to work

By acknowledging these moments, you’re teaching your body that peace is possible, even if it’s fleeting. Over time, your awareness expands, and instead of looking for glimmers, they begin to appear in the most unexpected places, like when you’re pumping gas or grocery shopping.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not suggesting the concept of glimmers to a client. I do it because it’s an easy win. In real time, you can have proof that you don’t have to overhaul your life to feel a sense of ease or tap into your curiosity. You just have to notice what’s already there.

When you ignore these micro-moments, life can start to feel like an endurance test. It can be easy to spiral into a state of doom and gloom or hopelessness.

When you pause to see them, you begin to experience yourself and your situations differently. Your world starts to widen. You become a little more open and a little more curious. Relationships have the capacity to deepen because you can connect from a regulated place rather than a reactive one. (I often say, “No one wants to hug a cactus.”)

Glimmers remind us that joy and peace don’t always arrive in grand gestures. They live in ordinary, often overlooked moments, the ones that make up most of our days.

Each small noticing is an act of care. Each moment of awareness is a soft reminder to your nervous system that safety, connection, and goodness still exist.

The more you notice glimmers, the more you feel them.

The more you feel them, the more they grow.

And perhaps that’s the quiet magic of glimmers.

They will teach you how to come home to yourself, one ordinary, extraordinary moment at a time. Especially during these longer nights of winter.

10/16/2025

When you listen to music, you’re not just hearing sound. You’re participating in a connection. A favorite song can take you back to a moment in time, linking you to people you love or places you’ve been. And for some, it can give you goosebumps.

I hope you enjoy this article all about music frisson. Read more to find out what I'm talking about.

CH2 Magazine

When a Melody Feels Like Magic

Article by Sheila Tucker
Photography by Maggie Washo

It doesn’t happen every time. However, it has happened so many times that I’ve lost count. I’m listening to a song. And there’s no other way I can convey it, other than to say the music or the lyrics, or both, deeply touch my soul. It’s a visceral, full-body experience that can even leave the top of my head tingling. In an instant, chills race up my arms and the back of my neck.

Sometimes I smile, and other times I’m totally mesmerized, my gaze transfixed. Like when a chorus drops and suddenly you’re weightless, floating in a lavender haze. Goosebumps immediately take over where the chills left off, and then I’m left with this flooding sense of awe.

This spine-tingling phenomenon has a name. It’s called “frisson,” or in this case, “musical frisson.”

I naively thought everyone experienced it. A conversation with a friend proved that’s not true. When she hears music, she doesn’t have the same reaction. The music still moves her; and sometimes she’ll tear up, smile, or sing with passion when the lyrics are especially meaningful. But still, no chills or goosebumps. Turns out, only about 50% to 55% of people experience frisson – which, of course, made me immediately want to know why.

A small study in 2016, led by Matthew Sachs, then a PhD student at the University of Southern California, looked at 20 participants. He found that 10 participants consistently reported chills from music, and 10 didn’t. Brain scans revealed differences between the two groups.

Individuals in the frisson group had stronger fiber connections between the auditory cortex (which processes sound) and areas of the brain associated with emotion. They also showed higher activity in the prefrontal cortex, which helps us interpret meaning, such as the story within a song’s lyrics.

Musical frisson isn’t just in your head. It affects your entire nervous system.

According to Dr. Haley Nelson, a neuroscientist, frisson is characterized by a rush of dopamine, the neurotransmitter linked with pleasure and reward.

There’s another theory that suggests a connection to your nervous system response. Musical chills might be the result of the shifts between your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) and your sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn). Those spine-tingling thrills happen when your nervous system toggles between calm and aroused states.

Sachs explained: “People who get the chills have an enhanced ability to experience intense emotions.” While his study focused on music, these findings can be easily extended to other experiences as well. In my personal experience, I agree. I’ve had the same goosebump experience while watching a sunset in the mountains, listening to an empowering speech, on a hike, at a theatre performance, and at an art exhibit.

Never fear. For those of you who don’t experience frisson, there are still so many mental health benefits to engaging in music (and the arts).

According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, listening to music can:

• Reduce anxiety, blood pressure, and pain

• Improve sleep quality

• Boost mood, alertness, and memory

For those wondering, the amount of time required varies depending on your desired outcome. Combined, it’s about five minutes to one hour a day, consistently, to reap those health benefits. And here’s more good news: It doesn’t matter what you listen to.

Consider this your unofficial permission slip. Listen to your favorite local artist, go to that concert or musical, and buy that vinyl. Or, better yet, pick up that guitar you’ve been saying you’re going to start playing. I mean, it’s for your health.

Even though you reap all the health benefits from listening to the music you love, I also suggest exposing yourself to music outside your comfort zone. Try different decades, cultures, or styles. Why? Additional research suggests that listening to unfamiliar genres may have a similar effect on the brain as weightlifting, helping to build new neural pathways. And who doesn’t want those?

So, in addition to pressing repeat on your go-to playlist, try a little musical cross-training. Explore jazz if you usually love pop. Give classical, hip-hop, folk, or indie a chance. Notice how your body reacts. Do you lean in? Do you resist? Do you get goosebumps while listening to some genres but not others? Stay curious and keep experimenting.

Frisson aside, there’s one thing I know for sure. Music is all about relationships. There’s a relationship between the notes, between the musicians creating the music, the producers, mixers, and the listeners. You don’t have to experience frisson to enjoy connection and mental well-being.

When you listen to music, you’re not just hearing sound. You’re participating in a connection. A favorite song can take you back to a moment in time, linking you to people you love or places you’ve been. Music’s rhythms, lyrics, or chords can tether us to each other in ways words alone sometimes can’t. You know, those nights when the music insists that we are family, even if you’ve never met.

And, yes, there’s research to back this up. The research consistently shows that strong social bonds or connections reduce anxiety, buffer stress, and even lower risks of depression and chronic illness.

Music amplifies this effect by giving you shared experiences – like when the lights brighten, and the entire crowd belts out “Don’t Stop Believin’” in unison, or swaying shoulder to shoulder at a concert, or experiencing a connection with the artist when you feel understood through a song’s story. That sense of being seen, heard, and joined by others reminds our nervous system that we’re safe, supported, and not alone.

Go ahead! Sing along to your favorite band, explore something new, and see what kind of goosebumps (or connections) follow.

08/09/2025

08/01/2025

EEEKKK!!! The Lowcountry Mental Health Conference started the day strong with one of my favorite teachers and mentors, Dr. Ramani! I could seriously learn from her all day.

08/01/2025

You’re not lazy.
You’re not behind.
You don’t need to prove your exhaustion.
You’re allowed to pause.
And you’re still lovable when you do. 💚

07/25/2025

🎙 In the sound booth today, recording a few meditations that I'm adding to my (still being created) resource and free stuff page. 💚

Side note: I never thought being in a dimly lit, padded room would be so...comforting. 🤣 But here I am, a non-napper, contemplating a nap. 💤

07/19/2025

My husband gifted me this quote, courtesy of his former therapist, Tom. It's too great not to share. Right?

Annnndddd yes, generalizations are seldom true… including this one. But seriously, try telling that to your overthinking brain at 3 a.m. (or any time, really). 🙃

***Credit where credit is due: A version of this quote has been uttered or written by too many humorists to name. 💚