http://www.garymalonecounseling.com/

Gary Malone Counseling, PLLC, Paris, TX (2025)

08/11/2025

You weren’t always this anxious. You became this anxious the day you stopped holding your own line.

Most people think anxiety in marriage means you started insecure.
Not always true. Even the calmest, most grounded partner can get spun out if they let their boundaries slide.

It starts small.

You let a comment go because you don’t want to fight.
You agree to something that feels off because you want to keep the peace.
You start saying “yes” when your gut is screaming “no.”

And here’s the cost:
Your respect for yourself dips.
Your respect for your spouse dips.
The relationship loses structure… and without structure, there’s no safety.

Love without boundaries isn’t romantic it’s exhausting.

If your relationship feels shakier than it used to, ask: When did I stop protecting my peace?

Because security isn’t just a personality trait.
It’s a muscle and boundaries are the weight that keep it strong.

And here’s the kicker:
When someone isn’t holding firm to their boundaries, it usually means they’re trying to keep the relationship alive at the cost of themselves and that’s not love.
That’s self abandonment.

08/08/2025

Some men grew up in homes where feelings just weren’t talked about. It taught you to handle life on your own, which worked then, but might be holding you back now.

When you grow up without your emotions being seen, you get the message: “Feelings are weak. Don’t have them. Don’t show them.”

So you build walls, call it “strength,” and power through life. But those walls are keeping you from the connection, peace, and fulfillment you actually want.

Here's 6 things that childhood emotional neglect teaches men:

- Self-reliance at all costs: Asking for help feels risky. You’d rather take the hit alone.
- Never look needy or emotional: You hide hurt, anger, grief, even joy.
- Perfection pressure: Mistakes feel unacceptable, at least for you.
- Avoiding “feeling” questions: You deflect or shut down if someone gets too close emotionally.
- Peace at any price: Conflict feels like a threat, so you dodge it instead of working through it.
- Keeping people at arm’s length: You don’t want anyone seeing the cracks in your armor.

Here's what you need to start healing...

- Ask for help and accept it: Let trusted people in. Receiving support builds strength, not weakness.
- Accept that your needs are valid: Having emotional needs doesn’t make you fragile, it makes you human.
- Talk to yourself like you would a friend: Hold yourself accountable, but with compassion.
- Name and share feelings: Put words to what you feel. It takes away their control over you.
- Face conflict head-on: It’s normal. It builds stronger relationships when handled well.
- Let people get closer: Deep connection is one of the biggest predictors of real happiness.

Practical next steps...

- Do one thing that feels uncomfortable but healthy. Text a friend, admit you’re struggling, ask for advice.
- Notice when you’re avoiding. Conflict, feelings, or connection, pause and lean in instead of pulling away.
- Practice self-talk that’s both honest and kind. Cut the perfectionism and own your mistakes without tearing yourself apart.
- Track small wins. You don’t have to flip a switch. Change stacks up one action at a time.

Bottom line...you learned to survive by shutting down emotions. You’ll learn to thrive by letting the right ones and the right people back in.

08/07/2025

Marriage isn’t supposed to be perfect. But it is supposed to be safe.

That means:
- You don’t weaponize each other’s wounds.
- You don’t disappear when things get hard.
- You don’t confuse silence with peace.
- You don’t keep score and call it accountability.
- You don't prioritize your pain without making room for theirs.

A good marriage still has conflict. But the difference?
You fight for each other, not against each other.

Examples:
“I’m upset, but I don’t want this to divide us.”
“Help me understand where you’re coming from.”
“I’m not trying to win—I just want us to feel close again.”
“This matters to me because you matter to me.”
“Let’s take a break and come back to this. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret.”
“I know we’re both hurting—let’s figure this out together.”
“I’m listening, even if I don’t agree yet.”
“I care more about us than being right.”
“We’re not enemies. Let’s remember we’re on the same side.”
“Can we start over? I want to do this better.”

08/06/2025

There’s a strange thing that happens when you grow in emotional intelligence...you find it impossible to hate people.

Not because the world suddenly got nicer.
Not because hurtful people vanished.
But because your perspective changes.

