Foregiveness Now, Berkeley, CA (2025)

02/09/2021

Sam Ness, thanks for your contribution with music and thank you for Dr. Enright.

University of Wisconsin- Madison's Dr. Robert Enright and Sam Ness discuss the topic of Forgiveness.Dr. Robert Enright:www.InternationalForgiveness.comSam Ne...

02/09/2021

Here is a brief description of the four phases of forgiveness.

Uncovering Phase
During this phase the individual becomes aware of the emotional pain that has resulted from a deep, unjust injury. Characteristic feelings of anger or even hatred may be present. As these negative emotions are confronted and the injury is honestly understood, individuals may experience considerable emotional distress. Deciding on the appropriate amount of energy to process this pain while still functioning effectively is an important consideration during this phase. However, as the anger and other negative emotions are brought out into the open, healing can begin to occur.

Decision Phase
The individual now realizes that to continue to focus on the injury and the injurer may cause more unnecessary suffering and begins to understand that a change must occur to go ahead in the healing process. This person may then experience a "heart conversion" or, in other words, a life change in a positive direction. The individual entertains the idea of forgiveness as a healing strategy and then, commits to forgiving the injurer who has caused him/her such pain. Complete forgiveness is not yet realized but the injured individual has decided to explore forgiveness and to take initial steps in the direction of full forgiveness. An important first step at this point is to forego any thoughts, feelings or intentions of revenge toward the injurer.

Work Phase
Here the forgiving individual begins the active work of forgiving the injurer. This phase may include new ways of thinking about the injurer. The injured individual may strive to understand the injurer's childhood or put the injurious event in context by understanding the pressures the injurer was under at the time of the offense. This new way of thinking is undertaken not to excuse the injurer of his/her responsibility for the offense, but rather to better understand him/her and to see the injurer as a member of the human community. Often, this new understanding may be accompanied by a willingness to experience empathy and compassion toward the offender. The work phase also includes the heart of forgiveness which is the acceptance of the pain that resulted from the actions of the injurer. This must not be confused with any sense of deserving the pain but rather a bearing of pain that has been unjustly given. As the individual bears the pain, he/she chooses not to pass it on to others, including the injurer. This is often where the challenge of a "quest for the good" is most evident. Indeed, the individual may now become ready to begin to offer goodwill toward the injurer in the form of merciful restraint, generosity, and moral love. This may or may not include reconciliation. The goodwill may be offered while at the same time taking into consideration current issues of trust and safety in the relationship between the individual and the injurer.

8 Keys to ForgivenessOutcome/Deepening Phase
In this phase the forgiving individual begins to realize that he/she is gaining emotional relief from the process of forgiving his/her injurer. The forgiving individual may find meaning in the suffering that he/she has faced. The emotional relief and new found meaning may lead to increased compassion for self and others. The individual may discover a new purpose in life and an active concern for his/her community. Thus, the forgiver discovers the paradox of forgiveness: as we give to others the gifts of mercy, generosity, and moral love, we ourselves are healed.

These four phases represent our understanding of the general pathway that people follow when they forgive someone who has unjustly injured them. See the complete 20 Step Process Model for details. Keep in mind that this process is not a rigid sequence and individuals may experience all or only some of the steps as they undertake the journey of forgiveness.

In addition to outlining this step-by-step approach of how to forgive in his book Forgiveness Is a Choice, Dr. Enright has recently produced a condensed version of the process in his latest book 8 Keys to Forgiveness. This hands-on guide walks readers through the process in 8 key steps, focusing on self-forgiveness as well as interpersonal forgiveness.

Find additional Information about the 20 Step Process Model in either of these books:

Forgiveness Is a Choice by Robert D. Enright, PhD.
8 Keys to Forgiveness by Robert D. Enright, PhD.

02/08/2021

How Do I Cultivate It?

According to Robert Enright, Fred Luskin, and other experts, forgiveness isn’t just for the deeply magnanimous among us; it’s both a choice and a trainable skill that almost anyone can learn.

Fortunately, research suggests that the capacity for forgiveness is an intrinsic part of human nature. Here are some research-based strategies for tapping into that capacity, whether you’re trying to forgive others, forgive yourself, or seek forgiveness from someone else.

