Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC

01/08/2026

If you’ve tried marriage counseling and walked away thinking,
“We talked a lot… but nothing really changed,”
you’re not broken and your marriage isn’t hopeless.

Most couples don’t fail marriage counseling.
Marriage counseling often fails couples.

Not because therapists don’t care.
Not because couples don’t try.
But because the model itself misses the real problem.

Most marriage counseling focuses on:
- communication skills
- conflict techniques
- emotional insight

And don't get me wrong, those things matter.
But, better communication doesn’t fix a marriage that doesn’t feel emotionally safe.

When fear is running the relationship,
better words just become better weapons.

Couples leave sessions knowing what to say…
but still can’t say it when it matters.

A common belief in therapy is:
“If people understand why they react the way they do, they’ll change.”

But, insight without emotional regulation does very little.

You can know:
- your attachment style
- your childhood wounds
- your triggers

…and still shut down, lash out, or withdraw at 10:47 p.m. when your nervous system is overwhelmed. Understanding the story doesn’t help if your body still thinks it’s under threat.

Another reason marriage counseling stalls is something most people won’t say out loud...it can accidentally turns into a courtroom.

Who’s right.
Who’s wrong.
Whose feelings matter more.

Now the therapist becomes a referee, and the couple starts:
- performing
- persuading
- keeping score

That doesn’t build connection. It builds quiet resentment. Neutrality might sound fair, but neutrality doesn’t create safety.

Often marriages don’t break down because couples don’t communicate.
They break down because fear is running the system.

Fear of:
- rejection
- abandonment
- conflict
- not being enough
- being controlled
- being vulnerable

Fear hijacks logic.
Fear narrows perspective.
Fear makes good people protect instead of connect.

And fear does not respond to techniques. It responds to felt safety.

This is where my work looks different, not because it’s better, but because it’s honest about what creates lasting change.

Before teaching couples how to talk, I focus on whether they can stay present at all.

Can you:
- tolerate discomfort without shutting down?
- stay grounded when emotions rise?
- remain steady instead of reactive?

Calm people don’t need scripts. Regulated people communicate naturally.

I help couples understand what’s happening inside their body during conflict.

Why they:
- freeze
- pursue
- explode
- disappear

Once people feel safer inside themselves, they stop needing their partner to manage their emotions for them. That’s when real change begins.

I’m not interested in deciding who’s right.

I’m interested in helping each person:
- take ownership
- build emotional strength
- stop outsourcing responsibility

No villains.
No victims.
Just adults learning how to lead themselves in relationship.

This is one of the most misunderstood truths about marriage:
Love without capacity is chaos.

Two people can love each other deeply and still lack the emotional capacity to stay connected under stress.

Marriage doesn’t fall apart because love disappears. It falls apart because the system collapses under pressure.

So the work isn’t about compatibility.
It’s about capacity.

This approach is not for couples looking for:
- quick fixes
- a referee
- someone to change their spouse

It is for couples willing to:
- look inward
- tolerate discomfort
- take responsibility
- grow emotionally

That work isn’t flashy. But it’s effective.

Marriage doesn’t heal because you say the right things.
It heals when fear stops running the relationship.

When two people feel steady enough to stay present, safe enough to be honest,
and strong enough to stop protecting themselves from each other...

everything changes.

Not because the marriage was broken.
But because the foundation finally got strong enough to hold it.

12/22/2025

This is the email I wish every couple would read before walking into their first therapy session.
_____________________________

Hi, there.

Before we meet for your first session, I want to offer a little clarity about how this work goes best and how to get the most out of your time together in therapy.

Couples therapy is not about deciding who’s right, who’s wrong, or who messed things up more. If you show up hoping I will referee, take sides, or finally make your partner “get it,” you’ll likely leave frustrated.

That’s not because therapy doesn’t work.
It’s because repair and growth require two willing participants, not one prosecutor and one defendant.

Here’s what does help before session one:

• Come curious, not armed.
• Be honest about what you want, even if you’re unsure whether that means staying together or figuring out what’s next.
• Be open to looking at your part in the patterns you’re stuck in, even if your partner has caused real hurt.
• Understand that discomfort isn’t failure, it’s often the doorway to change.

Therapy works best when curiosity is louder than defensiveness.

You don’t need the right words.
You don’t need a perfect plan.
You don’t need to agree on everything before you arrive.

What you do need is a willingness to slow down, tell the truth, and stay present when things feel tender or challenging.