When someone lashes out, ignores you, lies, or treats you unfairly, it’s easy to see it as a direct attack. But emotional intelligence helps you step back and notice the deeper story.

Where others see “a grown adult who should know better,” you start to see something else...a wounded child, carrying pain they never processed, still trying to protect themselves with the only tools they’ve ever had.

Anger doesn’t disappear, you still feel it. But empathy steps in and changes how you hold that anger. You can acknowledge, “What you did hurt me,” without needing to label the person as evil.

You begin to understand...people’s actions are almost always about their own history, not your worth.

Those who hurt others are usually defending themselves from old ghosts and most “bad behavior” is a survival strategy that never got updated.

This isn't a free pass. Empathy isn’t the same as enabling.

You can understand where someone’s behavior comes from and still hold them accountable. You can see the wounded child in them and still set boundaries that keep you safe. You can choose not to hate them and still choose not to let them close.

The real shift is this...when you see the pain behind the behavior, you stop making their actions the measure of your value.

Their harshness doesn’t define you.
Their withdrawal doesn’t erase you.
Their lack of healing doesn’t have to take yours.

Because now you know who you are.

And when you’re rooted in that, you can stand firm, set boundaries, and still care about people without getting pulled into their chaos.

Hate fades...because you’ve learned to hold compassion in one hand and your peace in the other.

08/05/2025

Sometimes trauma doesn’t just hurt us in the moment, it quietly builds a set of “rules” we live by long after the danger is gone.

Maybe you learned that love had to be earned.
Maybe you learned that safety was only possible if you kept people happy.

These “rules” often made sense when we were kids trying to survive. But the problem is, we grow up…and keep following the same rules.

Rules that no longer fit.
Rules that quietly sabotage the life we actually want.

And here’s the hard part:
Until we get curious, really curious, about why we do what we do…

Until we connect the dots between past pain and present patterns…

We’ll keep running the same script, wondering why the story never changes.

Healing starts with questioning:
“Is this behavior actually helping me build the life I want? Or is it just keeping me safe in ways I no longer need?”

You can’t change what happened.
But you can change the patterns it left behind and start creating the life you’ve always deserved.

08/04/2025

It’s 9:47 PM. You’re stressed, tired, and questioning if you even like your job, your truck, or your fantasy football lineup...

and suddenly, you’re in a Taco Bell drive-thru ordering enough food to feed a construction crew.

So… do you actually need therapy? Or do you just need Taco Bell?

Here are my thoughts...

Here are signs you might need Taco Bell:
- You skipped lunch, hit the gym, and now your body is staging a coup.
- Your team lost in overtime and you’ve got feelings you can’t name.
- Your buddy texted “We need to talk” and you’re pretty sure he’s about to confess something dumb.

You’re not mad, just maybe under-caffeinated, overworked, and haven’t had anything green except jalapeños.

Signs it might be helpful to see a therapist:
- You keep replaying the same argument in your head like it’s game film…from 2016.
- You’re constantly “fine”, which is code for “I have no idea how to talk about this without dropping a few f-bombs.”
- You don’t sleep well, you snap faster than you used to, and you’ve got no off switch.
- Taco Bell used to fix it. Now it just gives you heartburn and the same problems you had before.

The real answer? Sometimes it's both.
Grab the tacos. Load up on hot sauce. Laugh with your buddies.

But here’s the thing, a burrito can’t make you less angry at your boss, heal your marriage, or stop you from zoning out when your wife starts talking about her day.

That’s where therapy comes in.

It’s not about sitting in a circle singing 90s Country songs to access feelings, it’s about building the tools so your stress doesn’t run your life.

So next time you’re in the drive-thru, remember:
Taco Bell fixes hunger. Therapy fixes what’s eating you.

08/01/2025

Most people don’t get married hoping for a mediocre relationship.
You pictured connection, partnership, maybe even a best-friend kind of love.

But somewhere between work, kids, bills, and just plain life, it’s easy to forget what a great spouse looks like or how to be one.

Here’s a simple list, not from a textbook, but from real life of what the best husbands and wives tend to do.

1. They apologize…and then actually fix it.
We’ve all said “I’m sorry” just to move on. But a great spouse says it and then changes the thing that hurt you.

Example: If they keep forgetting to pick up the kids, a real apology looks like setting reminders on their phone, not just “I’ll do better next time” and hoping you forget.

2. They make you (and the marriage) a priority.
This doesn’t mean grand gestures every week, it means little choices that say, “You matter.”

Example: Shutting the laptop to listen. Saying no to an extra round of golf or girls’ night because the two of you haven’t had time together all week.

3. They get excited about your goals.
Your dreams shouldn’t feel like a solo project.

Example: If you’ve been talking about starting a side business or running a 5K, they’re the one asking, “What’s your next step? How can I help?”

4. They stay curious about you.
A great spouse doesn’t assume they “already know” you.

Example: After 15 years, they still ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” instead of scrolling TikTok next to you in silence.

5. They’re empathetic.
Not just sympathetic, empathetic.

Example: When you have a bad day at work, they don’t say, “That sucks, anyway what’s for dinner?” They sit with you, maybe rub your shoulders, and really listen.

6. They remember the little things.
It’s not about remembering every anniversary, it’s about paying attention.

Example: Bringing home the exact snack you mentioned in passing three weeks ago. Or knowing which mug you like for your morning coffee.

7. They actually enjoy spending time with you.
It sounds obvious, but some couples live like roommates. Great spouses make time to laugh, play, and do something together.

Example: Picking a show to binge together, running errands as a pair, or sitting on the porch after dinner just talking.

Here’s the thing:

No spouse does these perfectly every day. Nobody.

But if you read this list and thought, “Man, I could do better at a few of these,” that’s not failure that’s awareness.

And awareness is how good marriages turn into great ones.

Because great spouses aren’t born. They’re built...choice by choice, apology by apology, laugh by laugh.

07/29/2025

If you’ve been in a relationship longer than five minutes, you know the feeling when the same argument keeps looping. Different days. Different details. Same fight.

Here’s the thing most couples miss: it’s not about the dishes, the phone, or who said what. Those are just the triggers. The real issue is the pattern you’re both stuck in.

And until you name it, you’ll keep living it.

Here are 4 questions you can ask yourself to break the cycle:

1. What’s the story I’m telling myself in this moment?
Underneath the anger is usually a thought: “He doesn’t care.” “She’s always disappointed in me.”

This matters because when you say the story out loud, it turns blame into curiosity instead of automatic defense.

2. How does my reaction feed the very thing I hate?
Hard truth: the way we react often fuels the loop.
– Do you shut down when you feel unheard?
– Do you get louder when you feel dismissed?

This matters because when you see how you play into the cycle, you can finally step out of it.

3. What’s underneath this fight for me?
Anger is loud, but it’s usually covering something softer — fear of not mattering, sadness from feeling disconnected, or shame about feeling like you’re failing.

This matters because sharing the feeling under the bark shifts the fight into a moment of vulnerability instead of another round of defense.

4. What does repair look like? Not just “sorry”.
Apologies matter. But “sorry” without a plan is just a reset button for the same fight to happen again.

This matters because repair means asking each other: “What would help this not just heal, but actually change?”

You don’t break the cycle by winning the fight.
You break it by noticing the pattern and deciding together to rewrite it.

07/24/2025

This is for the man who’s self-aware enough to see the patterns, but still feels stuck inside them. It’s for the man who can talk about his childhood but still hasn’t learned how to talk to his wife. It’s for the man who knows his past shaped him, but isn’t sure how to stop reliving it.

You know the story. You’ve read the books. Listened to the podcasts. You might even be able to diagnose yourself better than your own therapist.

You’re not in the dark anymore. You know the roots of your anger. You know why you shut down when things get tense. You know how your dad’s absence, your failed marriage, your performance-based childhood…all left their fingerprints on how you show up in love and in life.

And still, here you are. Watching yourself repeat the same patterns. Promising “never again,” only to find yourself doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t.

This blog isn’t for the man who doesn’t know. It’s for the man who knows… but isn’t moving.

