08/18/2024
It’s a long read, but necessary.
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Why I am retiring from midwifery
So I’ve been meaning to write this for a couple of days. I know it might come as a surprise, but it’s something I’ve been contemplating for a while.
I started birth work in 2008 by being a doula, and offering physical, emotional, informational, and sometimes spiritual support to singles and couples in labor. I got my doula certification through DONA in 2010. I had some significant life changes in 2012, and after some pretty severe depression, I stopped homeschooling my kids and started on the path towards midwifery. In November 2015, I passed my test as a certified professional midwife and was licensed by the state of Arizona.
In that time I’ve learned so much. I worked with amazing preceptors Robin Sharples-Ray and Lynnette Casey. And I have some beautiful memories of working with Wendi Cleckner, Joanna Wilder, Diane Bajus, Morgann Burres, and Pam White, among others. I learned amazing information from each and every one of them. I’ve been able to be a part of the teaching process with midwifery students, and help them see not just the skills, but the critical thinking and HEART of this profession.
Midwifery is one of those careers people say you’re “called to”… meaning the work you do (but not often what you’re paid for it!) is way more than a 9-5 job. It not something that you clock out of and then clock back in for. Between 36 and 42 weeks of someone’s pregnancy, you’re on-call 24/7. You make sacrifices – in your lifestyle (you need to be available to drop everything and run to a birth); you take individual cars to any place that is more than 15 minutes away or if you’re significant other wouldn’t be able to take you home if you were needed by a family. There are no spontaneous vacations. There are no crazy nights out at the club. You think about these families every day. In my case, I pray for them, texted them, considered how I could help them whether it’s before the birth or after. These families became precious to me. They were “my” mamas. Their babies were “my” babies.
I don’t know how many people realize this, but most of the community midwives I know are heartbroken when there is a “less than ideal outcome,” even if it was the right call professionally. We midwives worry about how the family will handle it. We worry about what the client might say in social media, that we can’t respond to because of privacy. We always worry about the state rules and regulations because CPMs often can’t practice within our scope and follow the rules at the same time. We may have to leave our kids at a moments notice, or not be there for their show, or big game, or their birthday. And our significant other picks up everything that we would’ve done, plus their regular responsibilities… and for an unknown amount of time!
When we’re not on call, we’re busy with prenatal appointments, postpartum appointments, consultations with prospective new clients, and running a business. Where is the balance between how many clients we want, and how many we (and our family) can handle per month? What if there’s an overlap for a birth, or we can’t find someone to attend with you to make sure there are two capable people at a birth? God forbid, what happens if there’s a bad outcome? Not only is the family traumatized, but as a midwife, we can’t help but think “Did I do everything right? What if I had done this thing instead? Did I make all the right calls?”
As an empath, those situations weighed heavier and heavier on me through the years. I was devastated when a family’s daughter Colbie went to be with Jesus at 20 days old. I was heartsick when someone went into labor at 35 or 42 weeks, and I couldn’t be with them at the birth because of my state rules and regulations. I wanted to cry with clients when they had planned and prepped so well for a homebirth and it ended up being a hospital birth. Or when a “surprise” baby became “God’s extra blessing “, only to miscarry that baby days or weeks later. Yes, birth is powerful, and awesome, and beautiful. It’s also sacred, and raw, and hard. I actually loved being a part of it, even when it meant mourning with people.
But I was never one to go out and “find” clients. I worked pretty much solely on word-of-mouth. I didn’t spend money on optimizing search engines or trying to get as many interviews as I could. I let God send the people to me that I felt like might be benefited from me and that I would enjoy working with. So I didn’t have many clients. That DID work well for us, because I like to travel with my husband, John, and our kids have been through a lot of stuff and still really need mom’s help and concern, even though they’re adults. But midwifery skills are things that need to be used, and often. Even if someone has been a midwife for years and never done a full resuscitation on a newborn, they have to be prepared and confident that they could do it RIGHT NOW if needed. I feel like my skills are not where I’d like them to be, and the client load that I work with is not enough to stay proficient with them anymore. And it’s time to give the new midwives space to help the community.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be involved in the homebirth community! Community Birth Coalition is working hard to make legal changes in Arizona. I love Association of Midwives and the community that they’ve built. I love talking to random pregnant people I see at the grocery store, or at the gym, or at the movies, and telling them they look beautiful and encouraging them. And I’m always willing to hold a baby; it brings me great joy! But the responsibility for mom and baby is just more than I want right now. I’ve become more active at the gym that I work at, VASA Fitness, teaching eight classes a week over three days, and subbing in addition. In a lot of ways, being a gym instructor- whether it’s in a hiit class, a cycle class, Mixxedfit, or an aqua class- allows me to continue to help people. I feel like I’m representing Jesus well by being able to encourage folks in my classes; to help them take care of their body, and to connect with them and get to know them.
So to every family that I’ve come in contact with as: a doula, a student, a midwife, or in your postpartum time, I am thankful for you. I have a book full of memories that reminds me of your story. To be invited into someone’s pregnancy, labor, birth, and postpartum time is truly sacred to me.
If you’re a student, or a new midwife, or still on your journey as a birth worker… Enjoy your work! Love people! Bring education, and knowledge, and confidence, and unity to your families. If you’re annoyed, or burnt out, or don’t love what you do anymore, take a break, or find something else to do! This is too special of a time in peoples lives for us to not love what we’re doing.
I am proud of the almost 9 years of work I’ve done as a midwife, and the 16 years of work I’ve done in the birth community. If you miss me, text me! Hit me up for a coffee or wine date, or come try out one of my classes at the gym as my guest! My life is better because of these past 16 years in this amazing arena. My husband, John and my 4 kids are the reason I was able to do it. They put up with so much and encouraged me so many times. It’s the reason I was able to do this work so long. If you have a “birthy” memory of/with me, or a picture you don’t mind sharing, I would love to see it.
I send you all joy, and love, and peace. 💗