Before our first session, I encourage each of you to reflect on these questions privately:

What do I hope will be different as a result of therapy?
Where do I know I get defensive, shut down, or shift blame?
What conversations are we avoiding that we need help having safely?
Am I open to learning something about myself even if it’s uncomfortable?

There are no “right” answers here.
This isn’t about being good or bad at relationships.

It’s about whether you’re willing to be honest enough for something new to become possible.

I look forward to meeting you both and walking with you through this process.

Warmly,
Gary

12/16/2025

Most fights don’t end because someone wins.
They end because someone decides the relationship matters more than being right.

Marriage doesn’t fall apart over the big blowups.
It erodes in the quiet moments where pride stays louder than connection.

So if you need the last word, if everything in you wants to land one more point, clarify one more detail, or make sure they fully understand how wrong they were...
try choosing one of these instead.

Not because the issue doesn’t matter.
But because the bond matters more.

“I Love You”

This isn’t a conversation-stopper.
It’s a nervous-system reset.

“I love you” says:
We’re still on the same team, even when this is hard.

It tells your partner, you don’t have to earn your way back into safety.
And that alone lowers defenses faster than any perfectly worded argument ever could.

“I’m Sorry”

Not the polished, legal-defense apology.
The real one.

The kind that says:
I can see where I hurt you, and I care.

You don’t have to agree with their entire perspective to own your impact.
Repair begins the moment shame steps aside and humility walks in.

“Thank You”

This one is wildly underrated.

“Thank you” says:
I noticed your effort.
I don’t take you for granted.
You didn’t have to show up that way and you did.

Gratitude softens resentment faster than logic ever will.

“I Like Your Butt”

Listen.
This is not a joke...this is strategy.

Desire matters in marriage.
Playfulness matters.
Being seen as more than a co-manager of life logistics matters.

Sometimes what a tense moment really needs is a reminder:
You’re still attractive to me.
We’re still us.

Also, let’s be honest, it’s hard to stay in fight mode when someone compliments your butt. The point isn’t the phrase, it’s the posture.

These words work because they communicate:
Safety over superiority
Connection over control
Desire over distance

Healthy marriages aren’t built by people who always say the right thing.
They’re built by people who know when to stop talking and start choosing closeness.

So next time you feel that urge to win, to explain, defend, or outlast...say one of these instead.

Let the last word protect the relationship.

Even if it’s about their butt.

12/11/2025

What actually makes repair possible in a marriage isn’t perfection...it’s the ability to hear where you messed up without collapsing into shame.

When one partner says, “That hurt me,” the relationship depends on the other person having enough internal stability to stay present instead of spiraling.

Most marriages don’t fall apart because of one big mistake. They fall apart because one or both partners don’t have a grounded enough sense of self to tolerate honest conversations.

If your internal belief is “I’m only lovable when I’m right, calm, impressive, or needed,” then any feedback feels like an existential threat.

And from that place, only a few things show up:
defensiveness
blame-shifting
shutting down
counterattacking
or intellectualizing the hurt instead of feeling it

The real work is building the capacity to feel guilt without slipping into shame.

Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”
Shame says, “I am something wrong.”

When shame hijacks every conflict, connection dies.

But when someone can stay grounded, hear hard truth, and not lose their sense of worth...

That’s the gateway to accountability.
That’s what makes repair possible.
And that’s what sustains a marriage long-term.

12/10/2025

If your spouse can’t tell you, “Hey, that hurt me,” without you blowing up, shutting down, or turning it into a debate… nothing gets better.

A strong marriage needs two people who can:

take a deep breath,
not get defensive,
not make it all about their character,
and just listen.

It’s the ability to hear where you messed up without acting like you’re worthless or like they’re attacking you. That’s what makes repair possible.

Most marriages don’t fail because of big mess-ups, they fail because one or both partners aren't showing up grounded enough to handle honest conversations.

To hear, “Hey… that hurt me,” a person needs a stable sense of worth that is not annihilated by imperfection.

If the internal belief is “I’m only lovable when I’m right, impressive, calm, or needed,” then feedback = existential threat.

This leads to:
defensiveness,
blame-shifting,
shutdown,
counterattack,
or intellectualizing the hurt.

The capacity to feel guilt without collapsing into shame is paramount to growth.

Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”
Shame says: “I am something wrong.”

Marriage collapses when shame hijacks every conflict.

Shame resilience is the gateway to accountability, repair, and longterm marital health.

12/02/2025

Most men can fix a tractor, a busted faucet, or a Saturday project…
But when it comes to fixing tension in their marriage?
That’s where even the strongest guys feel lost.

Because you can’t tighten a bolt on hurt feelings.
You can’t duct-tape miscommunication.
And you sure can’t out-stubborn your way into intimacy.

What does work is emotional leadership, the kind that steadies the whole house without anyone having to raise their voice.

• He stays steady instead of defensive.
• He gets curious instead of proving he’s right.
• He walks toward the problem, not away from it.
• He asks, “Help me understand what you needed,” instead of “Why are you mad at me again?”

When a man leads with calm curiosity, the whole “crew” (his wife, his home, his kids) settles.
Not because he fixes everything, but because he brings steady energy into the room.

If you want to learn how to build that kind of steadiness, I help men do exactly that every day.

11/28/2025

You still love your partner. You’d never leave.
But you don’t actually like each other anymore.

You’re sharing a house, a bed, a routine…
but not a friendship.

No laughter.
No curiosity.
No “I can’t wait to tell you this.”
Just two good people coexisting.

This isn’t a lack of love.
It’s a lack of connection.

Life got busy.
Conversations turned into logistics.
Small hurts piled up.
Both of you stopped reaching out.

And slowly… the friendship faded.

That’s the part no one prepares you for:
The quiet loneliness inside a committed relationship.

This can be rebuilt if both people want it.

Research is clear: Friendship is the foundation of a healthy/fulfilling marriage.

Emotional bids matter.
Curiosity matters.
Daily micro-connection matters.
Intentional repair matters.

Rebuilding doesn’t mean starting over.
It means rebuilding the bridge you’ve stopped walking across.

First, name the problem out loud—without blame.
Clear out old resentment.
Restore curiosity.
Learn how to talking again (not just manage life).
Re-learn each other’s inner world.
Do things together that aren’t chores or schedules.
Practice generosity instead of scorekeeping.
Create small moments of warmth again.

It’s not about grand gestures.
It’s about getting the friendship back.

Most couples can’t repair this alone—not because they’re broken, but because the patterns are too familiar.

Couples counseling gives you:
- A neutral place to say the things you’ve stopped saying.
- Tools to rebuild emotional connection.
- A way to break out of “roommate mode”.
- Guidance to repair resentment safely.
- A structured plan to rebuild friendship, not just put out fires.

My job is to help couples...
Talk again.
Hear each other again.
Laugh again.
Become friends again.

Rebuilding your friendship transforms everything:
- Communication becomes easier
- Intimacy grows
- Conflict softens
- You stop feeling alone
- The relationship becomes something you enjoy, not just maintain

You don’t have to settle for parallel lives.
And you don’t have to choose between staying stuck or blowing everything up.

There is a middle path:
Rebuild the friendship. Rebuild the connection. Rebuild the “us.”

If this hits home and you want help getting back what you’ve lost, reach out.

I help couples rediscover their friendship, repair what’s gotten buried, and rebuild a relationship they actually like living in.

11/21/2025

Here’s the truth most people don’t want to say out loud:

You can own what you did.
You can give a real apology.
You can mean every word down to your bones…

And it still might not fix things.

Not because you didn’t try.
Not because your apology “fell short.”
Not because you’re a screw-up.

It’s because repair takes two people showing up — not one person doing all the lifting.

1. You Can Step Up, But You Can’t Step For Them

You can admit you were wrong.
You can talk like a grown adult.
You can offer a straight-forward apology.

But if the other person isn’t ready to sit down and work through it, the process doesn’t move.

You can open the door.
They still have to walk through it.

That’s not failure. It’s reality.

2. Their Pause Isn’t Always About You

People often need time.

Time to cool off.
Time to let emotions settle.
Time to think before they talk.

If someone doesn’t respond right away, it doesn’t mean they’re punishing you or being dramatic. It might mean they’re trying not to make things worse by reacting too fast.

They might be hurt.
They might be overwhelmed.
They might not be ready to trust the moment just yet.

Give them room to breathe.

3. Your Responsibility Has Limits

Here’s where people mess up: they rush.

“Are we good now?”
“Can we talk again?”
“Do you forgive me?”

Pressure doesn’t create repair...it creates distance.

Your job is simple and strong:
- Admit the mistake.
- Say what needs to be said.
- Mean it.
- Then back it up with your actions.
- And let them come back when they are ready.

Respecting someone’s timing is part of respecting the relationship.

4. Their Readiness Isn’t Your Report Card

Don’t let guilt convince you that their silence is your failure.

It’s not.

You don’t control their heart, their timeline, or their readiness. You only control your character.

If you’ve apologized honestly, you’ve done your part.
If they’re not ready, that’s their part.

Stay steady.
Stay honest.
Stay consistent.

That’s all anyone can reasonably do.

5. Repair Happens When Both People Decide to Build Again

Real repair isn’t about fancy words. It’s not about “winning” the argument or smoothing things over fast. It’s about two people choosing to step toward each other again instead of away.

One person owns the mistake.
The other person chooses to engage.
Then, piece by piece, trust gets rebuilt.

Not instantly.
Not perfectly.
But stronger.

If you apologized straight, honest, and without excuses, you’ve done your job.

After that?

Repair is a two-person project.

And no one, no matter how good their intentions, can do both halves.

11/18/2025

Emotional leadership is not reactive.
It’s responsive.

Not defensive.
Curious.

Not trying to win.
Trying to understand.

For example...

Instead of: “I don’t know why you’re making this such a big deal.”
Say: “Something in this is hitting deep for you. I want to understand. Talk to me.”

Call now to connect with business.

11/17/2025

This is what I’m passionate about.

I don’t sit with guys to make them more emotional, more sensitive, or more agreeable. I sit with them because I believe men want to lead, but most were never given the skills to lead emotionally.

That’s the work I love most: coaching men into becoming emotional leaders who are steady, grounded, capable, and respected.

Not just in their marriages, but in their lives.

Men are taught how to:
- Work
- Provide
- Push through
- Hold it all together

But not how to:
- Regulate emotions
- Stay present in conflict
- Lead with steadiness
- Make their partner feel emotionally safe

And that gap? That’s where everything starts to break down.

You’re strong everywhere but emotionally. And it’s costing you...respect, intimacy, peace.

You might be disciplined.
You might be successful.
You might be tough as hell on the outside.

But at home, when things get emotional, you freeze, shut down, or blow up.

You hate how fast it gets off track.
You hate how misunderstood you feel.
You hate feeling like you’re failing when you’re trying your best.

But here’s the truth, you were never given the tools.

Not for emotional leadership.
Not for marriage.
Not for relational strength.

That’s what I do and it’s the work I care about most.

Not softening men.
Not taming them.
Not guilt-tripping them.

Strengthening them.
Steadying them.
Equipping them to lead from the inside-out.

The tools exist. The road is real.
And when a man gains emotional strength everybody around him feels it.

Now's the time to reach out.

11/13/2025

Walmart or Starbucks employee?

You may not know this… but you get up to 20 free counseling or relationship-coaching sessions through your Lyra benefits.
No cost. No deductible. No catch.

If you (or someone you know) works at Walmart or Starbucks, spread this post.

And yes...that includes working on:
• communication & emotional connection
• healing after betrayal
• stress, anxiety, burnout
• parenting + co-parenting
• dating & relationship patterns
• men’s emotional leadership
• marriage work that actually feels productive

Most employees have no idea this benefit even exists. I’m a Lyra provider and can get you scheduled within the next week.

Share this so someone gets the help they didn’t know they had access to.

11/11/2025

There’s an underrated relationship skill nobody talks about enough: fighting about the right thing.

Most couples don’t actually argue about what they think they’re arguing about. It’s rarely the dishes. Or money. Or who’s “doing more.” Those are just the symptoms.

The real fight is usually about something deeper...respect, value, priority. One person feels unseen, the other feels unappreciated, and both start keeping score like emotional accountants.

Suddenly the dishwasher isn’t just about plates, it’s about feeling like you’re doing life alone while your partner scrolls Instagram.

When we don’t name the real issue, we end up fighting the same battle over and over.
Different day, different dishes, same ache underneath. And here’s the kicker: you can “win” the argument and still lose the connection.

So next time things start to heat up, pause and ask yourself:
What am I really fighting for right now? To be right or to be understood?

Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict, they just get better at locating the truth underneath it. They fight with intention.

They fight for the relationship, not just in it.

Because if you keep fighting about the surface stuff, you’ll never clean up what’s actually rotting underneath.

The goal isn’t to end all conflict, it’s to get curious about it.

Curiosity keeps conversations open. It softens the ego. It reminds you that your partner isn’t the enemy; they’re your teammate trying to solve a mystery with you.

So when you’re tempted to assume or defend, take a breath.
Lean in.
Ask questions.
Listen for the truth beneath the noise.

Stay curious.