Let’s start with something simple: awareness is not transformation. You can know the diagnosis, but still refuse the treatment. You can see the fire, but still keep walking into it. And that’s not because you’re weak. It’s because change isn’t intellectual...it’s embodied.

You have to feel different to do different.
And most men were never taught how to feel in the first place.

Here’s the quiet truth most men carry: Knowing what to do isn’t enough when the part of you that needs the healing doesn’t believe it’s worth it. You don’t just need a new strategy, you need a new story.
One where:
* Peace doesn’t feel like punishment.
* Stability doesn’t feel like suffocation.
* Love doesn’t have to be earned.

If you’re not moving forward, it’s probably not because you’re lazy or broken, it’s because somewhere deep down, your nervous system still thinks the old way is safer. Even if it’s painful. Even if it’s lonely. Even if it’s destroying the thing you say you want most.

You don’t need more insight, you need a reason.
You need a 'why' that cuts deeper than your fear.
You need to know what kind of man you want to be when no one is watching. What kind of father, partner, friend, or leader you want your legacy to reflect. What kind of peace you want your son to inherit. What kind of woman you want to feel safe in your presence.

And that only comes when your identity shifts...not just your habits.

Don’t just sit in awareness. Move toward alignment.

Find a guide. Find a group. Find a reason. Start telling the truth, not just about what happened to you, but about the man you want to become in spite of it.

Because knowing is only half the battle. The rest? That’s courage.

07/21/2025

There’s nothing more frustrating than being a husband who would give the world to his wife… but still not know how to meet her basic emotional needs.
You try. You provide. You stay.
And yet, she still feels distant, disappointed, or emotionally alone.

You wonder: Why isn’t that enough?

Here’s one answer most men were never taught:
It’s not just about effort, it’s about access.
And if you grew up in a home where emotional safety, affection, or stability were missing, access to real connection may still feel blocked.

It’s not the pain from childhood that haunts us, it’s the beliefs that pain left behind.
Beliefs like:
- Love isn’t safe
- Love doesn’t stay
- Love isn’t real
- Love isn’t for me

These beliefs got wired into your system before you even had words for them. And they still show up...in who you choose, how you react, how you argue, and how close you’ll let someone get before you pull away or shut down.

The problem? Real love requires vulnerability. And for a lot of men, that’s the very thing we were trained to avoid.

So instead of opening up, we:
- Chase or run from relationships
- Set weak boundaries or enforce rigid ones
- Ignore red flags
- Repeat the pain by either by choosing people like our parents, or becoming like them

Here’s the truth: your defenses worked back then. They kept you safe. But now, they’re keeping you from the very thing you want (deep connection).

Healing isn’t about blaming your parents forever. It’s about realizing they only took you so far and now it’s your job to keep going. That’s what re-parenting is: giving yourself the love, safety, and emotional honesty you didn’t get then.

I help men do that, not by judging you, but by helping you slowly lower your guard and relearn connection, one moment of trust at a time.

The goal?
Not just feeling safe on the way to love...
But finally feeling safe in love.

07/18/2025

In today’s world, where connection is constant and boundaries are blurry, many couples are learning the hard way that betrayal doesn’t always begin in the bedroom. Sometimes, it starts with a text thread that’s just a little too personal. A coworker who becomes the first person you want to tell your good news to. A friend who slowly starts to know more about your inner world than your spouse does.

This is where the idea of emotional exclusivity matters.

Emotional exclusivity means your emotional loyalty, vulnerability, and relational priority belong—first and foremost—to your spouse. It’s the quiet, intentional decision to reserve your deepest self for the person you’re building a life with.

It doesn’t mean you can’t have friends. But it does mean you’re mindful of the lines. It means you’re paying attention to who gets your stories, your struggles, your laughter—and your affection.

Emotional affairs often start with something small: validation, attention, a shared moment. And because it isn’t physical, it can feel harmless. But for the spouse watching their partner invest emotionally in someone else, the pain cuts just as deep.

If you’re on the receiving end of this kind of hurt, it can feel confusing. You might even feel silly for how much it bothers you—especially if everyone around you is saying, “It’s not like they cheated.”

But your nervous system knows better.

It knows when you’ve become the afterthought.
It knows when your partner is no longer turning toward you for comfort, laughter, or connection.
It knows when something precious is being shared elsewhere—and you’re not invited in.

The betrayal isn’t just about what happened. It’s about what stopped happening between the two of you.

This isn’t about shame. Most people who end up in emotionally inappropriate friendships didn’t mean to hurt anyone. They often didn’t see it happening until it was already too far. But part of growing in marriage is being willing to look honestly at how our actions feel to our spouse—even if we didn’t “mean it that way.”

Grace doesn’t mean we ignore boundaries.
And trust isn’t rebuilt by defensiveness.

If your spouse feels hurt, the most healing thing you can say is not, “It wasn’t physical.” It’s, “I hear you. That must’ve felt really painful. I see how that impacted you, and I want to do better for you, for us.”

One of the biggest mistakes in marriage is aiming for technical innocence instead of emotional safety.

You can follow all the “rules” and still build intimacy with someone outside your marriage that doesn’t belong there. And while you may never touch them—you’ve touched something else: the sacred emotional space your spouse thought belonged to just the two of you.

If you want to protect your marriage, here are a few ways to lean into emotional exclusivity:

Tell your spouse first. About the good stuff. The hard stuff. The small stuff.

Check your internal filter. If you wouldn’t talk the same way with your spouse in the room, that’s a red flag.

Protect your marriage privately. Not just with words, but with your patterns.

Don’t compare. If you start thinking someone else “gets you” more—pause. That’s not a sign to pull away from your spouse. It’s a sign to invest deeper in your marriage.

Make curiosity a habit. Ask your spouse what they’re carrying. Ask how they’re feeling. Ask what they’re hoping for.

Marriage is built on more than physical faithfulness. It’s built on shared emotional ground. And if that ground starts to shift beneath your partner’s feet, it’s not petty—it’s painful. You may not have meant to take anything—but their sense of security was quietly handed over piece by piece.

Emotional exclusivity isn’t about fear. It’s about respect.

It’s about saying: “This is ours. And I’ll guard it like it matters. Because it does.”

07/10/2025

'Love' can be confusing.

But, the more you learn to ask “Does this act like love?” instead of “Does this feel like love?”—the closer you get to the kind of love that heals instead of hurts.

Sometimes it feels electric. Sometimes it feels safe. Sometimes it feels like anxiety, chaos, and waiting for someone to finally choose you.

And if you’ve ever been in a relationship where your heart and head didn’t agree, you know how tricky it can be to tell the difference between what feels like love… and what actually acts like it.

The truth is:
What feels like love isn’t always love.
Especially if your story includes trauma, inconsistent relationships, or attachment wounds.

Here’s the trap a lot of people fall into:
They meet someone who triggers all the right “feelings”—the chemistry, the craving, the butterflies—and assume that means it must be love. But often, that feeling is just familiarity. A recreation of old emotional patterns, not a foundation for something healthy.

If you grew up walking on eggshells, being overlooked, or trying to earn affection, then inconsistency might feel like home. And when something feels like home, we naturally interpret it as love.

But love is more than a feeling.
It’s a practice.

So ask this instead:
Does this act like love?

Does it show up consistently?
Does it take accountability when it causes harm?
Does it create safety instead of confusion?
Does it make space for your voice and your needs?

Because here’s the thing:
Real love isn’t always euphoric.

But it is always safe. Always.

This matters because f you only chase what feels like love, you’ll keep finding yourself in the same cycles:

- Hot and cold dynamics
- Emotional withdrawal followed by intensity
- Feeling like you have to prove your worth to be chosen

But if you start measuring love by what it does—by its patterns, actions, and integrity—you give yourself a better chance at something real. Something that doesn't leave you wondering where you stand. Something you can actually build a life on.

And the more you learn to ask “Does this act like love?” instead of “Does this feel like love?”—the closer you get to the kind of love that heals instead of hurts.

If your marriage feels stuck in a cycle where love shows up as tension, distance, or confusion—it might be time to start asking better questions.

I help couples rebuild connection through clarity, safety, and emotional honesty.
If you're ready to stop surviving marriage and start repairing it, reach out. Let’s do the work together.