View forgiveness as something for you, not a gift to someone else: In his Nine Steps to Forgiveness program, Fred Luskin emphasizes that forgiveness is best seen as something that will bring you peace, closure, and reduce your suffering—a point echoed by Jack Kornfield in this video.

Articulate your emotions: If you want to forgive or be forgiven, be willing to express how you’re feeling to others and to yourself. Ruminating on negative feelings is both unhealthy and unproductive. As the GGSC’s Christine Carter argues, this is an important lesson to teach kids as well.

Look for the silver lining: This can be a controversial tip, but research suggests that after someone hurts you, you can forgive more easily by reflecting on the personal benefits you may have gained through the transgression. Writing about those benefits might be especially helpful.

Make an effective apology: If you’re seeking forgiveness from others, studies suggest that apologizing will help—but weak apologies might only make things worse. Researcher Aaron Lazare has studied apologies for years, concluding that an effective apology has four parts: It acknowledges the offense, offers an explanation for the offense, expresses remorse or shame, and involves a reparation of some kind.

Cultivate empathy: When someone has been hurt, they’ll be more likely to forgive—and less likely to retaliate—if they can sense or imagine the distress or remorse felt by the person who hurt them. This might explain why apologies foster forgiveness.

Practice mindfulness: Training in mindfulness can help college students become more forgiving, perhaps because awareness of painful feelings is part of the process of forgiveness. More mindful people are also more forgiving of betrayal.

Humanize the Other through contact: Research in Northern Ireland found that people on both sides of the violence there were more likely to forgive if they came into contact with someone from the other side, perhaps because it reduced feelings of anger and encouraged them to see the other’s humanity.
Don’t let yourself off too easy: Research suggests that forgiving yourself for mistakes can sometimes reduce your empathy for others and your motivation to make amends. For a more healthy way to forgive yourself, read these research-based steps, which include empathizing with your victim and honestly reflecting on what you did wrong, or follow this process recommended by Rick Hanson.
Seek peace, not justice: In his forgiveness program, Robert Enright emphasizes that forgiveness is separate from justice. The people who hurt you may never get their just desserts, but that shouldn’t prevent you from moving on with your life.
Understand that forgiveness is a process: True forgiveness doesn’t happen in an instant; instead, it takes time and energy to achieve, and might not come easily.
Overcome barriers to forgiveness: Research reveals some common fears and concerns to address if we are resistant to forgiving.
Foster a forgiving school: Build a school climate of care and fairness in order to facilitate forgiveness among teachers and staff.
Raise forgiving kids: Parents can help kids learn forgiveness by modeling it themselves, and allowing kids to move through the process of forgiveness at their own pace.

For more: Check out Christine Carter’s tips for teaching forgiveness skills to children, adapted from Luskin’s nine steps. And she offers these tips for fostering forgiveness in families.

Leading forgiveness researchers have also developed their own evidence-based programs to foster forgiveness, including the following.

Luskin’s Nine Steps to Forgiveness, which involve a mix of cognitive and meditative strategies, from articulating your grievance to shifting your expectations from life to revising the way you look at your past.
Robert Enright’s Forgiveness Process Model, which consists of 20 steps divided into four phases: the Uncovering Phase, where one becomes aware of the true emotional stress he has suffered; the Decision Phase, where one commits to forgiving rather than continuing to focus exclusively on his suffering; the Work Phase, where one comes to accept—but not condone—the pain he has suffered, no matter how undeserved; and finally the Outcome/Deepening Phase, where one recognizes the relief and meaning he is gaining from forgiveness. Read Enright’s tips for moving through this process.

Everett Worthington’s REACH method for forgiveness, which involves five steps: Recall the hurt, Empathize with the person who hurt you, offer an Altruistic gift of forgiveness, Commit to forgive (ideally publicly), and Hold onto that forgiveness.

https://youtu.be/PbHKCy4f6Dk

02/08/2021

Why Practice It?
We often think of forgiveness as a kind, magnanimous act—an act of mercy or compassion extended to someone who wronged us. While that can be true, research over the past few decades has revealed enormous personal benefits to forgiveness as well. According to that research, here are some of the most compelling ways forgiveness is good for us, our relationships, and our communities.

Forgiveness makes us happier: Research suggests not only that happy people are more likely to forgive but that forgiving others can make people feel happy, especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.
Forgiveness protects our mental health: People who receive therapy designed to foster forgiveness experience greater improvements in depression, anxiety, and hope than those who don’t. Forgiveness may also play a role in preventing su***de.
Forgiveness improves our health: When we dwell on grudges, our blood pressure and heart rate spike—signs of stress which damage the body; when we forgive, our stress levels drop, and people who are more forgiving are protected from the negative health effects of stress. Studies also suggest that holding grudges might compromise our immune system, making us less resistant to illness.
Forgiveness sustains relationships: When our friends inevitably hurt or disappoint us, holding a grudge makes us less likely to sacrifice or cooperate with them, which undermines feelings of trust and commitment, driving us further apart. Studies suggest that forgiveness can stop this downward spiral and repair our relationship before it dissolves.
Forgiveness is good for marriages (most of the time): Spouses who are more forgiving and less vindictive are better at resolving conflicts effectively in their marriage. A long-term study of newlyweds found that more forgiving spouses had stronger, more satisfying relationships. However, when more forgiving spouses were frequently mistreated by their husband or wife, they became less satisfied with their marriage.
Forgiveness boosts kindness and connectedness: People who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them. They are also more likely to want to volunteer and donate money to charity, and they feel more connected to other people in general.
Forgiveness can help heal the wounds of war: A research-based forgiveness training program in Rwanda, for instance, was linked to reduced trauma and more positive attitudes between the Hutus and Tutsis there. A study of people who learned forgiveness skills in war-torn Sierra Leone found that they reported feeling less depressed, more grateful, more satisfied with life, and less stressed afterward.

Perhaps most famously, South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission is widely credited with encouraging forgiveness and reconciliation after the end of apartheid in that country. Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the commission’s chairman, has argued that forgiveness is the path to “true enduring peace.”
Forgiveness is good for kids and teens: Kids who are more forgiving toward their friends have higher well-being. Forgiveness training can help adolescent girls who are bullies and bullied decrease their anger, aggression, and delinquency, while increasing their empathy and improving their grades.

Forgiveness is good for workplaces: Employees who are more forgiving are also more productive and take fewer days off, partly thanks to reduced stress around their relationships.
People who practice self-forgiveness tend to have better physical and mental health. Forgiving ourselves may also improve our relationships.

https://youtu.be/5AKHh95hIAY

For More: Learn more about the benefits of forgiveness in researcher Everett Worthington’s article, “The New Science of Forgiveness,” and in Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s essay, “Forgiveness + Reconciliation.”

The acclaimed author and teacher explains that we should forgive for the sake of our own dignity and fulfillment.

02/08/2021

What Is Forgiveness?

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.

While early research focused on forgiveness of others by individuals, new areas of research are starting to examine the benefits of group forgiveness and self-forgiveness.

https://youtu.be/qS6BL9AONNk

Fred Luskin explains that the essence of forgiveness is being resilient when things don't go your way.

11/23/2020

11/23/2020

How to Do It
Make a list of people who have hurt you deeply enough to warrant the effort to forgive. You can do this by asking yourself on a 1-to-10 scale, How much pain do I have regarding the way this person treated me?, with 1 involving the least pain (but still significant enough to justify the time to forgive) and 10 involving the most pain. Then, order the people on this list from least painful to most painful. Start with the person lowest on this hierarchy (least painful).

How to Do It

Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then tell a few trusted people about your experience.
Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning his or her actions. In forgiveness, you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally.
Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not from what hurt you two minutes—or 10 years—ago.
At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management to soothe your body’s fight or flight response. This could mean taking deep breaths, doing a mindful breathing exercise, taking a walk outside—whatever is most effective for you.
Give up expecting things from your life or from other people that they do not choose to give you. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship, and prosperity, and work hard to get them. However, these are “unenforceable rules”: You will suffer when you demand that these things occur, since you do not have the power to make them happen.
Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you.
Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving power over you to the person who caused you pain, look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Put more energy into appreciating what you have rather than attending to what you do not have.
Amend the way you look at your past so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive.